Goodbye 2018

Assalamulaikum and hi! This might be the last entry on 2018. I will be going to Korea for 2 weeks. I will be an exchange student in Chungnam University for 2 weeks. Isn't it fun? I hope it will be fun. I will update you guys my experience there. So, I'm here to kind of rewind my 2018.

So, 2018 has been quite a year. It is a rollercoaster. There were joy, sad, depressing,overly joy, sick, hurt and lot more. I'm gonna highlight a few big moments that happen to me. 

I started 2018 with a new resolution and the resolution is quite similar every year because I never achieved it at the end of the year. One of my biggest resolutions is to lose a pretty amount of weight, but guess what? It never happens. Shall I cry now? because it's like another week and it's already 2019.

On February 2018, I went to my most fav country, Korea. I spent like a week there holiday with my family. It was fun! and I'm going again next week. So, this year definitely bring me closer to Korea. I don't why, but Korea has a special place in my heart. Been to few countries before but Korea keeps my heart.

Next, in April I went through a surgery/ operations to remove my ovarian cyst. It's another journey and experiences. I have ovarian cyst since 2015 and finally I'm free from it this year. It is really something that I won't forget. It is not like I will face it every year and not anyone gonna experience this. So, I enjoyed that moment even it hurts af

In September, I guess I had the best birthday gift ever. It's a gift from me to myself. I went to seventeen concerts. I updated an entry about it so you guys can check it out here. 

Photoshoot moment that I will never! ever! in my life forget about it. It is a whole lot of new experience of my big dream. I make an entry about it so, you can check them out. I probably won't move on from it.

Currently, in November, I lost someone I love which is my grandma. It was shocking. I made an entry on that as well. But honestly, till today, I'm still sad and mad on myself how I wish I can see her before and how I can be a better granddaughter. I miss her so much.

Also, 2018 has taught me about how ugly life can be. I am at the lowest point of myself. I don't say I'm having depression, but I feel like my life suffocates me. I can't breathe, I'm not willing to do anything, I have the thought of hurting myself. It is really not me, not how I usually behave. Some people got to change at a certain point right? And I'm changing to the worst. How I wish I am not changing myself. Till today, I'm still having a hard time, if something did trigger me I just want to hurt myself in any way possible. But, gladly I still can manage not to hurt myself.

2018 also thought me to go for my dream. Do what you like, nobody can say no to your passion. It is the reason why I start active on the blog again even though my life is kind of hectic at the moment. But writing blog gives me so much fun and positivity. So keep on running towards your dream. Like I do, I became a freelance on Thread zalora and I am working hard on it. Because it is one of my passion.

Finally, a few days to 2019 I am still single. I have no boyfriend and that is sad. Just kidding, am not sad but rather lonely hahaha. I'm 20 years old and of course, I had that feeling to have a boyfriend. It's normal isn't?

I thought this gonna be a long entry but it is not. I'm going to end it here. How was your 2018? Share with me in the comment section!

Have a nice day ahead <3

Love Yourself.. ?

Assalamualaikum  and hi, I feel like i want to write something and this is something that i come out. This is random yet meaningful to me at least.

We always hear that we need to love ourselves before love others, believe in ourselves. But do you really love yourself? do you really believe in yourself? How can you proof to me that you love yourself?

I always told myself to love myself before others because no one will ever love us as much as ourselves. I always keep in mind that no others you can believe, only yourself. Even now, there's lot of "Love Yourself" Campaign going on. 

Without realizing it, I keep blaming myself on every mistakes. Am i suppose to blame myself when i am suppose to love myself? It's okay to make mistakes. That's what people said. They said everything will be alright but i am the one who facing it. Why is everything against me? Again, i blame myself.

It feel likes you are in love with someone but you hate that person at the same time. It's tiring honestly, the cycles never end. Because it is in you. I am struggling fighting my inner self to be better and so you are. We have our own struggles, we have our own hardship.

No matter how much you hate yourself, because in the end you only have yourself. Love can't be force. You need to open your heart. Accept yourself for who you are. 

This is rather a short entry but it is something i want to share with you guys. I hope you all have a nice day ahead and keep on loving yourself.

Dear crush,

Assalamualaikum and hi. I just want to write something. This is kind of confession but not direct confession to my crush. I'm pretty sure he won't even read my blog. Anyway, let me just let my heart out.

Dear crush,

I've been liking you for awhile now. I rarely fall in love with someone but if i do, I just can't stop loving. I don't know how and why but every time i saw you my heart just flutters. I really want to tell you how i feel but i never had that guts and i don't want our friendship become awkward. I treasure friendship more than love.

I am really happy to see your name on my phone screen but i guess i'm just too awkward to keep up the conversation so i can't really talk to you a lot. It is so hard for me because i want to forget you. I don't want my feelings to stay like this. It hurts me because i can't express myself. Well, i'm expressive type of person so it's like i'm cutting myself.

You are always on the positive side even your life isn't that wonderful. You are just being yourself. I guess that was the reason i'm falling for you. Anyway, thank you for making me smile like an idiot and thank you for making my life a little better.

My feelings for you are real. But for now, i'm trying to move on. I don't want this feeling to effect my life. One sided love isn't great. It has always been one sided love for me. I guess i'm gonna make it. You are someone effected me a lot because i was going through hardship and you were supporting me even it is small i'm so grateful.

By the way, I love your smile.

That is it, I'm sorry for making you guys this type of entry. Like dehell is this cringy post. Share with me your stories with crush.

See ya in next entry and have a good day.

My current playlist

Hi guys, so today i decide to make an entry since i was left all alone. I want to share with you guys my current fav playlist. If you are looking for song recommendation you are at right entry. By the way my playlist include english and korean song.

Youth by Shawn Mendes ft. Khalid

I've been listening to this song for awhile way before the music video is out. Now the music video is out i would 100% suggest you guys watch the MV. It is so inspiring showing youth empowerment and they include islam in that video which is a great thing. I can make a whole entry about this mv. This mv didn't get lots of view so, i beg you all to stream that music video.

Flower by Seventeen

This is one of my fav non-tittle song from Seventeen. I'm in love with this song after i went to their concert. I hate the fact that i was crying and i can't remember this performances. I can only remember wiping my tears. 

Lovely by Billie Eilish with Khalid

Just recently in love with this song. Billie Eilish voice is perfect! I guess any song with Khalid will turn out amazing. This song has a deep meaning at least to me. It's a slow song which can make me cry haha. 

8 Letters by Why Don't We

This song is for anyone who loves love song. I literally listen to this song every single day because the beat are nice and so their vocals. Nothing much to explain cause i don't really understand why i'm addict to this song.

S/N by Stray Kids

This song is a hip hop song i would say. I don't know why i listen to this song everyday. It is like a drug. Very addictive, The video are so funny and i love it. Give it a try. If you hate it then don't listen hahaha.

My Pace by Stray Kids

I really love the meaning. It's about our life. This songs motivate me, so check the lyrics out. The beats of the song are catchy as well. I've been listening to stray kids quite a lot lately and i love all their songs but my pace are surely on the top.

Loved by Highlight

This is the latest song by highlight. It's pretty nice, it sounds like their beast era. I really like this song. The chorus beat was pretty sick. You can check them out.

That is all that i would like to recommend to you guys. I have more song in my playlist but mostly seventeen's song. I basically listen to all of their song. So i guess i don't need to share here. Have a nice day ahead and keep listening to music.

  

Another Sad Story

Assalamualikum and hi, before i start my entry, please pray for my late grandma, she just passed away on last monday (12 Nov 2018).

So, after midsem break i went back to my univ. If you guys don't know my univ and my home quite far it takes almost 12 hours to reach home. On my way back to university my mum send me a whatsapp she told me that my grandma was sick but she still fine. So i did not think of anything bad. I keep in faith that my grandma will be okay because i haven't see her during my midsem break. Then at 11 p.m my dad call me, he told me my grandma faint and her heartbeat stop for awhile. I'm nervous and sad and i don't know a lot of thing was on my mind. I was thinking to go home but it's too far and there is no bus at midnight.

I slept earlier that night because i was afraid, i was scared, i was anxious and i was nervous. I hope when i wake up everything will be fine and it just gonna be another day. On 1.51 a.m i suddenly woke up like in a shock. I look on my phone somehow i read my clock as 5.11 a.m. I was so grateful because nothing had happen but then when i look again.. it still 1.51 a.m i close my eyes for 10 minutes and i got a call from my mum. I was so scared to answer that phone call. It was truly terrifying to hear what my mum gonna say.

My mum try not to freak me out, she ask me if i was asleep with a calm voice. Until she can't hold it anymore. She cried and told me, my grandma has gone. I asked her how can i go home? is there any relatives near me to take me home? My mum told me not to come home.. Because i just arrived and it will take too long. Then she hung up.

I cried all night.. i can't sleep. I keep thinking how to go home at that moment i want to see my grandma for last time. But my mum didn't allow to go home. I remembered my grandma once told me If she passed away, don't come home because it is too far. I cried my lungs out. I was never a good grand daughter to her. I am her first grand daughter and yet i never did something good to her.I desperately wanna go home. 

One my biggest fear is losing someone when i'm not around. It happens once when my granddad passed away but i still can see him for the last time but not this time. I can't say goodbye for my grandma for one last time. It is so heartbreaking. Until today i kept thinking of her. I wish i could be lil nicer to her when she was alive. But it's too late now.

I skip the morning class because i was too exhausted from crying. My brother manage to go home because some of my relatives happen to be in KL. I blame myself for not seeing her during my break. She ask my mum when will i come back and so on. The last time i talk to her was on phone and it is only for 5 second because i was "too busy" with programs that i share with you guys in past entries.

I have no grandparent now. Both my dad and mum side. I wish i could be a nicer grand daughter but it was too late. Al-Fatihah

Photoshoot Experiences

Assalamualaikum and hi people, last entry has been so emotional and i can't even move on. So, i decided to make another entry to move on.

cr. unsplash

If you people follow my instagram or my youtube channel you guys must be aware that i went to a photoshoot session with Zalora. If you don't make your time to watch my vlog okay?

If you guys don't know yet, I'm a contributor on Zalora Thread Magazine. Basically it is an online magazine with a lot of information. On my blog i post so much random and kind of useless thing to share with but on that page i share more information and knowledgeable articles. So make a way to my articles there or any other articles cause you can get a lot from there.

So, i went to the photo shoot not as a model. There is no way i can be a model, not even for plus size hahaha. I went there as one of the contributor, basically that photo shoot is for my profile. Being in a photo shoot session is one of my childhood dream and it became true. I once dream to be a model okayyy haha.

I went there all the way from muadzam shah so it's kinda far tho. I was suppose to be there at 2.30 p.m but i arrived at 3.00 p.m luckily i'm not the last person to arrive. If you guys don't know me in real, i'm that kind of person that can't be late. I will always be few minutes early or on time. So, i feel like uh i feel so annoyed when i'm late haha. So when i arrived, they put on simple and express makeup. I never let someone else put on makeup on me. It freak me out hahaha when the makeup artist did touch my face haha.

They gave me 2 outfit one black and one white. The black outfit is not really my usual style but the white outfit is not much different with my style. My outfit given is rather casual than the other contributor. I kinda love my black outfit cause i never try that kind of style and white outfit actually annoyed me a little because i'm fatttt and white didn't go well with fat person. But i think i did a pretty good job. I get a lot of nice word from the photographer so i think it is a good sign.

From the session i did learn something that i can use in my daily life.

1. Be bold. You need to be bold for yourself look great on photo, same goes with my life i need to be bold to do what i love to do and never be scared of my passion 
2.  Try something new. You got to try lot of pose for your photo and so your life trying something new will not be bad and you will find your best pose if you try. 
3. I also learn how to work with people and polish my communication skills cause i meet new different people there.
4. Lastly, fight for your dream. I'm not sure why but it gave me that feel. I always wanted to be on photo shoot and i got a chance because my blog. because my writing passion. It feels great. It feel like i reach another achievement in my life.

So, i think that is all i want to share for this entry. The photo is not out yet so i cannot share with you guys yet. See you soon in next entry, have a great day ahead :)))

I'm feeling better

cr. weheartit

Hi, I'm back again with another entry. Well i know that i don't have any readers anymore because of my irregular schedule of updating. Anyways hi everyone, hi to whoever read this. If you read this leave your message to me la haha.

If you already keep up with my story in this blog. you probably notice that i'm going through some stuff. I've been so negative. I'm tired. I'm stressed out. To be honest.. till today i'm still going through the same thing but i feel a lot better.

I want to share with you guys how i feel last time and how i can feel better maybe this might help some of you out there especially my friends. I'm here to help you a little.

I was down and feeling depress and stress i cried every night because something did happen to me. i won't tell why but i literally feel like i was such a failure and my life is dark. Nothing seems bright to me. So when i started a new semester it get worse. I start to cry every time i need to go to class or if i don't cry i will start sweating, my heart beat fast. I'm nervous and i was scared. I was scared of everything that might happen in  the class. I can't focus in class.  Every night before i sleep i'll just shed my tears hoping tomorrow will be better but it doesn't get any better.

Until.. i was called to go to a program. At first, i tried to find thousands of reason to not going there. I thought that i need to go there because i'm a failure, i'm a problematic student. That is how i truly feel. But i can't find any valid reasons and i just take a deep breath and go with so much negative perception about that program.

I was wrong that program is not for problematic person not for a failure person but in fact, that program wakes me up. It open my eyes. They help me to find back reasons why i need to stay strong why i need to struggles why and how i can do better. They never blame me for making a mistake. But they convince me that amazing humans made mistakes. Amazing people come through failure.

Friends, i have lost my dream. I have no will to go through my life. I almost gave up. Life seems so hard to me. If you ever feel what i have feel.. I just want to tell you that, it's okay to make mistakes. Yes people will blame you, people will say bad thing about you. But remember, it's your life. You are the one who need to shape your life. It's your airplane! You are the pilot! Find your own happiness, forget all those people. Real friends, will fly besides you together. When you fall, they help you to get up. If there is nobody around you to do that. Nobody deserve you because you are amazing, you are great person. You have yourself! you are not a failure you just make a mistakes and we learnt from mistakes.

Problems will always find their way to see you but you need to be strong for each problem you are facing. You are not alone.. Believe me you are not alone.. There will always be someone to be by your side. You know i cried making this post.. I remember those pains i felt. It hurts.. so bad. I was all alone at that time. I didn't reach my friends or anyone for help because i was embarrassed of my self. You should reach out to someone. Everyone has their struggles don't be embarrassed of yourself.. If you need some help, i will be there to listen just find me. I will try to help you.

That's all for today's post. I hope you guys have an amazing day. Stay happy and be positive for a better days. bye

Thought that i want to share

Hi guys, It seems like i cannot find and good topic to share with you. I'm thinking to do songs, drama review again but i don't feel like doing it again soon i don't know why.. But for now i would like to share my random thought about life.

I have been in bad days i have been a good days.. i wonder what really make my good day good and what make my bad day bad. i just don't understand but i can feel it. Does this make sense? okay whatever.. i feel like life is going too fast, it's already October. what have i done past 10 month? i don't know either. When life going to fast i just feel like i wanna pause for awhile and take a breath a deep breath. life is so harsh. But it is reality you need to face it despite how much you actually hate it.

When life isn't going my way i feel my life has ruin.. it makes me sad and depress. But i realize how there will always someone to be by your side and listen to you, support you. it just myself.. it's me who don't want to speak up, it's me who don't want to accept the reality. it's me who wish everything is a fantasy. It is so hard to be someone who is outside of the box, someone who is unique, someone who has great achievement. I always want to be normal but nowadays.. everyone is racing to be number one.. too many smart people in the world. what special about being smart anymore?

I'm just someone who have a lot of love to give but why do i receive too little? i feel like no one is actually appreciating me. I try my best to do everything but none has worked. i'm tired.

I think this is it that i want to share.. you guys probably won't even bother to read this but i don't care haha. i'm sorry guys i feel like my life principle can't be use anymore so sorry there's lots of negativity on this blog at the moment. i will comeback as happy-go-lucky sarah again maybe.. maybe one day.. i don't know.. so see ya around.

Seventeen Ideal Cut in Kuala Lumpur experience

Hey guyss~ i would like to share my experience going to my first ever kpop concert.. it has been few weeks already.. i make a vlog on my yt channel.. if you haven't watch it yet.. go watch NOW!!

In my video i can't really talk a lot.. so here i will rant and share everything that i went through on that day.. I'm having Post Concert Depression (PCD) real bad.

The concert was held at MIECC hall beside The Mines mall. We arrived there probably at 1 p.m. I was mind blown when some of carats were there since 9 a.m like.. i'm amazed bruh. After arrived i went for freebies hunting.. i don't get a lots of freebies because i was kinda "late". There is so few of Lee Chan's freebies i'm upsettt. i got one Lee Chan's photocard... i'm sed.

So, after freebies hunting at The Mines mall me and my friend went back to the hall area and just walking through the stall that sold lots of seventeen merchandise. I didn't buy any because i was hella broke... i have another story of being broke af.. so not gonna tell you guys here.. so i just cried in my heart bcs i want carat bong and other merch.. my broke purse can't relate with other carat.

After i died a lil after can't bring those merch i just sat on the stairs waiting to be called in. They said at 4 p.m CAT3 zone (which is my zone and it's freaking far from stage) but the organizer failed us.. carat is mad and sad.. even CAT2 hasn't entered yet.. until.. idk 5.30 p.m or something than only they allowed us to enter. While waiting to enter the hall, i was interviewed by hurr.tv hehe you guys can check it out.. wait let me put the video here

I did well right? haha i was the girl in blue shirt, pink shawl and a cap on stairs..

Now, the most amazing part. When they come out on the stage with intro and they sing Highlight, i cried.. everyone was screaming their lungs out, i was just froze there and cried.. it was so unreal even my seat is freakin far from stage i still can see them! Lee chan a.k.a Dino is sooo cute his voice is cute like it was so unreal hahaha everything about him is cute.. On their first ment, Hoshi called himself a princess.. i can't he is just too silly.. he was so hyper an he is so caring. Hoshi kept on mentioning carats on the back seats (which is my zone) until their last ment. 

Dino talked a lot. In most of their variety show Lee Chan didn't really have lots of screen time and he seem kinda quiet type of guy but it was total opposite on the day. He just talk non stop, he talk after each members talk. I JUST FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM MORE! Dino and seungkwan having rap battle, dance battle and dino did win i mean well my boii you did well hahaha. it was so fun, they are so funny and playful. I fall in love with each of them more and more! 

They have units performance. I was speechless on hiphop unit's performances.. it was amazing i have no words to describe! Next, vocal unit.. i kinda save my energy while they are performing because their voice was real and amazing and and wonderful, it's ballad anyways so i really save my energy for performance unit. Performance unit has been my fav all of the time, when they come out on stage they act cute and i died again! LEE CHAN JUST STAB MY HEART! I really wish i have that video. I am a huuugggeee fan of performance team so i scream my lungs out since the songs they perform are  my top fav song from performance team.

Other performance are fun and exciting as well.. until their encore stage. Before their encore stage we are suppose to sing "campfire" song since it is our fan project but it was a failed bcs lots of carats were not informed.. but on their last ment each of carat rise up our banner/slogan and their reaction on the slogan were so warm and touching. They said they will comeback and the slogan make them want to comeback more! It was wonderful i can't describe the feeling

The slogan that i said before.

Fast Track Event is the organizer of Ideal Cut in KL and Singapore, Their security is strict as hweeellll. They are on each angle of the hall haha.. Some of us manage to record.. i don't know how they did. 

I have this thought before.. "Why waste money go to concert and sit at the back when you can watch on youtube and see them up close" i got the answer now.. Not everything about svt is showed on youtube hiphop unit even perform an unreleased song. you cannot hear it anywhere else.. Overall, the concert is amazing i cried, i laugh, i smile, i scream haha.. so yea guys that is all for this long entry.. been awhile since i post a longggg entry.. so bye bye see ya in next post

Being so unproductive.

Hey guys.. been awhile, it is soooo long since my last update. However, i'm back.. yes people sarah is back.

I'm not even sure if people will read my blog anymore..but still i just wanna share my hearts out. Blog has been my diaries for years. i try to be "professional blogger" but nah never happen i just come back with more stories of mine. /like who even interested in my life. right?

So, i think i've been in a worst period of my life ever. I was so unproductive and unmotivated.. I don't enjoy writings anymore.. whenever i want to start writing again i feel like it is a burden. I think i was so stressed out with my college life. I really hate my college life.. i know it is not a good thing to share but still... college is so.... heartbreaking and kind of ruining my life. um sorry for too much negativity. 

I tried to do youtube videos... well i still upload on my channel... but now i realised that blog post are much more easier than youtube..but maybe i just toooo thirsty for attention that i abandoned my precious blog.. because people don't really read this type of blog anymore. Youtube need a lot of energy, time, money and idk everything.. i feel more comfortable writing blogs it is just so warm and it feels like home hahaha.

If you guys don't know yet.. i've been offer to be contributer on ZALORA THREAD yea i wrote like 2 articles there then i kind of pause because i was so... idk i feel like i was in the dark past few months.. but now zalora thread offer me again as existing writer to write more and get paid... i was stoned atm bcs i was unprofessional af for not writing and yet they gave me another chance... and i decide i will work hard.. if college is doing me dirty, writings will shine on me. just sayin.. accounting is hard. i died a lil..

Now I'm gonna use this opportunity wisely, i will establish my name as freelance writer on zalora thread.. Insyallah.. and maybe soon enough i will be writing for more magazines... This is it... some boring stuff to share with you all... till see you again on another post.