Assalamualaikum and hi, how are you guys doing? I hope everyone is well and stay safe. I have a lot of ideas on what to update on my blog but I never did, and I end up posting about my "well-being" which isn't that fun to read. I'm so sorry but I'll come back with a more exciting and maybe knowledgeable entry.
When I was younger, my dream is to inspire people. I don't know how, but I want to look up at me and be like "damn she's such an inspiration", it's just my biggest dream. But without realizing it, the dream faded away into thin air as if it wasn't in me. A few years later, some people remind me back to those dreams, and now at 22 years old, I try to make a path for it. Apparently, I'm such a clown. How can someone who can't even manage herself try to inspire other people? Impossible.
Recently, a lot of things have triggered my trauma. I'm not saying I have the worst childhood. I got this uneasy feeling and kept remembering things that happened past 12-6 years. I hate this feeling and I feel a lot of resentment towards the people that affected my life. I feel like if they could treat me better, I won't be such a mess now. I tried, I try to forget it but it won't go away.
I got tired of everything that has been in my mind. When I try to open up, seeking some affection and attention, I got pushed away. "You are old enough", "You are being dramatic", "You are overreacting" is all I got when I reach for some comfort. At this point, what should I feel? It's just like an empty room with no lights. Nothing there to help lighten up the room. Nothing.
I am in the scariest fight. Fight between me and myself. I don't know if this is just a phase in my life or it's going to be in me forever. I know I should love myself, accept myself but it just too overwhelming. I really hope that this going to be gone soon. Thank you for spending your time reading this, I'm so sorry for such negativity. Take care everyone.