Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you doing? Salam Ramadhan and Salam Syawal. It's literally a few days left until 1st Syawal. I hope everyone has a fulfilling Ramadhan and makes the best out of it. I honestly don't know if any of my readers are still here or new people stumble upon my blog. I'm not really sure.
It's been a while since my last regular update on this blog. Well, I've been busy. If you keep up with my blog you must already know what has been happening around me. But If you don't, that's totally cool and fine. I'm SarahIsyah nice to meet you!
In my previous entry, I talked about how I feel like times go so fast and yes, it is still going fast. I have no space to breathe. Honestly. I'm just too tired. But I don't know what exactly I'm tired of. Maybe just everything. This entry will probably be the same rant entry about me being somewhat ungrateful or emotionally unstable.
From the earlier stage of this blog, I've been promoted self-love or about my own journey in discovering self-love. To be frank, I thought I was there. I thought I reached it. But I was wrong. If I already love myself, why do I have to discover them? I was totally wrong. I keep posting those stuff to convince myself that I am fine! I am loved! I'm accepting who I am. But at this moment, I'm just confused and really tired of myself. I don't know if this is just a phase or I am emotionally unstable.
A lot of things are happening, I am 23 years old facing major life-changing experiences from young adult/ student to full flash adult with responsibilities toward a lot of parties including myself. I feel so hopeless. I try my best to keep it positive, I try my best to be a better person but everything seems wrong. I feel like I am stuck in the past and I feel like I left something really important in my past and now I just can't move forward. I don't know what it is, it may be my dream, my purpose, my will, or just the fear of growing up. It's just too much for me.
When I look back in my life, why do dark memories keep appearing? Even when I read back my past entries, those feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger were inside me. Lately, these feelings just get overwhelmed. I have really bad mood swings, I'm just confused about everything and I feel so tired.
I realize maybe this is the time to get some help. But, I keep procrastinating. I feel like it is so hard for me to reach out for help from professionals. I was so lost on how I should seek proper help. When I finally got a clue, it feels impossible. Going to a government hospital going to take time and I am working, with this peak period I don't think I can find an excuse to be on leave. If I am going to a private institution, it's just hopeless, I didn't have enough money to spend on it. It's going to take time for me to save up. Maybe this was just another excuse for me not getting any help. I am not diagnosing myself with any mental illness but I feel it. Something is wrong with me.
You know, it is sad when you try to reach out to the closest person you have and they just don't give a damn. For them, it was just me seeking attention. "Stop being sad" "smile more""do you have to act up this way" I wish I can smile, I wish I am happy, I wish I am acting like a proper human. Maybe it was all for attention. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful person. I can't help but burst into tears most of the days. I can't help but think I am a failure. I just can't be enough to my family and friends.
Dear reader, I am so sorry for posting this negative energy. But I just don't know where should I tell this feeling. I just want to let it out a little bit. I am so sorry. I hope to see you guys on next entry with better update. Have a good day ahead.