speed running life.

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone~ it's Sarah's irregular entry. It's back. This will be a rant post or me just looking back on life. Let's just ride with my feelings at this moment.

2024 is almost done, almost wrapped. I honestly don't know where to begin. So many things have happened and it was a ride. Let's just start with my mental health journey, because this blog was always a safe space to talk about my mental health.

In 2023, I stopped going to therapy, but this year, I decided to resume my sessions. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was diagnosed with ADHD. If I'm being honest, my mental health isn't the worst. I feel like my 2023 was the best and 2024 it dropped. I believe it’s largely because I’ve been struggling with work-life balance I neglected my self-care and became overwhelmed. I am facing challenges with executive dysfunction, it was hard planning, executing tasks, and staying organized incredibly difficult. However, I've made some big decisions to have a better working life next year. After all, some sacrifices need to be made. Hope it is all worth it.

I’ve also been struggling a lot with my self-esteem and self-worth, and honestly, I think this has been the biggest challenge I’ve been working through since I first started therapy three years ago. It feels like I’ve made very little progress in this area. I still have this really strong feeling deep down that I’m unlovable,  not just in romantic relationships, but with friends and family too.

Alright, let’s leave all the negative stuff behind for a moment! There have actually been a lot of positive and happy things that happened this year too. I've been able to make lots of new friends as well this year. There’s one person in particular who I’m so grateful to have met. I’ve had all sorts of weird feelings about this person, which I ended up talking about with my therapist. Just to realize, that this person has helped me find a huge piece of myself that I’ve been searching for all along. I really hope this friendship stays.. If I could be selfish, I hope it stays forever.. 

If you know me personally, you know how I love content creation. If you stay long enough on this blog, you'll know my creative endeavors. I'm happy to tell you guys that I am still doing it, maybe more than I could do before. To the people who've been supporting my creative journey (a.k.a my younger self) rest assured, I am doing amazing. Definitely not easy, but I've been enjoying it so much. In regards to writing, I am still writing but it's all in my notes, I don't really publish it anymore.

Moving on to the topic that I need to mention every year is about having a romantic partner/Jodoh. I feel like this year I am the most chill and I don't know. I kind of lost interest in finding one with whatever happened on previous year. But I still want to have one (T.T). I am actually interested in someone but I don't know, I feel like it's almost impossible. I have the urge to run away and just ignore these feelings but I think I'll go with the flow for this one. I've spoken to my therapist and she's assuring me I'll be fine. I also put my trust in my creator, I trust whatever is best will be in my way.

Oh! I think this is the last update, my best friends are getting married and I'm receiving good news from each of them. You know I am genuinely happy for them. Like knowing their life journey and receiving this good news is just, I don't know. If they are happy, I am happier.

That is all for these updates, I will see you guys soon on the next update. Please have a nice day ahead and let me tell you, you've been doing so well surviving 2024! See ya~

The self-love journey with a diagnosis

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How have you guys been doing? I hope only good stuff happens to you. It's crazy how it is already June. Time does fly fast eh. 

When I started my self-love journey I didn't believe that it was going to be this long and I was going to discover a lot of stuff about myself. I guess by now, you guys know that I've been going to therapy to seek help with stuff I've been dealing with. Earlier this year I went to an ADHD webinar as I do suspect myself to have ADHD because I keep seeing the symptoms to be similar to what I'm going through. 

However after the webinar, I was pretty convinced that I do not have ADHD because I do not relate to some parts of the major symptoms, and as per word suggesting, I am not hyperactive. I am pretty much laid back physically.

I gave like two months after the webinar and I finally decided to take ADHD assessment because something in me kept telling me that I needed to get validation. I feel like I've been struggling for so long but there's actually "nothing" wrong with me. From the initial assessment, my therapist said that I am likely to have ADHD but she advised me to go through therapy sessions first. After my seventh session, we decide to take an in-depth test including an IQ test. The result just came in and I was diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD. Basically, inattentive ADHD is internalized hyperactive. I was struggling with stuff like being organized, missing stuff, etc. 

When I was aware of my result, I didn't really know how to feel. Some parts of me feel a little relieved because I feel validated. I just got a major throwback on my life and basically, a lot of stuff finally made sense to me. However, moving forward I don't really want to use ADHD as an excuse for me to just be a mean person. It is not fun, to have difficulties doing daily tasks for a normal human being. I genuinely started this journey and took all these tests because I was feeling really bad about myself.

I would say there is one part of the things that's been bugging me that is finally ruled out. Now I can actually focus on specific parts to improve myself to function in daily life. I am actually very glad I took the first step in my healing journey. Because if I don't I would still probably be hating myself and confused. 

One thing I would say to you guys is trust your guts. If you feel like something is wrong with you, trust it and slowly discover your life. Knowing what is wrong with you doesn't mean you are less worthy. It proves the point of how strong you are because you are willing to learn about yourself. 

I guess that's it for this post, I just want to share my journey with you guys just like how I always do. Remember you are not alone and you deserve so much love. See you guys in the next post, feel free to drop your question in the comment box or just hit me up if you need someone to talk to about mental health.

See ya <3

The journey in 2024

Hi Assalamualaikum, it's been forever since the last update. Life is getting to me and I am super busy with lots of new hobbies.

If you are new to my entries, you can read my previous post to understand what I've been through. I've met a lot of people throughout these years and it's kind of natural to have new people here. I've been pretty open about my mental health and I have been on a journey of finding myself and self-love for quite some time now. You can literally backtrack through this blog. I have been on the journey by myself but I decided to seek professional help back in 2021. I went to multiple sessions of therapy and different therapists. Since then life has been a roller coaster. There are a lot of ups and downs throughout the entire journey. In mid-2022 and the entire 2023, I took a break from therapy because of time and financial reasons. To be honest I was feeling a lot better than I was in 2021, that's why I stopped the therapy.

I don't really want to elaborate on things that happened during those times. Fast forward to 2024, and I am back to therapy sessions. I am not in a bad position as I was in 2021, I wasn't really in the darkest time of my life but I feel so broken. I feel like I am unable to function as a normal human being. I have a lot of issues I need to work on to be able to actually feel "normal". But honestly, what is a normal human being? I don't know. 

Just a recap, in 2021, I was at the lowest point of my life. I have no will to stay alive. After I found my will to live I faced another issue for my existential crisis. I feel like I am unable to do normal stuff, do daily life tasks, regulate my emotions, and in general, I feel bad about myself. A big part of me also is just not comfortable being myself. These are the reasons I went back to therapy. 

Surprisingly, I like this therapist. She has been very helpful just to match up with my pace and just a good therapist. When I do the talking, she honestly feels like I'm talking to my best friend haha. But when it comes to giving advice she is obviously better than just friends because she's professional. I also feel like I'm being super honest and open up more to this therapist compared to the previous therapist I worked with.

You know it's pretty sad given the fact that you were once struggling to stay alive. Once you are over it, you are now struggling with the bare minimum stuff. Sometimes, I wonder why I make such an effort to be better when I can just let myself be in denial and just float like I've always been. Floating around with no dreams and hope is much easier. I wonder why?

One thing is for sure if you are starting this journey, it will never get easier and it will take forever to be better. You will always be a work in progress. So, please never give up and keep spreading positivity. You never know what life will bring you to.

Other than my mental health journey, my looking for "jodoh" part is stagnant. I can't see the future and there is no hope haha. I'm joking. I am learning to be comfortable with myself if the person suddenly appears then they appear. I trust my faith and he knows the best for me.

To anyone who read this, I might not know your struggles and the battles you are in. But I believe you can do it. I know life is unfair, but you can change your life. Live in the moment and take it slow. Small baby steps. It's the effort that matters. I really want to keep blogging, posting, and checking up on my blog friends. But I'm afraid I have no time to do so. I always want to create a safe space for you guys, please feel free to reach out and just talk if you want to. 

Oh before I end my post, I want to wish you well on this Ramadhan and Selamat Hari Raya in advance. Because I don't know when my next post. Take care <3