Safe space 04: Feeling stuck

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you guys doing? I hope everything went well. If it's not, it will get better. Today I will share a lesson I learn in my self-discovery, self-love journey. Feel free to read and add your thoughts in the comment section.

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, therapist, counsellor, or psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and is a discussion topic. 

I noticed that when we were hurt, traumatized or in a depressed state, we usually have these thoughts of I could have done better before. For example, "What if I was stronger?" "what if they didn't treat me badly" "What if I did this and not that". I think it is very normal for a lot of people who are struggling. Sometimes, it gets so bad that we will have all sorts of negative emotions like hatred, hopelessness and etc. 

We feel like we are stuck at that point in our life where we think we could have done it better. I was like that, I wish 15 years old me is strong enough, I hope she knows better and fights for herself. I was 22 and was stuck at 15 years old memory. I cannot see the future and I am hurting at the present. What makes it worst, things that happened in past are also happening in present. It felt like you are stuck in a dark room and you cannot move. Honestly, I keep blaming my younger self because I feel like if she do it differently I will not be suffering in my 20s. But never once I thought, my current self are the one who need to save my past, present and future self. Never, because I was so scared of taking the first step. 

I was scared, if I take the first step will it get better? what if it gets worse? and sometimes it felt like it is better to just stay in that state of hopelessness. I am scared if I get better will I forget all the pain my younger self go through? Do I deserve to get better? Do I deserve happiness? Is freedom really for me? Lots of questions and it sounds like it doesn't make any sense but it is how I felt. It is a very big emotion, unexplainable. The things I experienced are very normal. I was hurting, it is a natural reaction. You won't have all of these thoughts if you are fine and healthy. 

My therapist told me, it was in the past, we can't undo things. I need to start thinking about how I want things to be different. Start with small changes. I was hurting because of some people and to change them is impossible. But I can put on boundaries, my therapist keeps reminding me even if the boundaries are very thin, put them on. I just need to focus on small little stuff at the moment and be present. You can't change your past but you can change your present and future. Whatever happened last time is not entirely bad, there are some good things that make us who we are. 

That was my story, it may not entirely fit you but the key takeaways are you can't change your past and stay in present. Honestly, it was not easy, it is a hard process to know what differences I want and consciously remind myself to stay in present. You need to spend some time alone and start putting in your book and working on it. When it gets really hard it's okay to take it slow but never give up. Trust me, every effort counts. 

I think it is okay and normal to feel stuck, but it is not okay when you know and aware that you are stuck and you choose to ignore it. Don't you want your inner child to feel safe? it is really okay to take the first step. It is okay to take it veeerryy slow, progress is still a progress. It's better than nothing. There are hopes and light awaiting you. You just need to take the first step.

I guess that is all for this entry, please share your thoughts on how to manage yourself when you are stuck or just anything you feel is important for people to know. Thank you for reading, see you in the next entry!!!

The 2023 Life Update

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. This is the most extended break I took from blogging or writing. There is a lot of unfinished draft and it's probably just gonna stay as drafts. So, this entry going to be my first 2023 update and let's catch up.

I kind of scroll back my blog and I realized I was in so much pain last year. I would like to thank everyone who has been here throughout my journey. Uh, writing kind of feels awkward now haha. Anyway, I'm doing a lot better than last year. I feel like I'm more mature and really in the acceptance stage.

Early this year, I received a job offer and since then I've been working in the new place. Honestly, I was struggling a lot. My anxiety was high, I keep overthinking, and impostor syndrome really hits me. Although I feel like I'm doing better mentally, I am still struggling to just be at my best. Every day does feel like I'm going into a new battle. But again, my mental state was in a better place so I try to embrace every single day with positivity. Sometimes it does feel like I'm just distracting myself but it does feel better.

I have stopped going to therapy and honestly every month I wish I go to therapy but when I'm at the scheduling part I just left it there until next month and repeat the same thing. It stuck on scheduling and payment. I don't know, since I change therapists, therapy just doesn't feel the same. I miss my therapist hahaha. Anyway, I'm proud of myself for not depending on a therapist anymore. I am able to navigate my emotions and cope well. Also, I might find something to be addicted to so I just feel better :) (don't worry the addiction is not drugs hahaha)

A lot of things have happened since the last update. I know finding a boyfriend or a future husband has been my goal for idk how long, I kept mentioning it in past blog posts as well. Guess what, it's now 2023 and I am still single *smiles with a peace sign. I'm not complaining but I am, why is it so hard to find someone? I gave up on all the dating apps cause it's not getting anywhere. Sis is tired, like at this point I don't care anymore but actually I still care but don't.... do you understand me??

Anyway, I kind of noticed a few of my friends are going through hard times and some of them do be reminding me of my past self. I feel a bit disappointed because I know the pain and I feel like I can help them but they are not fond of the help. I got sad every time it happened but I have to remind myself that my friend's mental health is not my responsibility. I can offer everything but if the person doesn't want to take the first steps, there is no point in helping. I have this entire blog writing and opening up in hopes people who read this will at least relate and start seeking help and it does, I used to receive dms people thanking me for opening up and making them feel less lonely. But if none of my friends are willing to take my stories, it's okay. There is more to life.

I guess this is all I want to update you guys. I really hope I start writing and sharing again even though I feel like the blog is becoming less relevant. It's just a safe space you know. So, share with me your life update, how are you guys doing? Do you guys get partners now? hahaha. See ya in the next post!