005. Hold me

I am still so scared

I feel like no one is here

to hold my hand tight and,  

walk together towards tomorrow

I feel like it's impossible

for me to walk alone

It is so lonely and cold

I hate those feelings

All these years

I've been walking alone

I was holding myself tight

each day I am waiting for someone

To hold me and hug me

Telling me I'm doing really good

Being proud of me for being alive

Although, I am healing

There is still a huge part of me

Wanting someone to save me

Just like Rapunzel being saved from the tower

Wishing someone to pull me out

showing me the moon and stars

the busy life of the city

the colourful scenery of a kingdom

I keep dreaming one day it will happen

But, those are fairy tale

It will always be pretty and magical

It might not happen in this life

It felt like it is 

too much for asking someone to save me

but I can't help wanting someone to hold me tight

Maybe, no one will ever save me.

- Sarah Isyah

004. Because it's you

I want to know more about you
Not because I am desperate 
Not because I'm rushing
I feel pleasant talking to you

I enjoy your company 

I feel the warmth I haven't felt 

I want to hug you tight

and never let it go

When you ask about my day

My pain flies away

As if nothing is hurting me

It felt surreal when you asked

Yes, it was a short meeting

We barely know each other's name

But it felt so comfortable

that I wish we could be together

I know I have nothing to offers

I can only afford my heart

I'm scared it wasn't enough

So, I paused every time I wanted you 

It is hilarious to think about you

We don't know each other

Yet, I have this sort of feelings

Maybe, because it's you

- Sarah Isyah

Safe Space 01: Fear

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. I've learned a lot about mental health for the past 5 months by going to therapy and peer support groups. I think it's fun to share about my well-being but I think I'm good with it. I want to share something that is going to be beneficial to those who are struggling with their mental health. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and meant to be a discussion topic. 

I came out with new "series" here on my blog called Safe Space. Where I share the things that people rarely talk about and hope people who read this can relate and feel safe here. The first topic for Safe Space is fear. I talked with my therapist in one of my recent sessions about my fears of literally everything in life. I was scared and I feel like I'm losing so much of my youth because of my fear. 

I honestly perceived fear as something that is negative and I should fear my own fear. Does that make any sense? To put it simply, I feel like I should avoid things I fear instead of facing them. However, after I learn about it more, it changed my perspective on having fear. The fear isn't totally bad and it is there for a reason.

Let me be honest with you guys, I am scared to commit to a relationship, I am really afraid to have a partner or get married. I use to tell everyone I don't want to get married but then I realise I am just too scared because of a lot of reasons and there is a huge chunk of myself wanting to be with someone (I don't know if it's going to happen haha). After my therapist understand my condition, what she told me is something I would not be expecting. It goes something like ;

The fear that you have is normal, you were conditioned to have this fear because of what you see and went through. You should control the fear so that you can explore more and it is not grounding yourself but you should not be free from fear entirely. 

I think it is beautiful. I was always thought that I need to be free from my fear entirely. She then proceeds to tell me that without fear I will be ignoring all the red flags and I'll be caught in danger. But for me to keep exploring life and face the fear I can start by taking small steps. 

After the session, I kind of reflected and it all makes sense. When I am trying to meet a new person I can see the red flags because I have those fears but I am making small steps by meeting new people. So, my fear isn't grounding me anymore like it used to be. 

Isn't it beautiful? because how can something I perceived to be so bad can have such a positive meaning towards us. Yeah, life is so beautiful but sometimes we just fail to see it because our thought is so clouded. 

Since then, I am willing and tried to embrace my fears. I want to face it and try living my life to the fullest. Let the fear stays and I can keep flying.  I remember how I was so scared of rides in the theme parks but I face it and ride it anyway. I'm not going to lie it is still scary but I have good memories of it. 

To conclude, fear is an emotional reaction that is totally normal for one's to have. Let the fear be there to look out for you but do not let it ground you. It's going to be okay.

What is your thought on fears? Comment down below on your takes about this entry! See you guys in the next entry. Bye <3

003. Black is still a colour

Somedays, it is pitch black. 
Somedays, it is full of rainbows.
Either way, I am alive.
There is a heart beating inside. 

I woke up on a darker day, putting on a fight.

It is a war, war against myself. 

Tears are shed, blood is boiling.

It is suffocating, It is dark.

Hey, I think I need a light. 

When the day is full of colours,

Breathing in bright and shining colours,

Hopping around freely,

My heart is immensely full,

Please, keep the day going. 

Little did I know,

Black is still a colour

I am a blank canvas, 

open wide to be painted

Black, pink, blue, yellow,

It doesn't matter,

When I'm painted,

It is still me.

The same heart is still beating.

Black can be prettier,

Maybe the black will help other colours inside me shine,

It is just another colour that will be on canvas,

I'm going to embrace it and appreciate it,

Because art is not meant to perfect,

But to be appreciated,

Maybe someone will appreciate the black on me.

- Sarah Isyah