Assalamualaikum and Hi everyone. How are you guys been doing? I hope everyone is well and healthy. I'm just going to update you about my life and "self-love" journey. I have a lot of draft poems but I don't feel like publishing them yet.
So, if you are my Instagram follower, you must have known I am going through heartbreaking stuff and have been sad about it. It's true. I have my first heartbreak from someone I don't even date. I wrote an entire paragraph to that person and publish it here last time but I decided to just remove it.
This guy is probably my first love after my teenage years. The one that I dream of a future together. But I was just delusional. I admit that I am a hopeless romantic person, I did make an entire post about it last time. Still in this blog.
I honestly fell for this person because he seems to be understanding about my mental health. He has been really supportive and sweet the entire time. He makes me feel like I want to put on makeup, wear cute clothes, be pretty and just slay. I never experience it in my entire life, so of course, I fell for him. I love him dearly. But again, I was a fool. I knew with my entire existence that we will never be something but I was desperate for his attention. I got really low and anxious all the time. I cried at every opportunity I had because I want him desperately. Then, things happened we slipped away and it just got really messy. Especially in my head. I was delusional, I was in denial.
I really start to blame every single thing. I hate myself a lot because we didn't happen. I try to hate him. I self-sabotage. I start doing stupid things to cope. I didn't know it will mess me up real bad. I have been suicidal since I can remember but I never knew this one hurt more than my traumas. We used to text a lot, but when we stop out of the blue it is really a hell of a ride. It just did something to my self-esteem. It hurts more than my existing traumas.
I try to text him on multiple occasions. I just feel like I need to talk to him, I feel the urge to just find an excuse and start texting him. But I'm glad I did not. He seems happy with his love life and I couldn't do anything about it. There is no way in this world that he could ever choose me. I try to accept this but my whole body rejected it. I went crazy for a few weeks. It is so funny how heartbreaks really mess up your head. I am about to go single for eternity. I reject every single man that came after him.
Now, I am sane. I have moved on. I honestly just realise my self-worth. Begging for someone's attention is not okay. Nobody deserves to feel like an option or a doubt. It was never okay to lower your values just to be with someone. I feel like I will rather be alone than begging to be loved. Even if there is the slightest chance that he will love me back, I wouldn't want it again because I feel like I let him disrespect me once.
This story is worth mentioning and looking upon because this is the starting point of something that is much more beautiful. A journey that makes me learn about my worth and learn how to detach from my attachment issues. I am now onto the next chapter. I am learning how to love properly and let someone into my life again.
He was once the standards but now someone else came crashing those standards. I am doing well, I learn to accept myself and someone else is taking care of me well. I still do hope that we are still friends but I feel like it's impossible. I am truly happy that he is doing well and just enjoying his life. I wish nothing but the best for him but I would still punch him if we ever cross paths in future.
Yeah, who knows a stranger could actually gave a huge impact on my life. It's okay, the new chapter has begun. Look forward to my updates and see you soon on the next entry. Byeee <3