Hopeless Romantic

Assalamualaikum and hi, everyone. It's been a while since I wrote something other than 'poems'. It is less than 5 days left for 2021 to end. I feel like I wanted to do 2021 Wrapped up, but I feel like sharing other topics. Save it for later I guess.

This year I learn so many things, but I'm keeping that information for my next entry. This entry going to focus on one of the biggest themes in my life which are My romantic life. Be prepared to get cringe. I've warned you. 

I'm 23 this year and I feel like it is an ideal age to get to know and meet someone. I think it is normal considering a lot of my friends are moving into the next stage. I just want to pass the talking stage I didn't ask for much hahaha. Look, I know more people are older than me and still single. Nothing is wrong with being single. Being single is amazing but sometimes I just can't help.

When I'm struggling with my mental health, I was hoping that I won't get married. I am scared and terrified of the idea of spending time with someone for my whole life. Not just marriage, I am genuinely scared of having a relationship with someone. I talked to my therapist about the relationship for two whole sessions because of how terrifying it is to me. 

Putting my mental health aside, I think another reason why it is so hard for me to be in a relationship is that I am a hopeless romantic. I have this fairy-tale imagination of what love is and I have a pretty high standard on how relationships should be working. My biggest belief is to be in relationship men should be making first steps. So, I've been waiting this whole time and yea still waiting. Until recently, I gather my courage and start talking to people and nothing working out yet.  

Considering, I am still scared of meeting new people I think I did a pretty good job. But sometimes, meeting new people is tiring and it can be so triggering. I feel like I just want to stop looking. But in the mid of 'searching', I met someone who change my perspective on having a 'partner'. We might not be together but he teaches me something valuable. There is going to be someone out there who can understand and can tolerate you if they want to. He might not know this but he helps me a lot on my healing journey. Now, again, I'm setting myself up for hopeless romantic. 

In all the jokes and seriousness for looking partner, the biggest hurdle is myself. I am struggling with my mental health. Most of the time I feel like I'm unlovable, I'm a boring person, I'm going to burden people and most importantly I feel like I'm going to hurt someone I love and care about. Also, since I'm a hopeless romantic, it is easy for me to get carried away with romantic feelings, which could be bad. 

I know I should not rush things up. I am still young. There is a lot more I can achieve other than being in a relationship. I've spent a lot of time being single, nothing is wrong to keep being single. One day, I'll read this entry and laugh over it. 

To other single people out there, it's okay to be sad for not having a partner but it is also okay to be single. Keep your standard high so you don't settle down for less. 

I think that's all for this entry. I hope you got something through my story and share with me your thought on having a partner (if you are single). See you in the next entry. Bye <3

007. Loneliness

When she is alone

Doesn't mean she is lonely

When she is out with friends

Doesn't mean she is not lonely 

Some just enjoy the time alone 

Some just love being around people

Some cried when they feel lonely

Others laughed when they are lonely

Whatever it is, they can still be lonely

Loneliness is a lump of feeling

That makes you detach from everything

It was never how many people exist in your life

It was never how you spend your weekend

The exteriors did not reflect the interiors 

Because, 

You did not choose to be lonely

The loneliness chooses to be there.

- Sarah Isyah

Note: Hi, if you experience intense loneliness and have a difficult time coping, please seek help. It is okay and normal to feel lonely due to your situations but remember you are not alone. 

006. Emotions

There are many times,
we struggle from understanding

our own emotions.

My therapist said, 

acknowledge your feelings

feels your feeling

don't deny them.

I tried embracing them but 

what is this emotion?

am I sad? am I disappointed?

or am I just so confused?

The heart is home to emotions,

you feel it through your chest

it beats to the rhythm of your emotion

In my head, I know too well

what is going to happen

but my heart ignores it

Somedays, I just wish I could kill it

stabs it until bleed and let it die

so I could keep living without feelings.

Please, 

stop getting attached to

another heart that wasn't for me

stop feeling so special

when they were just showing kindness

stop being so happy

when you know it's meaningless

stop being pathetic

to seek their attention 

I'm so tired...

- Sarah Isyah

*PSA: Just to clarify the thing I don't have to but my past few writings aren't meant for a lover but just people in general. thanks. still single. 

005. Hold me

I am still so scared

I feel like no one is here

to hold my hand tight and,  

walk together towards tomorrow

I feel like it's impossible

for me to walk alone

It is so lonely and cold

I hate those feelings

All these years

I've been walking alone

I was holding myself tight

each day I am waiting for someone

To hold me and hug me

Telling me I'm doing really good

Being proud of me for being alive

Although, I am healing

There is still a huge part of me

Wanting someone to save me

Just like Rapunzel being saved from the tower

Wishing someone to pull me out

showing me the moon and stars

the busy life of the city

the colourful scenery of a kingdom

I keep dreaming one day it will happen

But, those are fairy tale

It will always be pretty and magical

It might not happen in this life

It felt like it is 

too much for asking someone to save me

but I can't help wanting someone to hold me tight

Maybe, no one will ever save me.

- Sarah Isyah

004. Because it's you

I want to know more about you
Not because I am desperate 
Not because I'm rushing
I feel pleasant talking to you

I enjoy your company 

I feel the warmth I haven't felt 

I want to hug you tight

and never let it go

When you ask about my day

My pain flies away

As if nothing is hurting me

It felt surreal when you asked

Yes, it was a short meeting

We barely know each other's name

But it felt so comfortable

that I wish we could be together

I know I have nothing to offers

I can only afford my heart

I'm scared it wasn't enough

So, I paused every time I wanted you 

It is hilarious to think about you

We don't know each other

Yet, I have this sort of feelings

Maybe, because it's you

- Sarah Isyah

Safe Space 01: Fear

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. I've learned a lot about mental health for the past 5 months by going to therapy and peer support groups. I think it's fun to share about my well-being but I think I'm good with it. I want to share something that is going to be beneficial to those who are struggling with their mental health. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and meant to be a discussion topic. 

I came out with new "series" here on my blog called Safe Space. Where I share the things that people rarely talk about and hope people who read this can relate and feel safe here. The first topic for Safe Space is fear. I talked with my therapist in one of my recent sessions about my fears of literally everything in life. I was scared and I feel like I'm losing so much of my youth because of my fear. 

I honestly perceived fear as something that is negative and I should fear my own fear. Does that make any sense? To put it simply, I feel like I should avoid things I fear instead of facing them. However, after I learn about it more, it changed my perspective on having fear. The fear isn't totally bad and it is there for a reason.

Let me be honest with you guys, I am scared to commit to a relationship, I am really afraid to have a partner or get married. I use to tell everyone I don't want to get married but then I realise I am just too scared because of a lot of reasons and there is a huge chunk of myself wanting to be with someone (I don't know if it's going to happen haha). After my therapist understand my condition, what she told me is something I would not be expecting. It goes something like ;

The fear that you have is normal, you were conditioned to have this fear because of what you see and went through. You should control the fear so that you can explore more and it is not grounding yourself but you should not be free from fear entirely. 

I think it is beautiful. I was always thought that I need to be free from my fear entirely. She then proceeds to tell me that without fear I will be ignoring all the red flags and I'll be caught in danger. But for me to keep exploring life and face the fear I can start by taking small steps. 

After the session, I kind of reflected and it all makes sense. When I am trying to meet a new person I can see the red flags because I have those fears but I am making small steps by meeting new people. So, my fear isn't grounding me anymore like it used to be. 

Isn't it beautiful? because how can something I perceived to be so bad can have such a positive meaning towards us. Yeah, life is so beautiful but sometimes we just fail to see it because our thought is so clouded. 

Since then, I am willing and tried to embrace my fears. I want to face it and try living my life to the fullest. Let the fear stays and I can keep flying.  I remember how I was so scared of rides in the theme parks but I face it and ride it anyway. I'm not going to lie it is still scary but I have good memories of it. 

To conclude, fear is an emotional reaction that is totally normal for one's to have. Let the fear be there to look out for you but do not let it ground you. It's going to be okay.

What is your thought on fears? Comment down below on your takes about this entry! See you guys in the next entry. Bye <3

003. Black is still a colour

Somedays, it is pitch black. 
Somedays, it is full of rainbows.
Either way, I am alive.
There is a heart beating inside. 

I woke up on a darker day, putting on a fight.

It is a war, war against myself. 

Tears are shed, blood is boiling.

It is suffocating, It is dark.

Hey, I think I need a light. 

When the day is full of colours,

Breathing in bright and shining colours,

Hopping around freely,

My heart is immensely full,

Please, keep the day going. 

Little did I know,

Black is still a colour

I am a blank canvas, 

open wide to be painted

Black, pink, blue, yellow,

It doesn't matter,

When I'm painted,

It is still me.

The same heart is still beating.

Black can be prettier,

Maybe the black will help other colours inside me shine,

It is just another colour that will be on canvas,

I'm going to embrace it and appreciate it,

Because art is not meant to perfect,

But to be appreciated,

Maybe someone will appreciate the black on me.

- Sarah Isyah

002. Broken

Why?
Why am I the broken one?
Waking up, feeling suffocated

Sitting around feeling lifeless

Sleeping with pictures in my mind. 

I think I am a broken piece

Trying to find me in different pieces

Scatters all over  the places

Trying to glue me together

Oh well, I am still broken.

I feel sick,

My heads throbbing

My hearts feel like crying

My throat is sore

My body is aching

I don't remember the days I don't feel sick.

Sometimes I can never register feelings in my heart

It left me in confusion and I got lost

I don't know what awaits me

and it scares me to face the reality.

Am I broken? 

Putting on a face to be everyone's favorite 

Ignoring a soul that screaming to be remembered 

When it's just me and the soul

Everything crumbles away

Oh, poor soul, I am sorry.

Pain, go away

I am trying my best  

Turning this broken piece into a beautiful flower

Facing the scary reality

Aids the forgotten soul

It is all because I am broken.

- Sarah Isyah

Checking In

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, how are you guys been doing? I think I'm really turning this blog into a mental health awareness or some sort of sharing my personal stories. I haven't updated since July. Oh wow, kind of a rare occasion because I usually post an entry when it's my birthday but I guess not this year. But it's just 2 weeks passed, still not late for birthday wishes. I'm kidding. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counselor nor psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and meant to be a discussion topic. 

I am not really sure what I'm going to share for this entry,  so it's just going to be a bit of a mess of random things I'm going to share. But rest assured, it would be focusing on mental well-being. I will let my fingers and heart tell you guys what I want to tell. If you are not familiar with my blog, I do share a lot about mental health and my journey in discovering self-love. I also write some poems, I have poems drafted for I don't know how long.

As I shared in the previous entry, I've been seeking help from professionals, I went to therapy. It's been a few sessions already. My initial plan was to share what I learned in each session but things happened. I've been struggling with self-motivation a lot lately. I feel like I have no will to live for another day. There was nothing exciting for me to keep going. I'm not gonna lie, some fun things did happen for the past few months but it just feels like... I don't know how to explain it. The only thing that I look forward to was my therapy session. I know a lot of people who dislike therapy, but for me, I enjoyed it. Having someone to talk with makes me feel better. 

I also went to a peer support group. It has been 3 sessions so far and honestly I don't know how I feel about it. It was an eye-opening experience where you can learn and understand what people's been going through, you learn more about taking care of your mental well-being. However, sometimes I finished the session feeling so empty. The support group's main concern was anxiety and when they teach about improving I always feel lost. It's not I dislike it but It gave me too many emotions where I cannot register it properly. I'm still grateful for joining because I learn a lot about how to manage my anxiety. I also feel like my anxiousness is intensified for the past few weeks, so it does help me. 

Okay, let's stop talking about me. Have you ever see your friends and you know too well that they are struggling to put on their life together because of their mental well-being? I do. They show a very strong sign. I reached them and asked them, I offers some help to the extent of paying for their check-up. But, they never wanted it. Most of the time they ignored me or change the topic real quick. I know it was not my problem but I feel really sad when it happened to someone I care about. All I can do now is checking in with them. Asking about what they are doing and so on just to let them know that they are not lonely. But still, when I am struggling lots of people lending their shoulders but I still feel lonely. I might not be enough to help them. But it's okay you have tried your best to convince them. It's up to them to make a change. (me trying to convince myself it is okay)

I  think that's it for this entry.  I feel so exhausted. I wish to share more but I am at my limit if I push myself any further this post might end up in the draft and I won't be updating for another month. Thank you to everyone that has been visiting my blogs, reading my entries. I really appreciate it and somehow feel a little undeserved. The blog view is increasing and I'm glad that my stories are helping people out there that you were not alone.

You are not alone! what you feel are totally valid and thank you for staying alive. You are so strong to keep fighting to live another day. Because of that our path crossed in this blog. 

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section. I'll reply to your comment but I don't know when sooner or later I'll be replying! See you in the next entry!

Do you need therapy?

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, how are you guys doing? I hope everything went well for you guys.  This is another story of my self-recovery journey but at the same time, I want to help whoever reading this. If you are new here, welcome I am Sarah and I share a lot about my experience in discovering self-love. I also do anime reviews, drama reviews, and song reviews but that rarely happens since I'm not doing well. but maybe we will see those content soon.

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counselor nor psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and meant to be a discussion topic. 

If you read past entries, you will see how I was reluctant and giving lots of excuses in seeking help. I feel like I got it under control and maybe it's just a phase. But the phases haven't ended yet. I can't take a risk of losing more and I think I make the right choice by signing up for therapy.  In the last 2 entries, I talk about my mental health screening, which I am very glad to attend because it makes me understand myself a little bit more. On the same night after the screening, I decided to register for a therapy session. 

My first therapy session was on 2nd July 2021. It is an experience to go through the session. I will not go into the session much because I don't think it is appropriate to share with you guys my problems. But I am really glad that I choose to go through this therapy because I can finally let out everything that I have latent. One thing that I realize, I've been hurt for too long. My regrets, anger, sense of hopelessness, helplessness are already inside me for years. It is not because of the current event that happens to me. It's a build-up of everything that I went through. I was being hard on myself because of what has been happening to me. My body and brain were used to it. 

When I was not feeling myself, feeling detached from reality, and so on, I never understand why. Try to heal without knowing what was the root to it is just useless. It is almost self-sabotaging. I was trying to be "positive" all this time because I thought that was the right attitude to heal. I was wrong. It is toxic positivity. The evidence is clear on my blog. I post a lot of entries encouraging people to be positive blindly without giving proper advice. Yes, positivity is needed but you need to understand that you are having a problem. Thinking positive all the time is just like pushing away all your problems, putting them aside and eventually, they'll come back and find you. It is an unsettling feeling. I will review my blog and take down every entry that promotes positivity blindly. Because I believe it is not helpful.

I talked to a few of my friends about getting therapy and some of them feel like it is unnecessary to go for therapy. Therapy is not only for people that are struggling with depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness. But it is a tool to help us understand more about ourselves and assists us in any life matter. Some people feel like seeking help is a  sign of weaknesses and sadly some people feel like they got everything under control but they are showing a clear sign of struggles. I used to be one of them. I don't blame them because "seeking help" is not in our culture, therapy is not being normalized, mental awareness is still low.

I want you guys to know, you are not weak. Seeking help is not for a weak person. It makes you a strong person. You are strong! you survive every single day, fighting to get up from your bed, fighting to get better every single day. Getting help took a lot of courage. 

So, do you need therapy? The answer might be yes. If you find yourself struggling to go through everyday life, being productive, you need the therapy. If you find yourself a keep making yourself busy to distract yourself from your problems, yes you need therapy. If you find yourself overthinking a lot, you need therapy. If you ever thought that "Everything will be better if I'm dead" you clearly need help. Also, a normal and mentally stable person will never make "suicide" or "dying" jokes. 

If you are not interested in therapy, you got another option by going to a psychiatrist to get diagnose and take medications. You can go to your nearest Klinik Kesihatan and talk to them, if your symptom is severe they will give you a referral letter to see a psychiatrist at the hospital. You also can get a referral letter from private clinics.

Therapy can be expensive, but currently, there are a lot of services that offer therapy at affordable prices. Some of them are negotiable and some of them offer therapy specifically for B40 people. Personally, I went to Aloe Mind because the price is affordable and I am satisfied with their service. If you want more information about their service feel free to check out their website or visit their Instagram at @aloe.mind  or if you have any questions regarding mental health issues and you can just hit me up on my personal Instagram @sarahisyah_

Let's create a better place for people to talk about their mental health and be kind to everyone. Share with me your thoughts on seeking help in the comment section down below and see you guys in the next entry! 

Suicidal?

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. I hope each of us is doing better. In today's entry, I would like to discuss something heavier and I really hope whoever comes across this entry, would spend their time and understand the message that I try to convey.

Trigger warning: Suicide

Disclaimer! I am not a therapist, psychiatrist, or any professionals in mental health-related. I'm making this entry on my own POV of suicidal thoughts or suicide in general. 

28th June 2021, I read a lot about suicide on Twitter. 2 people take their own life because of life pressure due the current condition of our own country. It's all over the news. I really hope no one shared the pictures because a suicide image is very dangerous. After all, it can lead to copycat suicide. I really hope people take this seriously. 

Most of the time, we never understand why someone wants to end their life. A lot of sane people, do not understand and some people take extra length to judge and mock the person. It's not about suicide but mental health in general. 

People attempt or wanting to take their own life because they have been suffering. They are sick. They want the pain to end. They are not in their right mind to distinguish which is right and which is wrong. They are unable to do that. Their heads are clouded by their own thoughts. I am really sad when there is suicide news, people are quick to judge them, mocking them. I know and believe that suicide is the biggest sin.

But what people do not understand, they were fighting for their life till the very end. Every single day, they woke up and choose to be strong to go on with their life. No one, no one in the right mind wanted to commit suicide. Who are we to judge them? Why are we mocking them? Why don't we help them when they are still alive? 

When we know someone with suicidal thoughts, don't rub in their face that "it is the biggest sin" they know. Instead, help them. Educate yourself on mental health awareness, be the listener. Stop giving advice if we think we are incompetent to do so. Guide them, persuade them to go to therapy, hold their hands and ask them to see doctors. 

We as a society might have failed them. We never try to create a safe place for them to understand what they actually went through. Most of them felt helpless. Read this properly, there is a lot of option out there for people to get help. But for people who have been suffering to take the first step to seek help, they need a support system to feel comfortable. Educate ourselves, so whenever they reach out to us, we can help them put their thoughts together. We never knew one's life journey. Being mean to them was just not it. I have so much to say about how other people perceive mental issues. I guess I'll talk about it in another entry.

All I really want to say is that I want you to know you are not alone for people who have been suffering. And to other people, be more acceptable and open-minded, don't be so quick to judge but instead offers a hand. Learn from other "suicide" cases. Don't let it repeated. They just want their pain to end without proper help, suicide is the easiest way to escape for them. Be a functional society rather than running your mouth. Be nice to everyone. You might save one life just by being nice. 

I guess that's all for today's entry, It took a lot for me to address this topic. I really want to create a better place and help everyone that has been suffering. If you need someone to talk to,  please contact Befrienders or their suicide hotline at 03-76272929. 

Let's create a safer place for everyone. 

I feel valid for the first time

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, it seems like I have somewhat more positive entry today. I am very. happy to share with you guys my first-ever mental health screening session. If you are regular on my blog, you know how my past 2-3 posts are generating negative vibes. But for once, let's just be more positive.

I was having a really rough time, it is rough but the most painful thing is when I keep reminding myself that I should not be acting a certain way, people telling me that I'm just being ungrateful, and so on. Simpler words, invalidating my feelings. After hesitating for so long, I finally reach out to the professionals. My actual plan was to go to the hospital and get a diagnosis or maybe some anti-depressant. But it was so hard for me to go, with all this lockdown and my work schedule it just feels impossible at the moment. However, my other plan is to go to therapy. 

I decided to go to therapy since the time is more flexible. But, before I  went through a  lengthy therapy session I  decided to go for mental health screening first to actually understand myself a  little more. Bear in mind, mental health screening is not a diagnosing tool. I don't know why I feel like getting the diagnosis is more important than finding solutions to my problem. I feel like having the title is more important and rightfully to received therapy. But, no, it is not. Everyone can go to therapy.

So, what happened during mental health screening? Basically, it is a short session where they review your test result. Before you go through your screening you need to take the online test. It is a simple depression, anxiety, and stress test. Throughout this session, the therapist will ask questions on why you are seeking therapy and this session helps me to understand more about myself.

To be honest, before I started the session I am very scared because I don't know what I will go through. But throughout the session, it makes me a little comfortable talking about myself. I try hard not to cry and compose myself to talk more rather than be emotional because it is a really short session. The most eye-opening things the therapist said to me goes something like this: 

"It is normal for you to feel this way, It is a reaction of what you have been going through for all these years" 

It is not an exact word but, you get me right? It is totally okay to feel that way. It is your body responding to all things that I have been going through. To put on some context, I am really vocal about mental health and I love to read about mental health. I believe by understanding mental health I can be better and just not fall into depression and so on. I told myself before I am not "sick" I am not "depressed" because I see them as a negative thing. I am wrong. It is okay, it is the response of all traumatic thing happened to me. I am not overreacting, I am not faking it. I am truly struggling to put my life together. 

I know there is something wrong with me but I always convince myself it's just a phase and I am just stressed out. But, it is not just a phase. I've been going through those for almost my entire life. But it felt havier when I found my short freedom and then now I'm back trapping. All this realization is help from the therapist. 

My therapist also said to me that I have been suffering, conflicting for so long, it took so much strength for someone to seek help. I'm being able to take the first step to improve my life is making me strong. I'd never thought I am strong because all this time I feel so helpless and weakness is the reason why I'm being this way. It feels amazing when she was able to put everything I felt into words conflict, regrets, and anger. It perfectly describe how I felt about myself. 

Although I was able to get input about myself, more issues are hanging inside me, the session is very short and it is not a therapy session. I have booked for my first session in July. I hope everything will get better from now on. 

I also have been making a lot of content on my Instagram feel free to visit it @SarahIsyah_

Thank you for reading and we shall meet again on the next entry! 

Castaways

Assalamualaikum and hi,  how are you guys doing? I hope everyone is being fine. I'm back with another entry.  I really don't know what topics to write and discuss with my readers but I just want to write. If you were here on my last entry, you probably know what I've been going through. It is not pretty at all. I am still not able to be myself.

 Do you guys know the TikTok viral sound castaways? It goes something like "Castaways, we are castaways, ahoy there, ahoy. We are castaways". Well, I don't know why but why do I feel sad listening to this song? Maybe because of the meaning of "Castaways". Castaways means a person who has been shipwrecked and stranded in an isolated place. If I would describe my life right now it is castaways.

My life is the ship and I am stranded in an isolated place. I feel like I am alone fighting against myself. Few of my friends reach out to me, asking me if I am okay and they let me know that they are available if I need someone to talk to. I appreciate their thoughts but I just don't want to burden them with my problems and sometimes I feel like, they will not understand me if I told them. I feel like they are going to judge me for being this way. I truly believe they will not understand me and one day they'll get annoyed because I'm behaving like this. I know they'll get sad if they know this is exactly how I feel but I am sorry. I can't help but think this way every time. 

The next lyrics go like "We're stuck where we are with no houses, no car, castaways, ahoy, we are castaways". I'm stuck here, no place I can feel like being at home, no cars to get me out of here. I am stranded. I understand that this is just a child song but I don't know I feel like it's a metaphor for my life. Well, who knows child song can be so depressive.  

I get really sensitive nowadays, I can't handle small talks without getting annoyed. I get annoyed at everything, and I'm scared people will push me away because I just can't... Sometimes, I got excited over something and in the mid of it, my feeling just dies. It's sad, very sad.

I am sorry for posting another depressive entry. I really wish to share more fun stories with you guys, but apparently, nothing is exciting going on. However, I would like to thanks anyone who read my entry and supporting me, leaving a very nice message. I am working on improving myself. I've reached out using a proper platform. I'll be going to have my first mental health screening this Friday. Please pray for the best and InsyaAllah everything will be alright. 

Since I'll be going to therapy sessions soon, it will cost me some money, if you want to support me please support my small business at Shopee.  Thank you for reading,  see you guys on the next entry.

The life changing phase

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you doing? Salam Ramadhan and Salam Syawal. It's literally a few days left until 1st Syawal. I hope everyone has a fulfilling Ramadhan and makes the best out of it. I honestly don't know if any of my readers are still here or new people stumble upon my blog. I'm not really sure. 

It's been a while since my last regular update on this blog. Well, I've been busy. If you keep up with my blog you must already know what has been happening around me. But If you don't, that's totally cool and fine. I'm SarahIsyah nice to meet you!

In my previous entry, I talked about how I feel like times go so fast and yes, it is still going fast. I have no space to breathe. Honestly. I'm just too tired. But I don't know what exactly I'm tired of. Maybe just everything. This entry will probably be the same rant entry about me being somewhat ungrateful or emotionally unstable. 

From the earlier stage of this blog, I've been promoted self-love or about my own journey in discovering self-love. To be frank, I thought I was there. I thought I reached it. But I was wrong. If I already love myself, why do I have to discover them? I was totally wrong. I keep posting those stuff to convince myself that I am fine! I am loved! I'm accepting who I am. But at this moment, I'm just confused and really tired of myself. I don't know if this is just a phase or I am emotionally unstable. 

A lot of things are happening, I am 23 years old facing major life-changing experiences from young adult/ student to full flash adult with responsibilities toward a lot of parties including myself. I feel so hopeless. I try my best to keep it positive, I try my best to be a better person but everything seems wrong. I feel like I am stuck in the past and I feel like I left something really important in my past and now I just can't move forward. I don't know what it is, it may be my dream, my purpose, my will, or just the fear of growing up. It's just too much for me. 

When I look back in my life, why do dark memories keep appearing? Even when I read back my past entries, those feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger were inside me. Lately, these feelings just get overwhelmed. I have really bad mood swings, I'm just confused about everything and I feel so tired. 

I realize maybe this is the time to get some help. But, I keep procrastinating. I feel like it is so hard for me to reach out for help from professionals. I was so lost on how I should seek proper help. When I finally got a clue, it feels impossible. Going to a government hospital going to take time and I am working, with this peak period I don't think I can find an excuse to be on leave. If I am going to a private institution, it's just hopeless, I didn't have enough money to spend on it. It's going to take time for me to save up. Maybe this was just another excuse for me not getting any help.  I am not diagnosing myself with any mental illness but I feel it.  Something is wrong with me. 

You know, it is sad when you try to reach out to the closest person you have and they just don't give a damn. For them, it was just me seeking attention. "Stop being sad" "smile more""do you have to act up this way" I wish I can smile, I wish I am happy, I wish I am acting like a proper human.  Maybe it was all for attention. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful person. I can't help but burst into tears most of the days. I can't help but think I am a failure. I just can't be enough to my family and friends. 

Dear reader, I am so sorry for posting this negative energy. But I just don't know where should I tell this feeling. I just want to let it out a little bit. I am so sorry. I hope to see you guys on next entry with better update. Have a good day ahead.

It's already March....?

Assalamualaikum and hi! It's been a while since the last update. If you are regular here, you probably know I was going through an internship. I made it guys, I finished my six months internship in February. To be honest, I have a lot going on throughout those six months.

I've been thinking a lot about my future. I constantly think about it. In my life, I never make any "major" decision. It's always been influenced or someone else will decide for me. I don't know if it is for the better or not. I will be graduated with Degree in Accounting and honestly, I don't think accounting is the right path for me. Before I finished my internship, I applied for a lot of jobs in the hope I will be able to work really soon after finishing my intern. I was determined to not cross paths with accounting anymore. But, "I never make any major decision" keeps happening. I was offered to continue working in the firm after finishing my internship on a contract basis. I have no say, to be the good and perfect daughter, I accepted it. I keep convincing myself, maybe it's for the best. Is it? I barely survive my degree, I don't know if I can keep it to the entire life. It's been 4 days since I started working, I think I can make it through. 

I was really preoccupied with thinking about myself, about who I want to be. I didn't realize, it is already March. Nothing really special with March but I feel like I was running without a destination this whole time. I am happy to be working because I can afford my own food but I feel like I want to pause for a while. I feel like my life has always been rushing from a place to another and there's no specific destination. It's lonely too.

However, I have an interest that helps me to compose myself and makes me at ease. It's not drugs for sure hahaha. I do makeup every weekend just to ensure I still have an interest and basically making myself sane. Yeah, visit my Ig at sarahisyah_ to support (shameless plug). Writing is still one of my favorite thing to do! I may not be writing on the blog, but I still write somewhere. 

I'm sorry for another short depressing post. I hope to make the fun entry soon! Anyway, how was your 2021 so far? I hope each of you is doing better.  I'm glad I can still write and communicate with you guys. Thank you for the support for all this time. See you in the next entry!

Is it okay to feel this way?

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone! It's already 5 days into 2021, I actually want to do like 2020 appreciation post but I ended up not doing it and I just want to write about something else. Anyway, how are you guys? I hope each of you is doing good. I've been better these days.

2020 has thought me a lot of things especially with all this self-love discovery. (Oh, if you are new here be sure to check my other entry to keep up with my journey a little bit.) One thing that I discover in 2020 that changed my perspective about humans or feelings is that the validity of feelings. 

I know a lot of people that are struggling with themselves and often questioned their feelings, including me. Sometimes we just keep asking and telling ourselves "why am I feeling this way?", "I should not feel this way", "Is this feeling normal?", I should stop feeling this way".  I always have this kind of thought whenever I have this weird, overwhelmed kind of feeling which I can't really explain. But I hope you get it. 

I learned that whatever you are feeling is true and it is okay to feel that way. Your feeling is valid. We've been through so much in our lives and we can't just expect it to be all happy and good. It's okay to feel sad, angry, excited, irritated, or every single emotion that exists. But sometimes, people around us just don't understand and making us confused. They even compared themselves who had it worst or better. For example, Alle telling Belle she should not feel sad and hurt because she falls from the chair while Alle falls from the stairs, and it hurts Alle more. Does this mean Belle's feeling is invalid and Belle should not feel hurt or sad because Alle had it worst than her? No, she is entitled to her own feeling and life is not about competition. 

Yes, we should be grateful for everything that we had and some people had it worst than us. But don't make "bersyukur" as a concept to invalidate your feeling. Make it a concept to change and improve yourself. Understand your feeling at the moment then look around you and then remind yourself what you are grateful for today. It goes something like "I am sad today because everything isn't going my way but I got to eat my favorite food and I got to meet my friends". This so hard to explain in words. But when I realized this, It just gets better. You need to admit that you are feeling something, tell yourself it's okay to feel that way, and then look towards the solutions to avoid the same overwhelming feeling in the future.

Saying this is easier than to be done. As a person who deals with herself, I used to blame myself or telling myself I shouldn't feel this or that way and as a person who is standing by as friends or strangers, I used to talk about how people should feel. I was immature and probably know nothing better. I feel bad about it.

I think this is the best thing that I learn last year. Although it seems good, I can still be wrong but learning about the validity of feelings does make me feel a little better. Friends, I still have a long way to go but I do really wish I can be a small help to any of you out there. 

Does this entry make sense? I feel like it is such a weird way to write this all up but I just really want to share about this. If you have any other opinions about this topic, feel free to drop comments! See you guys in the next entry.