Safe space 04: Feeling stuck

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you guys doing? I hope everything went well. If it's not, it will get better. Today I will share a lesson I learn in my self-discovery, self-love journey. Feel free to read and add your thoughts in the comment section.

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, therapist, counsellor, or psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and is a discussion topic. 

I noticed that when we were hurt, traumatized or in a depressed state, we usually have these thoughts of I could have done better before. For example, "What if I was stronger?" "what if they didn't treat me badly" "What if I did this and not that". I think it is very normal for a lot of people who are struggling. Sometimes, it gets so bad that we will have all sorts of negative emotions like hatred, hopelessness and etc. 

We feel like we are stuck at that point in our life where we think we could have done it better. I was like that, I wish 15 years old me is strong enough, I hope she knows better and fights for herself. I was 22 and was stuck at 15 years old memory. I cannot see the future and I am hurting at the present. What makes it worst, things that happened in past are also happening in present. It felt like you are stuck in a dark room and you cannot move. Honestly, I keep blaming my younger self because I feel like if she do it differently I will not be suffering in my 20s. But never once I thought, my current self are the one who need to save my past, present and future self. Never, because I was so scared of taking the first step. 

I was scared, if I take the first step will it get better? what if it gets worse? and sometimes it felt like it is better to just stay in that state of hopelessness. I am scared if I get better will I forget all the pain my younger self go through? Do I deserve to get better? Do I deserve happiness? Is freedom really for me? Lots of questions and it sounds like it doesn't make any sense but it is how I felt. It is a very big emotion, unexplainable. The things I experienced are very normal. I was hurting, it is a natural reaction. You won't have all of these thoughts if you are fine and healthy. 

My therapist told me, it was in the past, we can't undo things. I need to start thinking about how I want things to be different. Start with small changes. I was hurting because of some people and to change them is impossible. But I can put on boundaries, my therapist keeps reminding me even if the boundaries are very thin, put them on. I just need to focus on small little stuff at the moment and be present. You can't change your past but you can change your present and future. Whatever happened last time is not entirely bad, there are some good things that make us who we are. 

That was my story, it may not entirely fit you but the key takeaways are you can't change your past and stay in present. Honestly, it was not easy, it is a hard process to know what differences I want and consciously remind myself to stay in present. You need to spend some time alone and start putting in your book and working on it. When it gets really hard it's okay to take it slow but never give up. Trust me, every effort counts. 

I think it is okay and normal to feel stuck, but it is not okay when you know and aware that you are stuck and you choose to ignore it. Don't you want your inner child to feel safe? it is really okay to take the first step. It is okay to take it veeerryy slow, progress is still a progress. It's better than nothing. There are hopes and light awaiting you. You just need to take the first step.

I guess that is all for this entry, please share your thoughts on how to manage yourself when you are stuck or just anything you feel is important for people to know. Thank you for reading, see you in the next entry!!!

The life update: Heartbroken journey

Assalamualaikum and Hi everyone. How are you guys been doing? I hope everyone is well and healthy. I'm just going to update you about my life and "self-love" journey. I have a lot of draft poems but I don't feel like publishing them yet.

So, if you are my Instagram follower, you must have known I am going through heartbreaking stuff and have been sad about it. It's true. I have my first heartbreak from someone I don't even date. I wrote an entire paragraph to that person and publish it here last time but I decided to just remove it. 

This guy is probably my first love after my teenage years. The one that I dream of a future together. But I was just delusional. I admit that I am a hopeless romantic person, I did make an entire post about it last time. Still in this blog. 

I honestly fell for this person because he seems to be understanding about my mental health. He has been really supportive and sweet the entire time. He makes me feel like I want to put on makeup, wear cute clothes, be pretty and just slay. I never experience it in my entire life, so of course, I fell for him. I love him dearly. But again, I was a fool. I knew with my entire existence that we will never be something but I was desperate for his attention. I got really low and anxious all the time. I cried at every opportunity I had because I want him desperately. Then, things happened we slipped away and it just got really messy. Especially in my head. I was delusional, I was in denial. 

I really start to blame every single thing. I hate myself a lot because we didn't happen. I try to hate him. I self-sabotage. I start doing stupid things to cope. I didn't know it will mess me up real bad. I have been suicidal since I can remember but I never knew this one hurt more than my traumas. We used to text a lot, but when we stop out of the blue it is really a hell of a ride. It just did something to my self-esteem. It hurts more than my existing traumas. 

I try to text him on multiple occasions. I just feel like I need to talk to him, I feel the urge to just find an excuse and start texting him. But I'm glad I did not. He seems happy with his love life and I couldn't do anything about it. There is no way in this world that he could ever choose me. I try to accept this but my whole body rejected it. I went crazy for a few weeks. It is so funny how heartbreaks really mess up your head. I am about to go single for eternity. I reject every single man that came after him. 

Now, I am sane. I have moved on. I honestly just realise my self-worth. Begging for someone's attention is not okay. Nobody deserves to feel like an option or a doubt. It was never okay to lower your values just to be with someone. I feel like I will rather be alone than begging to be loved. Even if there is the slightest chance that he will love me back, I wouldn't want it again because I feel like I let him disrespect me once. 

This story is worth mentioning and looking upon because this is the starting point of something that is much more beautiful. A journey that makes me learn about my worth and learn how to detach from my attachment issues. I am now onto the next chapter. I am learning how to love properly and let someone into my life again. 

He was once the standards but now someone else came crashing those standards. I am doing well, I learn to accept myself and someone else is taking care of me well. I still do hope that we are still friends but I feel like it's impossible. I am truly happy that he is doing well and just enjoying his life. I wish nothing but the best for him but I would still punch him if we ever cross paths in future. 

Yeah, who knows a stranger could actually gave a huge impact on my life. It's okay, the new chapter has begun. Look forward to my updates and see you soon on the next entry. Byeee <3

A letter for you

 Assalamualaikum and hello everyone. How are you guys doing? I hope you are doing fine and only filled with love and happiness. It's been a while since my last update and honestly, I'm out of ideas on what to write. I feel so heavy to keep sharing about mental health since I wasn't in the best shape too. However, I'm back on this entry to write a letter for myself and maybe it can be useful to any of my readers 

Hi, dear self.

You will be 24 years old soon, it's been a long and tiring journey. All I want you to know is that you have been really strong and you did really well surviving despite the tough time you went through. I know there are plenty of moments that you feel unloved, unappreciated and hopeless but never once do you give up on your life. I'm really sorry for keep hurting you mentally and physically. I'm sorry for abandoning you during the most challenging time. I promise you all I'm trying to do is survive and protect us. 

I know we are on the self-love journey, this blog is proof that we are trying really hard to love ourselves and be better. I know really well that a lot of days it felt like impossible, you just want to give into the lump of darkness. You have been living for other people's sake, you have no dream and no control over your own life. But, look at you now. Those clouded dreams are visible, you are gaining control over your life. It may be small steps but it's a huge progress. 

Remember those days when you are scared of the amusement park but still went with your friends and get on the ride, remember when you are scared of meeting new people but manage to get a new friend and went out together, remember when driving seems impossible but you did it, you drive to a lot of places, remember the day you were scared of the idea of having someone in your life and now you want to have it, remember.. those days when waking up seems impossible but you did.. There's still a lot of things that we want to do but never did and that's okay. Take your time. Small steps. You are doing so well. 

Please never give up, keep surviving even though it seems impossible. Keep on writing because that is what makes you feel alive. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are loved, you are appreciated, and there is hope for you. You are amazing, you are pretty, and you have always been kind. I love you <3 

Sincerely,

Sarah Nurasiyah

Surviving through Trauma

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you guys doing? I hope everything went smoothly with whatever you are doing. It is mid of May, and I reflect on my life a little. I realise something that I never did and I feel like sharing it with you guys. It is indeed another mental health-related post. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counsellor, or a psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and is meant to be a discussion topic. 

This year I met a lot of new people, amazing people. Having lots of conversations with different people, made me realise that majority of us are surviving through our trauma. I've always heard or seen mental health advocates, survivors and fighters say "I can't really judge or be mad at them cause I know they are going through their own problems". It's true, after a year of going to therapy I became more empathetic.  

We are all dealing with our own problems, but little did we know, that the way we act is because of all of the problems that we face from childhood till now. That's why sometimes we can't understand why people got angry at the smallest thing, cry over the stupidest things, laugh at something that is not funny and doesn't react when they are in danger. It might be the trauma response. 

Sadly, not everyone is aware of their own trauma. Some trauma can definitely be seen, like scared of water because you've been drowned during your childhood. But the smallest reaction from other people can be a trauma to us. For example, a simple rejection to go out to have dinner with friends or family can trigger the trauma. In some occurrences putting so much weight / losing too much weight can be a trauma response. People binge eating as a coping mechanism, and people go on an extreme diet as a coping mechanism to make themself feel better. 

There is a famous quote that people always say "Everything happened for a reason" and I believed that the way that we act that is very unpleasant to others is due to a reason. It could be fear, or unsettled issues that are still within us. Of course, this can't be applied to everyone because the human mind is so fascinating. Some people are just pure evil without any trauma (real crime fans might know some stories) 

However, healing your trauma is no one's responsibility but yours. It doesn't matter if the one giving you trauma is living happily, doing well or worst. You need to heal yourself. The trauma or your mental health issues cannot justify your wrongdoing. This might be bitter to take, but it is the truth. I know we already felt bad about ourselves, but inflicting our own trauma on others is unfair. For instance, if you talk bad about someone just because they had similar traits to your ex is unfair to them because they are not your ex.

 In 2022, mental health awareness is becoming more relevant, there are a lot of NGOs, private, and government agencies that are offering help. We can't change others but we can change ourselves. If you notice yourself having a difficult time coping, reach for help. It is not embarrassing, you are not weak. You are strong and fearless to admit that you need help. We live in a society, there will always be someone who can relate to your story and there will always be someone who can help you. But first, you need to admit you need help. 

I am creating a safe space on my blog for you to share your stories, feel free to comment with your thoughts and if you have any questions just drop them in the comment section. See you in the next entry <3

Safe space 02: Be a part of support system

 Assalamualaikum and hi. Salam Ramadhan! I hope you guys are doing fine. Today is going to be another mental health-related entry. But instead of dealing with mental health in the first person, it's the second/third person or I could say it as becoming a part of a support system to your friends or family. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counsellor, or a psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and is meant to be a discussion topic. 

Dealing with people who suffer from mental illness was never easy. It can be really exhausting and sometimes we just don't understand why they were acting in a specific behaviour. Or sometimes we just don't know how to help them. Especially when it comes to the loved one.

Mental illness signs can vary from high mood swings to having suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, mental health can be undiagnosed. When you notice the sign to your loved one, be as open-hearted as you can be. It's going to take you through a ride. In the end, it will be worth it. 

To be a great support system, you must not be too judgemental or critical of them and ensure them that you care. Be sure to check them out. However, don't be too pushy, give them some space and never force them to open up. Let them know, that whenever they are ready, you will listen. This will make them feel heard and valid. I know sometimes the story they share might be a small matter or didn't make sense to you. But to them, it is real and heavy. 

When they open up to you, they are not actually asking you to solve their issue but rather to let it out from their chest. So, avoid giving advice unless they asked for it. Because what they told you is just a surface of a bigger problem / unsettled issue. We might unconsciously, give a bit of bad advice that could harm them more. Instead, tell them " I'm so sorry you have to go through all of it" "It must be tough for you to go through this" "It is okay to feel that way, what can I help to make you feel better?". 

DO NOT! compare them to yourself or with other people. Their experience might be similar to others but the pain is there, they are feeling it. With all the thoughts and suffering they went through, the last thing they would want is to be compared. It would make them feel invalid and they might not open up to you anymore. You don't want this to happen too. 

You may help them contact professionals, or motivate them to seek help. Be careful, do not force or control them, let them make their own decision. I believe that you can be the biggest reason why your loved one seeks help. This will allow them to feel appreciated. 

In all this effort to help, you must understand that healing from mental illness takes a long time. You need to be patient, it is a slow process of trial and error. You can read more about mental health, so you would understand more about how to be around them. 

Providing emotional support is an honourable thing to do, you might be the reason why they are still fighting and stay alive. You will make them feel less lonely and definitely feel heard. Anyway, please don't abandon your mental health. Be sure to practise self-care and most importantly know your limits. 

We are all struggling in our own ways, let's be the support system for one another and create a safe space for everyone to talk about their mental health without the stigmatization.

Please share your thoughts in the comment section :) See you in the next entry <3

" I don't know how to get help for my mental health"

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you been doing? I hope everyone is healthy and happy. Since the day I open up about my mental health and became part of mental health advocate, I've been receiving a few similar questions. I am literally nobody in the mental health advocate community, but I have friends and a really small circle on my blog.

Recently, one of my blog readers dm me personally thanking me for sharing my stories inspires her to keep on fighting and seek help. I can't help but feel happy and grateful that I can help some people. Honestly, I just want to thank each of you that read my stories because you make me feel heard. 

Anyway, on today's entry, I just want to share how to seek help or get your mental health check-up. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, therapist, counsellor, or psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and is meant to be a discussion topic. 

Taking the first step to check-up our mental health is not an easy step to take. It takes courage, time, energy and more. But most importantly, the first step can be so clueless and helpless. Not going to lie I took about 4-6 months to figure out how to take the first step. I talked to a few advocates, fighters and survivors. I read a lot of Twitter threads. I watch a lot of videos. Finally, in Jun 2021, I took courageous steps by signing up for an online Mental Health screening. Feel free to check my experience on this entry [here]

So, that was my story. What about you? To take the first step you have a few options.  You may choose to go to Klinik Kesihatan and ask for a consultation (request from the doctor in Klinik Kesihatan to see a psychiatrist in hospital if necessary),  Check-up at the closest Mentari centre, a Government hospital with a psychiatry unit. These are very affordable services,  I believe ranging from RM5-RM30 (I might be wrong). Or, if you have some extra money you can go to private hospitals and clinics. I am not really sure about the prices.

If you feel like, you just need therapy or you don't want any medication. You can register for sessions with a counsellor, clinical psychologist or certified professional. If you have no idea, where to look for these services, you can check out aloe.mind, caracara.space or ripple.community on Instagram. There are more services out there, but these three are the most familiar to me. These services can be expensive for some, but still in an affordable range starting from RM25-RM250. Do check out those pages because sometimes they do have promotions and free check-ups. If you are in an emergency or any life-threatening situation contact befrienders at o3-76272929 (free service).

Personally, I go through the therapy route just because I find it really flexible and I can choose my therapist. Also, some of the services/platforms are conducted online. It is really up to you to make the choice. If you think diagnosis and medication are important, choose Klinik Kesihatan or Hospitals.

Besides, it is important for you to know the types of professionals available. There are psychiatrists, clinical psychologists, counsellors and trainees. Psychiatrists are the professionals that can diagnose and their treatment approach is medications. Clinical psychologists can diagnose but the approaches are psychotherapy like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Counsellors, on the other hand, use a more person-centred approach like talk therapy. For trainees, they are final year master's students. I believed trainees are highly supervised and competent to help you. 

If you are still hesitant and not sure when to actually seek help. You can start by taking the screening or test first. Just to get a general idea about your mental health. I know it's going to be scary and I know a big part of you want to reach out. It's okay, take your small steps, and gather some courage. You are not alone, there are more people fighting alongside you. 

That is all for this entry. If you have any experience by any chance please share it in the comment section down below. Let others know they are not alone.

See you in the next entry. Bye <3

This entry is supposed to be in 1st Jan 2022

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you guys been doing? I hope everyone is doing really good and have a great day ahead. It is almost at the end of January 2022. I've been putting on my schedule to draft/write an entry since day 1 but I keep procrastinating

2021, was an eventful year for me. The biggest life transition happened to me. I also make a very huge step by seeking help from professionals regarding my mental health. I lost hope most of the time but it allow me to fight to survive. I bet you could see from my previous entry. I would say 2021 is the year I am discovering myself. I have 10 new hobbies, 1000 break down, 100 joyful moments, 100 rejections and the list goes on and on. 

All I could say is I ended my 2021, with a lot of values and knowledge to bring into 2022.

I would like to fast forward to January 2022. I started my year with a new dream and I never felt this good in my life, I started a new job, changed my wardrobe, exercising, just thinking I could thrive this year. But, yea who am I kidding? I am still struggling to control my emotion, controlling my thoughts and my depressive episodes are hitting me here and there. Sadly, I stop seeing my therapist for 2 months due to a clash of schedules but starting next week I'm seeing a new therapist. I hope everything went well.

As my first 2022, a mental obstacle that I feel like ruining my mental health is I lost interest in everything I use to have fun doing it. I stop doing makeup, I stop drawing, I get less interested in food, I lost my interest in writing. It takes me a lot to write this entry, It feels so dreading. That's why I keep procrastinating on my new year entry.

Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting, I feel like I keep telling people how much I'm struggling. Which I definitely don't have to. I felt sorry but I don't at the same time. I don't know where is my thought process brings me. 

I think this is going to be a short entry because I don't know what else to say. Usually, I will go into detail about what I learned and achieved last year. But not this time I guess. To conclude, 2021 was the year that I feel really close to giving up but at the same time, it gave me a lot of reason to keep on fighting.

How was your 2021? Is the first month of 2022 getting better? Share with me and see you on the next entry!

Safe Space 01: Fear

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. I've learned a lot about mental health for the past 5 months by going to therapy and peer support groups. I think it's fun to share about my well-being but I think I'm good with it. I want to share something that is going to be beneficial to those who are struggling with their mental health. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and meant to be a discussion topic. 

I came out with new "series" here on my blog called Safe Space. Where I share the things that people rarely talk about and hope people who read this can relate and feel safe here. The first topic for Safe Space is fear. I talked with my therapist in one of my recent sessions about my fears of literally everything in life. I was scared and I feel like I'm losing so much of my youth because of my fear. 

I honestly perceived fear as something that is negative and I should fear my own fear. Does that make any sense? To put it simply, I feel like I should avoid things I fear instead of facing them. However, after I learn about it more, it changed my perspective on having fear. The fear isn't totally bad and it is there for a reason.

Let me be honest with you guys, I am scared to commit to a relationship, I am really afraid to have a partner or get married. I use to tell everyone I don't want to get married but then I realise I am just too scared because of a lot of reasons and there is a huge chunk of myself wanting to be with someone (I don't know if it's going to happen haha). After my therapist understand my condition, what she told me is something I would not be expecting. It goes something like ;

The fear that you have is normal, you were conditioned to have this fear because of what you see and went through. You should control the fear so that you can explore more and it is not grounding yourself but you should not be free from fear entirely. 

I think it is beautiful. I was always thought that I need to be free from my fear entirely. She then proceeds to tell me that without fear I will be ignoring all the red flags and I'll be caught in danger. But for me to keep exploring life and face the fear I can start by taking small steps. 

After the session, I kind of reflected and it all makes sense. When I am trying to meet a new person I can see the red flags because I have those fears but I am making small steps by meeting new people. So, my fear isn't grounding me anymore like it used to be. 

Isn't it beautiful? because how can something I perceived to be so bad can have such a positive meaning towards us. Yeah, life is so beautiful but sometimes we just fail to see it because our thought is so clouded. 

Since then, I am willing and tried to embrace my fears. I want to face it and try living my life to the fullest. Let the fear stays and I can keep flying.  I remember how I was so scared of rides in the theme parks but I face it and ride it anyway. I'm not going to lie it is still scary but I have good memories of it. 

To conclude, fear is an emotional reaction that is totally normal for one's to have. Let the fear be there to look out for you but do not let it ground you. It's going to be okay.

What is your thought on fears? Comment down below on your takes about this entry! See you guys in the next entry. Bye <3

002. Broken

Why?
Why am I the broken one?
Waking up, feeling suffocated

Sitting around feeling lifeless

Sleeping with pictures in my mind. 

I think I am a broken piece

Trying to find me in different pieces

Scatters all over  the places

Trying to glue me together

Oh well, I am still broken.

I feel sick,

My heads throbbing

My hearts feel like crying

My throat is sore

My body is aching

I don't remember the days I don't feel sick.

Sometimes I can never register feelings in my heart

It left me in confusion and I got lost

I don't know what awaits me

and it scares me to face the reality.

Am I broken? 

Putting on a face to be everyone's favorite 

Ignoring a soul that screaming to be remembered 

When it's just me and the soul

Everything crumbles away

Oh, poor soul, I am sorry.

Pain, go away

I am trying my best  

Turning this broken piece into a beautiful flower

Facing the scary reality

Aids the forgotten soul

It is all because I am broken.

- Sarah Isyah

Checking In

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, how are you guys been doing? I think I'm really turning this blog into a mental health awareness or some sort of sharing my personal stories. I haven't updated since July. Oh wow, kind of a rare occasion because I usually post an entry when it's my birthday but I guess not this year. But it's just 2 weeks passed, still not late for birthday wishes. I'm kidding. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counselor nor psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and meant to be a discussion topic. 

I am not really sure what I'm going to share for this entry,  so it's just going to be a bit of a mess of random things I'm going to share. But rest assured, it would be focusing on mental well-being. I will let my fingers and heart tell you guys what I want to tell. If you are not familiar with my blog, I do share a lot about mental health and my journey in discovering self-love. I also write some poems, I have poems drafted for I don't know how long.

As I shared in the previous entry, I've been seeking help from professionals, I went to therapy. It's been a few sessions already. My initial plan was to share what I learned in each session but things happened. I've been struggling with self-motivation a lot lately. I feel like I have no will to live for another day. There was nothing exciting for me to keep going. I'm not gonna lie, some fun things did happen for the past few months but it just feels like... I don't know how to explain it. The only thing that I look forward to was my therapy session. I know a lot of people who dislike therapy, but for me, I enjoyed it. Having someone to talk with makes me feel better. 

I also went to a peer support group. It has been 3 sessions so far and honestly I don't know how I feel about it. It was an eye-opening experience where you can learn and understand what people's been going through, you learn more about taking care of your mental well-being. However, sometimes I finished the session feeling so empty. The support group's main concern was anxiety and when they teach about improving I always feel lost. It's not I dislike it but It gave me too many emotions where I cannot register it properly. I'm still grateful for joining because I learn a lot about how to manage my anxiety. I also feel like my anxiousness is intensified for the past few weeks, so it does help me. 

Okay, let's stop talking about me. Have you ever see your friends and you know too well that they are struggling to put on their life together because of their mental well-being? I do. They show a very strong sign. I reached them and asked them, I offers some help to the extent of paying for their check-up. But, they never wanted it. Most of the time they ignored me or change the topic real quick. I know it was not my problem but I feel really sad when it happened to someone I care about. All I can do now is checking in with them. Asking about what they are doing and so on just to let them know that they are not lonely. But still, when I am struggling lots of people lending their shoulders but I still feel lonely. I might not be enough to help them. But it's okay you have tried your best to convince them. It's up to them to make a change. (me trying to convince myself it is okay)

I  think that's it for this entry.  I feel so exhausted. I wish to share more but I am at my limit if I push myself any further this post might end up in the draft and I won't be updating for another month. Thank you to everyone that has been visiting my blogs, reading my entries. I really appreciate it and somehow feel a little undeserved. The blog view is increasing and I'm glad that my stories are helping people out there that you were not alone.

You are not alone! what you feel are totally valid and thank you for staying alive. You are so strong to keep fighting to live another day. Because of that our path crossed in this blog. 

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section. I'll reply to your comment but I don't know when sooner or later I'll be replying! See you in the next entry!

Do you need therapy?

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, how are you guys doing? I hope everything went well for you guys.  This is another story of my self-recovery journey but at the same time, I want to help whoever reading this. If you are new here, welcome I am Sarah and I share a lot about my experience in discovering self-love. I also do anime reviews, drama reviews, and song reviews but that rarely happens since I'm not doing well. but maybe we will see those content soon.

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counselor nor psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and meant to be a discussion topic. 

If you read past entries, you will see how I was reluctant and giving lots of excuses in seeking help. I feel like I got it under control and maybe it's just a phase. But the phases haven't ended yet. I can't take a risk of losing more and I think I make the right choice by signing up for therapy.  In the last 2 entries, I talk about my mental health screening, which I am very glad to attend because it makes me understand myself a little bit more. On the same night after the screening, I decided to register for a therapy session. 

My first therapy session was on 2nd July 2021. It is an experience to go through the session. I will not go into the session much because I don't think it is appropriate to share with you guys my problems. But I am really glad that I choose to go through this therapy because I can finally let out everything that I have latent. One thing that I realize, I've been hurt for too long. My regrets, anger, sense of hopelessness, helplessness are already inside me for years. It is not because of the current event that happens to me. It's a build-up of everything that I went through. I was being hard on myself because of what has been happening to me. My body and brain were used to it. 

When I was not feeling myself, feeling detached from reality, and so on, I never understand why. Try to heal without knowing what was the root to it is just useless. It is almost self-sabotaging. I was trying to be "positive" all this time because I thought that was the right attitude to heal. I was wrong. It is toxic positivity. The evidence is clear on my blog. I post a lot of entries encouraging people to be positive blindly without giving proper advice. Yes, positivity is needed but you need to understand that you are having a problem. Thinking positive all the time is just like pushing away all your problems, putting them aside and eventually, they'll come back and find you. It is an unsettling feeling. I will review my blog and take down every entry that promotes positivity blindly. Because I believe it is not helpful.

I talked to a few of my friends about getting therapy and some of them feel like it is unnecessary to go for therapy. Therapy is not only for people that are struggling with depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness. But it is a tool to help us understand more about ourselves and assists us in any life matter. Some people feel like seeking help is a  sign of weaknesses and sadly some people feel like they got everything under control but they are showing a clear sign of struggles. I used to be one of them. I don't blame them because "seeking help" is not in our culture, therapy is not being normalized, mental awareness is still low.

I want you guys to know, you are not weak. Seeking help is not for a weak person. It makes you a strong person. You are strong! you survive every single day, fighting to get up from your bed, fighting to get better every single day. Getting help took a lot of courage. 

So, do you need therapy? The answer might be yes. If you find yourself struggling to go through everyday life, being productive, you need the therapy. If you find yourself a keep making yourself busy to distract yourself from your problems, yes you need therapy. If you find yourself overthinking a lot, you need therapy. If you ever thought that "Everything will be better if I'm dead" you clearly need help. Also, a normal and mentally stable person will never make "suicide" or "dying" jokes. 

If you are not interested in therapy, you got another option by going to a psychiatrist to get diagnose and take medications. You can go to your nearest Klinik Kesihatan and talk to them, if your symptom is severe they will give you a referral letter to see a psychiatrist at the hospital. You also can get a referral letter from private clinics.

Therapy can be expensive, but currently, there are a lot of services that offer therapy at affordable prices. Some of them are negotiable and some of them offer therapy specifically for B40 people. Personally, I went to Aloe Mind because the price is affordable and I am satisfied with their service. If you want more information about their service feel free to check out their website or visit their Instagram at @aloe.mind  or if you have any questions regarding mental health issues and you can just hit me up on my personal Instagram @sarahisyah_

Let's create a better place for people to talk about their mental health and be kind to everyone. Share with me your thoughts on seeking help in the comment section down below and see you guys in the next entry! 

Suicidal?

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. I hope each of us is doing better. In today's entry, I would like to discuss something heavier and I really hope whoever comes across this entry, would spend their time and understand the message that I try to convey.

Trigger warning: Suicide

Disclaimer! I am not a therapist, psychiatrist, or any professionals in mental health-related. I'm making this entry on my own POV of suicidal thoughts or suicide in general. 

28th June 2021, I read a lot about suicide on Twitter. 2 people take their own life because of life pressure due the current condition of our own country. It's all over the news. I really hope no one shared the pictures because a suicide image is very dangerous. After all, it can lead to copycat suicide. I really hope people take this seriously. 

Most of the time, we never understand why someone wants to end their life. A lot of sane people, do not understand and some people take extra length to judge and mock the person. It's not about suicide but mental health in general. 

People attempt or wanting to take their own life because they have been suffering. They are sick. They want the pain to end. They are not in their right mind to distinguish which is right and which is wrong. They are unable to do that. Their heads are clouded by their own thoughts. I am really sad when there is suicide news, people are quick to judge them, mocking them. I know and believe that suicide is the biggest sin.

But what people do not understand, they were fighting for their life till the very end. Every single day, they woke up and choose to be strong to go on with their life. No one, no one in the right mind wanted to commit suicide. Who are we to judge them? Why are we mocking them? Why don't we help them when they are still alive? 

When we know someone with suicidal thoughts, don't rub in their face that "it is the biggest sin" they know. Instead, help them. Educate yourself on mental health awareness, be the listener. Stop giving advice if we think we are incompetent to do so. Guide them, persuade them to go to therapy, hold their hands and ask them to see doctors. 

We as a society might have failed them. We never try to create a safe place for them to understand what they actually went through. Most of them felt helpless. Read this properly, there is a lot of option out there for people to get help. But for people who have been suffering to take the first step to seek help, they need a support system to feel comfortable. Educate ourselves, so whenever they reach out to us, we can help them put their thoughts together. We never knew one's life journey. Being mean to them was just not it. I have so much to say about how other people perceive mental issues. I guess I'll talk about it in another entry.

All I really want to say is that I want you to know you are not alone for people who have been suffering. And to other people, be more acceptable and open-minded, don't be so quick to judge but instead offers a hand. Learn from other "suicide" cases. Don't let it repeated. They just want their pain to end without proper help, suicide is the easiest way to escape for them. Be a functional society rather than running your mouth. Be nice to everyone. You might save one life just by being nice. 

I guess that's all for today's entry, It took a lot for me to address this topic. I really want to create a better place and help everyone that has been suffering. If you need someone to talk to,  please contact Befrienders or their suicide hotline at 03-76272929. 

Let's create a safer place for everyone. 

I feel valid for the first time

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, it seems like I have somewhat more positive entry today. I am very. happy to share with you guys my first-ever mental health screening session. If you are regular on my blog, you know how my past 2-3 posts are generating negative vibes. But for once, let's just be more positive.

I was having a really rough time, it is rough but the most painful thing is when I keep reminding myself that I should not be acting a certain way, people telling me that I'm just being ungrateful, and so on. Simpler words, invalidating my feelings. After hesitating for so long, I finally reach out to the professionals. My actual plan was to go to the hospital and get a diagnosis or maybe some anti-depressant. But it was so hard for me to go, with all this lockdown and my work schedule it just feels impossible at the moment. However, my other plan is to go to therapy. 

I decided to go to therapy since the time is more flexible. But, before I  went through a  lengthy therapy session I  decided to go for mental health screening first to actually understand myself a  little more. Bear in mind, mental health screening is not a diagnosing tool. I don't know why I feel like getting the diagnosis is more important than finding solutions to my problem. I feel like having the title is more important and rightfully to received therapy. But, no, it is not. Everyone can go to therapy.

So, what happened during mental health screening? Basically, it is a short session where they review your test result. Before you go through your screening you need to take the online test. It is a simple depression, anxiety, and stress test. Throughout this session, the therapist will ask questions on why you are seeking therapy and this session helps me to understand more about myself.

To be honest, before I started the session I am very scared because I don't know what I will go through. But throughout the session, it makes me a little comfortable talking about myself. I try hard not to cry and compose myself to talk more rather than be emotional because it is a really short session. The most eye-opening things the therapist said to me goes something like this: 

"It is normal for you to feel this way, It is a reaction of what you have been going through for all these years" 

It is not an exact word but, you get me right? It is totally okay to feel that way. It is your body responding to all things that I have been going through. To put on some context, I am really vocal about mental health and I love to read about mental health. I believe by understanding mental health I can be better and just not fall into depression and so on. I told myself before I am not "sick" I am not "depressed" because I see them as a negative thing. I am wrong. It is okay, it is the response of all traumatic thing happened to me. I am not overreacting, I am not faking it. I am truly struggling to put my life together. 

I know there is something wrong with me but I always convince myself it's just a phase and I am just stressed out. But, it is not just a phase. I've been going through those for almost my entire life. But it felt havier when I found my short freedom and then now I'm back trapping. All this realization is help from the therapist. 

My therapist also said to me that I have been suffering, conflicting for so long, it took so much strength for someone to seek help. I'm being able to take the first step to improve my life is making me strong. I'd never thought I am strong because all this time I feel so helpless and weakness is the reason why I'm being this way. It feels amazing when she was able to put everything I felt into words conflict, regrets, and anger. It perfectly describe how I felt about myself. 

Although I was able to get input about myself, more issues are hanging inside me, the session is very short and it is not a therapy session. I have booked for my first session in July. I hope everything will get better from now on. 

I also have been making a lot of content on my Instagram feel free to visit it @SarahIsyah_

Thank you for reading and we shall meet again on the next entry! 

Castaways

Assalamualaikum and hi,  how are you guys doing? I hope everyone is being fine. I'm back with another entry.  I really don't know what topics to write and discuss with my readers but I just want to write. If you were here on my last entry, you probably know what I've been going through. It is not pretty at all. I am still not able to be myself.

 Do you guys know the TikTok viral sound castaways? It goes something like "Castaways, we are castaways, ahoy there, ahoy. We are castaways". Well, I don't know why but why do I feel sad listening to this song? Maybe because of the meaning of "Castaways". Castaways means a person who has been shipwrecked and stranded in an isolated place. If I would describe my life right now it is castaways.

My life is the ship and I am stranded in an isolated place. I feel like I am alone fighting against myself. Few of my friends reach out to me, asking me if I am okay and they let me know that they are available if I need someone to talk to. I appreciate their thoughts but I just don't want to burden them with my problems and sometimes I feel like, they will not understand me if I told them. I feel like they are going to judge me for being this way. I truly believe they will not understand me and one day they'll get annoyed because I'm behaving like this. I know they'll get sad if they know this is exactly how I feel but I am sorry. I can't help but think this way every time. 

The next lyrics go like "We're stuck where we are with no houses, no car, castaways, ahoy, we are castaways". I'm stuck here, no place I can feel like being at home, no cars to get me out of here. I am stranded. I understand that this is just a child song but I don't know I feel like it's a metaphor for my life. Well, who knows child song can be so depressive.  

I get really sensitive nowadays, I can't handle small talks without getting annoyed. I get annoyed at everything, and I'm scared people will push me away because I just can't... Sometimes, I got excited over something and in the mid of it, my feeling just dies. It's sad, very sad.

I am sorry for posting another depressive entry. I really wish to share more fun stories with you guys, but apparently, nothing is exciting going on. However, I would like to thanks anyone who read my entry and supporting me, leaving a very nice message. I am working on improving myself. I've reached out using a proper platform. I'll be going to have my first mental health screening this Friday. Please pray for the best and InsyaAllah everything will be alright. 

Since I'll be going to therapy sessions soon, it will cost me some money, if you want to support me please support my small business at Shopee.  Thank you for reading,  see you guys on the next entry.