The life update: Heartbroken journey

Assalamualaikum and Hi everyone. How are you guys been doing? I hope everyone is well and healthy. I'm just going to update you about my life and "self-love" journey. I have a lot of draft poems but I don't feel like publishing them yet.

So, if you are my Instagram follower, you must have known I am going through heartbreaking stuff and have been sad about it. It's true. I have my first heartbreak from someone I don't even date. I wrote an entire paragraph to that person and publish it here last time but I decided to just remove it. 

This guy is probably my first love after my teenage years. The one that I dream of a future together. But I was just delusional. I admit that I am a hopeless romantic person, I did make an entire post about it last time. Still in this blog. 

I honestly fell for this person because he seems to be understanding about my mental health. He has been really supportive and sweet the entire time. He makes me feel like I want to put on makeup, wear cute clothes, be pretty and just slay. I never experience it in my entire life, so of course, I fell for him. I love him dearly. But again, I was a fool. I knew with my entire existence that we will never be something but I was desperate for his attention. I got really low and anxious all the time. I cried at every opportunity I had because I want him desperately. Then, things happened we slipped away and it just got really messy. Especially in my head. I was delusional, I was in denial. 

I really start to blame every single thing. I hate myself a lot because we didn't happen. I try to hate him. I self-sabotage. I start doing stupid things to cope. I didn't know it will mess me up real bad. I have been suicidal since I can remember but I never knew this one hurt more than my traumas. We used to text a lot, but when we stop out of the blue it is really a hell of a ride. It just did something to my self-esteem. It hurts more than my existing traumas. 

I try to text him on multiple occasions. I just feel like I need to talk to him, I feel the urge to just find an excuse and start texting him. But I'm glad I did not. He seems happy with his love life and I couldn't do anything about it. There is no way in this world that he could ever choose me. I try to accept this but my whole body rejected it. I went crazy for a few weeks. It is so funny how heartbreaks really mess up your head. I am about to go single for eternity. I reject every single man that came after him. 

Now, I am sane. I have moved on. I honestly just realise my self-worth. Begging for someone's attention is not okay. Nobody deserves to feel like an option or a doubt. It was never okay to lower your values just to be with someone. I feel like I will rather be alone than begging to be loved. Even if there is the slightest chance that he will love me back, I wouldn't want it again because I feel like I let him disrespect me once. 

This story is worth mentioning and looking upon because this is the starting point of something that is much more beautiful. A journey that makes me learn about my worth and learn how to detach from my attachment issues. I am now onto the next chapter. I am learning how to love properly and let someone into my life again. 

He was once the standards but now someone else came crashing those standards. I am doing well, I learn to accept myself and someone else is taking care of me well. I still do hope that we are still friends but I feel like it's impossible. I am truly happy that he is doing well and just enjoying his life. I wish nothing but the best for him but I would still punch him if we ever cross paths in future. 

Yeah, who knows a stranger could actually gave a huge impact on my life. It's okay, the new chapter has begun. Look forward to my updates and see you soon on the next entry. Byeee <3

010. Right person, wrong time

 

I don't believe in the right person wrong time

I believe it is the right person at the right time

You were meant to meet me at my worst

I was meant to be hurt by you so badly

The worst version of me teaches you a lesson

and you hurt me, push my healing journey 

As much as I want you to stick forever 

It is not supposed to be that way

We met for reasons and I got to keep believing in fate

I accept that I can't keep you by my side

I hope my memories of you never die

I am sailing to the next journey to meet the right person at the right time. 

- SarahIsyah

A letter for you

 Assalamualaikum and hello everyone. How are you guys doing? I hope you are doing fine and only filled with love and happiness. It's been a while since my last update and honestly, I'm out of ideas on what to write. I feel so heavy to keep sharing about mental health since I wasn't in the best shape too. However, I'm back on this entry to write a letter for myself and maybe it can be useful to any of my readers 

Hi, dear self.

You will be 24 years old soon, it's been a long and tiring journey. All I want you to know is that you have been really strong and you did really well surviving despite the tough time you went through. I know there are plenty of moments that you feel unloved, unappreciated and hopeless but never once do you give up on your life. I'm really sorry for keep hurting you mentally and physically. I'm sorry for abandoning you during the most challenging time. I promise you all I'm trying to do is survive and protect us. 

I know we are on the self-love journey, this blog is proof that we are trying really hard to love ourselves and be better. I know really well that a lot of days it felt like impossible, you just want to give into the lump of darkness. You have been living for other people's sake, you have no dream and no control over your own life. But, look at you now. Those clouded dreams are visible, you are gaining control over your life. It may be small steps but it's a huge progress. 

Remember those days when you are scared of the amusement park but still went with your friends and get on the ride, remember when you are scared of meeting new people but manage to get a new friend and went out together, remember when driving seems impossible but you did it, you drive to a lot of places, remember the day you were scared of the idea of having someone in your life and now you want to have it, remember.. those days when waking up seems impossible but you did.. There's still a lot of things that we want to do but never did and that's okay. Take your time. Small steps. You are doing so well. 

Please never give up, keep surviving even though it seems impossible. Keep on writing because that is what makes you feel alive. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are loved, you are appreciated, and there is hope for you. You are amazing, you are pretty, and you have always been kind. I love you <3 

Sincerely,

Sarah Nurasiyah

009. I can't have you

I love the idea of having you
Having you by my side
Dancing in the rain, when it's hurt
Hugging for warmth and comfort
Shower me with kisses for the love 
Just, you staying by my side

The idea of my love for you is so pure
I want to grow old together
Loving your flaws and your perfections
Throwing away the mask that conceals our face
Be our version of each other

Knowing you makes me want to be the best version of me
I want to be better so I can make you content
I want to heal the pain that is hurting you
I want to linger by your side when no one is around
I want to embrace you with care and affection  

Though,
Something is hanging and swaying 
I sense that it is not the kind of love you are looking for
There are unspeakable things that make me feel uncertain
My gut keeps telling me I can't keep you

Maybe, I can't have you. 

- SarahIsyah

Safe Space 03: Letting go

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you guys doing? I hope everyone is doing better. In today's entry, I'm going to share about letting go or moving on. I would be happy if you share your thoughts with me in the comment section after reading my entry.

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counsellor, or a psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and is meant to be a discussion topic. 

Has anyone ever told you "You need to move on" "Just let it go" "Jangan simpan di hati" "Tak baik berdendam, biar kan ja" "Benda dah lepas, jangan di kenang" ? Have you ever heard this? I do, a lot of times. It was never my intention to keep it inside me, I never wanted to remember those painful times. But it was never easy to just let it go, to just move on. The memories, the emotions, and the time were all real. You experience it with all your sense. How is it so easy to move on?  

If you attend a motivational talk or watch motivational videos, it always seems easy to just move on. But in reality, you were not prepared to move on. You have no skills or tools to digest what is happening with your body and emotions. You are just clueless on how to move on. 

To be honest, at this moment I am still struggling to move on from my past. I am struggling to let go of things I want but can't have. I might be writing this emotionally because I'm feeling the pain of losing things. 

Sometimes we don't understand, why are we hurting? why we are the one that suffers? Somedays we understand it very well that we can't have everything we want. Nevertheless, it was so hard to process.

I just want to let you know that it is okay to cry and grieve over things you lose or the person you love left you. Acknowledge your feeling, you are hurting. We are humans, we have emotions. Take a day off, and set a timeline on how long you are allowed to cry. You'll only heal and start to let it go once you understand your own feeling. 

Next, focus on yourself. Seek help if it is unbearable, and speak to someone you trust to let the pent-up emotions out. Start your healing journey because with healing comes acceptance and letting go means you accepted what happened to your past. 

Most importantly, know your limit. Know what you can and can't control. We can't force someone to stay with us but we can do self-care to love ourselves. 

I think that's all for this entry. Please share with me how you move on from a traumatic experience or a breakup. Would love to hear from you. See you in the next entry <3

008. If only..

If only...

I can just smile,

Just chill,

Just be happy,

Just love the life

If only...

I can just stop overthinking,

Stop getting stressed,

Stop my own fear,

Stop getting excited over little things

If only...

It is as easy as spelling out those words...

If only...

You would accept my fragile self,

Would cheer on me,

Would hug me,

Would assure me

And, if only it was all possible.

-SarahIsyah

Surviving through Trauma

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you guys doing? I hope everything went smoothly with whatever you are doing. It is mid of May, and I reflect on my life a little. I realise something that I never did and I feel like sharing it with you guys. It is indeed another mental health-related post. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counsellor, or a psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and is meant to be a discussion topic. 

This year I met a lot of new people, amazing people. Having lots of conversations with different people, made me realise that majority of us are surviving through our trauma. I've always heard or seen mental health advocates, survivors and fighters say "I can't really judge or be mad at them cause I know they are going through their own problems". It's true, after a year of going to therapy I became more empathetic.  

We are all dealing with our own problems, but little did we know, that the way we act is because of all of the problems that we face from childhood till now. That's why sometimes we can't understand why people got angry at the smallest thing, cry over the stupidest things, laugh at something that is not funny and doesn't react when they are in danger. It might be the trauma response. 

Sadly, not everyone is aware of their own trauma. Some trauma can definitely be seen, like scared of water because you've been drowned during your childhood. But the smallest reaction from other people can be a trauma to us. For example, a simple rejection to go out to have dinner with friends or family can trigger the trauma. In some occurrences putting so much weight / losing too much weight can be a trauma response. People binge eating as a coping mechanism, and people go on an extreme diet as a coping mechanism to make themself feel better. 

There is a famous quote that people always say "Everything happened for a reason" and I believed that the way that we act that is very unpleasant to others is due to a reason. It could be fear, or unsettled issues that are still within us. Of course, this can't be applied to everyone because the human mind is so fascinating. Some people are just pure evil without any trauma (real crime fans might know some stories) 

However, healing your trauma is no one's responsibility but yours. It doesn't matter if the one giving you trauma is living happily, doing well or worst. You need to heal yourself. The trauma or your mental health issues cannot justify your wrongdoing. This might be bitter to take, but it is the truth. I know we already felt bad about ourselves, but inflicting our own trauma on others is unfair. For instance, if you talk bad about someone just because they had similar traits to your ex is unfair to them because they are not your ex.

 In 2022, mental health awareness is becoming more relevant, there are a lot of NGOs, private, and government agencies that are offering help. We can't change others but we can change ourselves. If you notice yourself having a difficult time coping, reach for help. It is not embarrassing, you are not weak. You are strong and fearless to admit that you need help. We live in a society, there will always be someone who can relate to your story and there will always be someone who can help you. But first, you need to admit you need help. 

I am creating a safe space on my blog for you to share your stories, feel free to comment with your thoughts and if you have any questions just drop them in the comment section. See you in the next entry <3

Safe space 02: Be a part of support system

 Assalamualaikum and hi. Salam Ramadhan! I hope you guys are doing fine. Today is going to be another mental health-related entry. But instead of dealing with mental health in the first person, it's the second/third person or I could say it as becoming a part of a support system to your friends or family. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counsellor, or a psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and is meant to be a discussion topic. 

Dealing with people who suffer from mental illness was never easy. It can be really exhausting and sometimes we just don't understand why they were acting in a specific behaviour. Or sometimes we just don't know how to help them. Especially when it comes to the loved one.

Mental illness signs can vary from high mood swings to having suicidal thoughts. Sometimes, mental health can be undiagnosed. When you notice the sign to your loved one, be as open-hearted as you can be. It's going to take you through a ride. In the end, it will be worth it. 

To be a great support system, you must not be too judgemental or critical of them and ensure them that you care. Be sure to check them out. However, don't be too pushy, give them some space and never force them to open up. Let them know, that whenever they are ready, you will listen. This will make them feel heard and valid. I know sometimes the story they share might be a small matter or didn't make sense to you. But to them, it is real and heavy. 

When they open up to you, they are not actually asking you to solve their issue but rather to let it out from their chest. So, avoid giving advice unless they asked for it. Because what they told you is just a surface of a bigger problem / unsettled issue. We might unconsciously, give a bit of bad advice that could harm them more. Instead, tell them " I'm so sorry you have to go through all of it" "It must be tough for you to go through this" "It is okay to feel that way, what can I help to make you feel better?". 

DO NOT! compare them to yourself or with other people. Their experience might be similar to others but the pain is there, they are feeling it. With all the thoughts and suffering they went through, the last thing they would want is to be compared. It would make them feel invalid and they might not open up to you anymore. You don't want this to happen too. 

You may help them contact professionals, or motivate them to seek help. Be careful, do not force or control them, let them make their own decision. I believe that you can be the biggest reason why your loved one seeks help. This will allow them to feel appreciated. 

In all this effort to help, you must understand that healing from mental illness takes a long time. You need to be patient, it is a slow process of trial and error. You can read more about mental health, so you would understand more about how to be around them. 

Providing emotional support is an honourable thing to do, you might be the reason why they are still fighting and stay alive. You will make them feel less lonely and definitely feel heard. Anyway, please don't abandon your mental health. Be sure to practise self-care and most importantly know your limits. 

We are all struggling in our own ways, let's be the support system for one another and create a safe space for everyone to talk about their mental health without the stigmatization.

Please share your thoughts in the comment section :) See you in the next entry <3

" I don't know how to get help for my mental health"

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you been doing? I hope everyone is healthy and happy. Since the day I open up about my mental health and became part of mental health advocate, I've been receiving a few similar questions. I am literally nobody in the mental health advocate community, but I have friends and a really small circle on my blog.

Recently, one of my blog readers dm me personally thanking me for sharing my stories inspires her to keep on fighting and seek help. I can't help but feel happy and grateful that I can help some people. Honestly, I just want to thank each of you that read my stories because you make me feel heard. 

Anyway, on today's entry, I just want to share how to seek help or get your mental health check-up. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, therapist, counsellor, or psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and is meant to be a discussion topic. 

Taking the first step to check-up our mental health is not an easy step to take. It takes courage, time, energy and more. But most importantly, the first step can be so clueless and helpless. Not going to lie I took about 4-6 months to figure out how to take the first step. I talked to a few advocates, fighters and survivors. I read a lot of Twitter threads. I watch a lot of videos. Finally, in Jun 2021, I took courageous steps by signing up for an online Mental Health screening. Feel free to check my experience on this entry [here]

So, that was my story. What about you? To take the first step you have a few options.  You may choose to go to Klinik Kesihatan and ask for a consultation (request from the doctor in Klinik Kesihatan to see a psychiatrist in hospital if necessary),  Check-up at the closest Mentari centre, a Government hospital with a psychiatry unit. These are very affordable services,  I believe ranging from RM5-RM30 (I might be wrong). Or, if you have some extra money you can go to private hospitals and clinics. I am not really sure about the prices.

If you feel like, you just need therapy or you don't want any medication. You can register for sessions with a counsellor, clinical psychologist or certified professional. If you have no idea, where to look for these services, you can check out aloe.mind, caracara.space or ripple.community on Instagram. There are more services out there, but these three are the most familiar to me. These services can be expensive for some, but still in an affordable range starting from RM25-RM250. Do check out those pages because sometimes they do have promotions and free check-ups. If you are in an emergency or any life-threatening situation contact befrienders at o3-76272929 (free service).

Personally, I go through the therapy route just because I find it really flexible and I can choose my therapist. Also, some of the services/platforms are conducted online. It is really up to you to make the choice. If you think diagnosis and medication are important, choose Klinik Kesihatan or Hospitals.

Besides, it is important for you to know the types of professionals available. There are psychiatrists, clinical psychologists, counsellors and trainees. Psychiatrists are the professionals that can diagnose and their treatment approach is medications. Clinical psychologists can diagnose but the approaches are psychotherapy like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Counsellors, on the other hand, use a more person-centred approach like talk therapy. For trainees, they are final year master's students. I believed trainees are highly supervised and competent to help you. 

If you are still hesitant and not sure when to actually seek help. You can start by taking the screening or test first. Just to get a general idea about your mental health. I know it's going to be scary and I know a big part of you want to reach out. It's okay, take your small steps, and gather some courage. You are not alone, there are more people fighting alongside you. 

That is all for this entry. If you have any experience by any chance please share it in the comment section down below. Let others know they are not alone.

See you in the next entry. Bye <3

This entry is supposed to be in 1st Jan 2022

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you guys been doing? I hope everyone is doing really good and have a great day ahead. It is almost at the end of January 2022. I've been putting on my schedule to draft/write an entry since day 1 but I keep procrastinating

2021, was an eventful year for me. The biggest life transition happened to me. I also make a very huge step by seeking help from professionals regarding my mental health. I lost hope most of the time but it allow me to fight to survive. I bet you could see from my previous entry. I would say 2021 is the year I am discovering myself. I have 10 new hobbies, 1000 break down, 100 joyful moments, 100 rejections and the list goes on and on. 

All I could say is I ended my 2021, with a lot of values and knowledge to bring into 2022.

I would like to fast forward to January 2022. I started my year with a new dream and I never felt this good in my life, I started a new job, changed my wardrobe, exercising, just thinking I could thrive this year. But, yea who am I kidding? I am still struggling to control my emotion, controlling my thoughts and my depressive episodes are hitting me here and there. Sadly, I stop seeing my therapist for 2 months due to a clash of schedules but starting next week I'm seeing a new therapist. I hope everything went well.

As my first 2022, a mental obstacle that I feel like ruining my mental health is I lost interest in everything I use to have fun doing it. I stop doing makeup, I stop drawing, I get less interested in food, I lost my interest in writing. It takes me a lot to write this entry, It feels so dreading. That's why I keep procrastinating on my new year entry.

Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting, I feel like I keep telling people how much I'm struggling. Which I definitely don't have to. I felt sorry but I don't at the same time. I don't know where is my thought process brings me. 

I think this is going to be a short entry because I don't know what else to say. Usually, I will go into detail about what I learned and achieved last year. But not this time I guess. To conclude, 2021 was the year that I feel really close to giving up but at the same time, it gave me a lot of reason to keep on fighting.

How was your 2021? Is the first month of 2022 getting better? Share with me and see you on the next entry!