Suicidal?

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. I hope each of us is doing better. In today's entry, I would like to discuss something heavier and I really hope whoever comes across this entry, would spend their time and understand the message that I try to convey.

Trigger warning: Suicide

Disclaimer! I am not a therapist, psychiatrist, or any professionals in mental health-related. I'm making this entry on my own POV of suicidal thoughts or suicide in general. 

28th June 2021, I read a lot about suicide on Twitter. 2 people take their own life because of life pressure due the current condition of our own country. It's all over the news. I really hope no one shared the pictures because a suicide image is very dangerous. After all, it can lead to copycat suicide. I really hope people take this seriously. 

Most of the time, we never understand why someone wants to end their life. A lot of sane people, do not understand and some people take extra length to judge and mock the person. It's not about suicide but mental health in general. 

People attempt or wanting to take their own life because they have been suffering. They are sick. They want the pain to end. They are not in their right mind to distinguish which is right and which is wrong. They are unable to do that. Their heads are clouded by their own thoughts. I am really sad when there is suicide news, people are quick to judge them, mocking them. I know and believe that suicide is the biggest sin.

But what people do not understand, they were fighting for their life till the very end. Every single day, they woke up and choose to be strong to go on with their life. No one, no one in the right mind wanted to commit suicide. Who are we to judge them? Why are we mocking them? Why don't we help them when they are still alive? 

When we know someone with suicidal thoughts, don't rub in their face that "it is the biggest sin" they know. Instead, help them. Educate yourself on mental health awareness, be the listener. Stop giving advice if we think we are incompetent to do so. Guide them, persuade them to go to therapy, hold their hands and ask them to see doctors. 

We as a society might have failed them. We never try to create a safe place for them to understand what they actually went through. Most of them felt helpless. Read this properly, there is a lot of option out there for people to get help. But for people who have been suffering to take the first step to seek help, they need a support system to feel comfortable. Educate ourselves, so whenever they reach out to us, we can help them put their thoughts together. We never knew one's life journey. Being mean to them was just not it. I have so much to say about how other people perceive mental issues. I guess I'll talk about it in another entry.

All I really want to say is that I want you to know you are not alone for people who have been suffering. And to other people, be more acceptable and open-minded, don't be so quick to judge but instead offers a hand. Learn from other "suicide" cases. Don't let it repeated. They just want their pain to end without proper help, suicide is the easiest way to escape for them. Be a functional society rather than running your mouth. Be nice to everyone. You might save one life just by being nice. 

I guess that's all for today's entry, It took a lot for me to address this topic. I really want to create a better place and help everyone that has been suffering. If you need someone to talk to,  please contact Befrienders or their suicide hotline at 03-76272929. 

Let's create a safer place for everyone. 

I feel valid for the first time

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, it seems like I have somewhat more positive entry today. I am very. happy to share with you guys my first-ever mental health screening session. If you are regular on my blog, you know how my past 2-3 posts are generating negative vibes. But for once, let's just be more positive.

I was having a really rough time, it is rough but the most painful thing is when I keep reminding myself that I should not be acting a certain way, people telling me that I'm just being ungrateful, and so on. Simpler words, invalidating my feelings. After hesitating for so long, I finally reach out to the professionals. My actual plan was to go to the hospital and get a diagnosis or maybe some anti-depressant. But it was so hard for me to go, with all this lockdown and my work schedule it just feels impossible at the moment. However, my other plan is to go to therapy. 

I decided to go to therapy since the time is more flexible. But, before I  went through a  lengthy therapy session I  decided to go for mental health screening first to actually understand myself a  little more. Bear in mind, mental health screening is not a diagnosing tool. I don't know why I feel like getting the diagnosis is more important than finding solutions to my problem. I feel like having the title is more important and rightfully to received therapy. But, no, it is not. Everyone can go to therapy.

So, what happened during mental health screening? Basically, it is a short session where they review your test result. Before you go through your screening you need to take the online test. It is a simple depression, anxiety, and stress test. Throughout this session, the therapist will ask questions on why you are seeking therapy and this session helps me to understand more about myself.

To be honest, before I started the session I am very scared because I don't know what I will go through. But throughout the session, it makes me a little comfortable talking about myself. I try hard not to cry and compose myself to talk more rather than be emotional because it is a really short session. The most eye-opening things the therapist said to me goes something like this: 

"It is normal for you to feel this way, It is a reaction of what you have been going through for all these years" 

It is not an exact word but, you get me right? It is totally okay to feel that way. It is your body responding to all things that I have been going through. To put on some context, I am really vocal about mental health and I love to read about mental health. I believe by understanding mental health I can be better and just not fall into depression and so on. I told myself before I am not "sick" I am not "depressed" because I see them as a negative thing. I am wrong. It is okay, it is the response of all traumatic thing happened to me. I am not overreacting, I am not faking it. I am truly struggling to put my life together. 

I know there is something wrong with me but I always convince myself it's just a phase and I am just stressed out. But, it is not just a phase. I've been going through those for almost my entire life. But it felt havier when I found my short freedom and then now I'm back trapping. All this realization is help from the therapist. 

My therapist also said to me that I have been suffering, conflicting for so long, it took so much strength for someone to seek help. I'm being able to take the first step to improve my life is making me strong. I'd never thought I am strong because all this time I feel so helpless and weakness is the reason why I'm being this way. It feels amazing when she was able to put everything I felt into words conflict, regrets, and anger. It perfectly describe how I felt about myself. 

Although I was able to get input about myself, more issues are hanging inside me, the session is very short and it is not a therapy session. I have booked for my first session in July. I hope everything will get better from now on. 

I also have been making a lot of content on my Instagram feel free to visit it @SarahIsyah_

Thank you for reading and we shall meet again on the next entry! 

Castaways

Assalamualaikum and hi,  how are you guys doing? I hope everyone is being fine. I'm back with another entry.  I really don't know what topics to write and discuss with my readers but I just want to write. If you were here on my last entry, you probably know what I've been going through. It is not pretty at all. I am still not able to be myself.

 Do you guys know the TikTok viral sound castaways? It goes something like "Castaways, we are castaways, ahoy there, ahoy. We are castaways". Well, I don't know why but why do I feel sad listening to this song? Maybe because of the meaning of "Castaways". Castaways means a person who has been shipwrecked and stranded in an isolated place. If I would describe my life right now it is castaways.

My life is the ship and I am stranded in an isolated place. I feel like I am alone fighting against myself. Few of my friends reach out to me, asking me if I am okay and they let me know that they are available if I need someone to talk to. I appreciate their thoughts but I just don't want to burden them with my problems and sometimes I feel like, they will not understand me if I told them. I feel like they are going to judge me for being this way. I truly believe they will not understand me and one day they'll get annoyed because I'm behaving like this. I know they'll get sad if they know this is exactly how I feel but I am sorry. I can't help but think this way every time. 

The next lyrics go like "We're stuck where we are with no houses, no car, castaways, ahoy, we are castaways". I'm stuck here, no place I can feel like being at home, no cars to get me out of here. I am stranded. I understand that this is just a child song but I don't know I feel like it's a metaphor for my life. Well, who knows child song can be so depressive.  

I get really sensitive nowadays, I can't handle small talks without getting annoyed. I get annoyed at everything, and I'm scared people will push me away because I just can't... Sometimes, I got excited over something and in the mid of it, my feeling just dies. It's sad, very sad.

I am sorry for posting another depressive entry. I really wish to share more fun stories with you guys, but apparently, nothing is exciting going on. However, I would like to thanks anyone who read my entry and supporting me, leaving a very nice message. I am working on improving myself. I've reached out using a proper platform. I'll be going to have my first mental health screening this Friday. Please pray for the best and InsyaAllah everything will be alright. 

Since I'll be going to therapy sessions soon, it will cost me some money, if you want to support me please support my small business at Shopee.  Thank you for reading,  see you guys on the next entry.