The life update: Heartbroken journey

Assalamualaikum and Hi everyone. How are you guys been doing? I hope everyone is well and healthy. I'm just going to update you about my life and "self-love" journey. I have a lot of draft poems but I don't feel like publishing them yet.

So, if you are my Instagram follower, you must have known I am going through heartbreaking stuff and have been sad about it. It's true. I have my first heartbreak from someone I don't even date. I wrote an entire paragraph to that person and publish it here last time but I decided to just remove it. 

This guy is probably my first love after my teenage years. The one that I dream of a future together. But I was just delusional. I admit that I am a hopeless romantic person, I did make an entire post about it last time. Still in this blog. 

I honestly fell for this person because he seems to be understanding about my mental health. He has been really supportive and sweet the entire time. He makes me feel like I want to put on makeup, wear cute clothes, be pretty and just slay. I never experience it in my entire life, so of course, I fell for him. I love him dearly. But again, I was a fool. I knew with my entire existence that we will never be something but I was desperate for his attention. I got really low and anxious all the time. I cried at every opportunity I had because I want him desperately. Then, things happened we slipped away and it just got really messy. Especially in my head. I was delusional, I was in denial. 

I really start to blame every single thing. I hate myself a lot because we didn't happen. I try to hate him. I self-sabotage. I start doing stupid things to cope. I didn't know it will mess me up real bad. I have been suicidal since I can remember but I never knew this one hurt more than my traumas. We used to text a lot, but when we stop out of the blue it is really a hell of a ride. It just did something to my self-esteem. It hurts more than my existing traumas. 

I try to text him on multiple occasions. I just feel like I need to talk to him, I feel the urge to just find an excuse and start texting him. But I'm glad I did not. He seems happy with his love life and I couldn't do anything about it. There is no way in this world that he could ever choose me. I try to accept this but my whole body rejected it. I went crazy for a few weeks. It is so funny how heartbreaks really mess up your head. I am about to go single for eternity. I reject every single man that came after him. 

Now, I am sane. I have moved on. I honestly just realise my self-worth. Begging for someone's attention is not okay. Nobody deserves to feel like an option or a doubt. It was never okay to lower your values just to be with someone. I feel like I will rather be alone than begging to be loved. Even if there is the slightest chance that he will love me back, I wouldn't want it again because I feel like I let him disrespect me once. 

This story is worth mentioning and looking upon because this is the starting point of something that is much more beautiful. A journey that makes me learn about my worth and learn how to detach from my attachment issues. I am now onto the next chapter. I am learning how to love properly and let someone into my life again. 

He was once the standards but now someone else came crashing those standards. I am doing well, I learn to accept myself and someone else is taking care of me well. I still do hope that we are still friends but I feel like it's impossible. I am truly happy that he is doing well and just enjoying his life. I wish nothing but the best for him but I would still punch him if we ever cross paths in future. 

Yeah, who knows a stranger could actually gave a huge impact on my life. It's okay, the new chapter has begun. Look forward to my updates and see you soon on the next entry. Byeee <3

This entry is supposed to be in 1st Jan 2022

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you guys been doing? I hope everyone is doing really good and have a great day ahead. It is almost at the end of January 2022. I've been putting on my schedule to draft/write an entry since day 1 but I keep procrastinating

2021, was an eventful year for me. The biggest life transition happened to me. I also make a very huge step by seeking help from professionals regarding my mental health. I lost hope most of the time but it allow me to fight to survive. I bet you could see from my previous entry. I would say 2021 is the year I am discovering myself. I have 10 new hobbies, 1000 break down, 100 joyful moments, 100 rejections and the list goes on and on. 

All I could say is I ended my 2021, with a lot of values and knowledge to bring into 2022.

I would like to fast forward to January 2022. I started my year with a new dream and I never felt this good in my life, I started a new job, changed my wardrobe, exercising, just thinking I could thrive this year. But, yea who am I kidding? I am still struggling to control my emotion, controlling my thoughts and my depressive episodes are hitting me here and there. Sadly, I stop seeing my therapist for 2 months due to a clash of schedules but starting next week I'm seeing a new therapist. I hope everything went well.

As my first 2022, a mental obstacle that I feel like ruining my mental health is I lost interest in everything I use to have fun doing it. I stop doing makeup, I stop drawing, I get less interested in food, I lost my interest in writing. It takes me a lot to write this entry, It feels so dreading. That's why I keep procrastinating on my new year entry.

Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting, I feel like I keep telling people how much I'm struggling. Which I definitely don't have to. I felt sorry but I don't at the same time. I don't know where is my thought process brings me. 

I think this is going to be a short entry because I don't know what else to say. Usually, I will go into detail about what I learned and achieved last year. But not this time I guess. To conclude, 2021 was the year that I feel really close to giving up but at the same time, it gave me a lot of reason to keep on fighting.

How was your 2021? Is the first month of 2022 getting better? Share with me and see you on the next entry!

Hopeless Romantic

Assalamualaikum and hi, everyone. It's been a while since I wrote something other than 'poems'. It is less than 5 days left for 2021 to end. I feel like I wanted to do 2021 Wrapped up, but I feel like sharing other topics. Save it for later I guess.

This year I learn so many things, but I'm keeping that information for my next entry. This entry going to focus on one of the biggest themes in my life which are My romantic life. Be prepared to get cringe. I've warned you. 

I'm 23 this year and I feel like it is an ideal age to get to know and meet someone. I think it is normal considering a lot of my friends are moving into the next stage. I just want to pass the talking stage I didn't ask for much hahaha. Look, I know more people are older than me and still single. Nothing is wrong with being single. Being single is amazing but sometimes I just can't help.

When I'm struggling with my mental health, I was hoping that I won't get married. I am scared and terrified of the idea of spending time with someone for my whole life. Not just marriage, I am genuinely scared of having a relationship with someone. I talked to my therapist about the relationship for two whole sessions because of how terrifying it is to me. 

Putting my mental health aside, I think another reason why it is so hard for me to be in a relationship is that I am a hopeless romantic. I have this fairy-tale imagination of what love is and I have a pretty high standard on how relationships should be working. My biggest belief is to be in relationship men should be making first steps. So, I've been waiting this whole time and yea still waiting. Until recently, I gather my courage and start talking to people and nothing working out yet.  

Considering, I am still scared of meeting new people I think I did a pretty good job. But sometimes, meeting new people is tiring and it can be so triggering. I feel like I just want to stop looking. But in the mid of 'searching', I met someone who change my perspective on having a 'partner'. We might not be together but he teaches me something valuable. There is going to be someone out there who can understand and can tolerate you if they want to. He might not know this but he helps me a lot on my healing journey. Now, again, I'm setting myself up for hopeless romantic. 

In all the jokes and seriousness for looking partner, the biggest hurdle is myself. I am struggling with my mental health. Most of the time I feel like I'm unlovable, I'm a boring person, I'm going to burden people and most importantly I feel like I'm going to hurt someone I love and care about. Also, since I'm a hopeless romantic, it is easy for me to get carried away with romantic feelings, which could be bad. 

I know I should not rush things up. I am still young. There is a lot more I can achieve other than being in a relationship. I've spent a lot of time being single, nothing is wrong to keep being single. One day, I'll read this entry and laugh over it. 

To other single people out there, it's okay to be sad for not having a partner but it is also okay to be single. Keep your standard high so you don't settle down for less. 

I think that's all for this entry. I hope you got something through my story and share with me your thought on having a partner (if you are single). See you in the next entry. Bye <3

Checking In

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, how are you guys been doing? I think I'm really turning this blog into a mental health awareness or some sort of sharing my personal stories. I haven't updated since July. Oh wow, kind of a rare occasion because I usually post an entry when it's my birthday but I guess not this year. But it's just 2 weeks passed, still not late for birthday wishes. I'm kidding. 

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, a therapist, counselor nor psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and meant to be a discussion topic. 

I am not really sure what I'm going to share for this entry,  so it's just going to be a bit of a mess of random things I'm going to share. But rest assured, it would be focusing on mental well-being. I will let my fingers and heart tell you guys what I want to tell. If you are not familiar with my blog, I do share a lot about mental health and my journey in discovering self-love. I also write some poems, I have poems drafted for I don't know how long.

As I shared in the previous entry, I've been seeking help from professionals, I went to therapy. It's been a few sessions already. My initial plan was to share what I learned in each session but things happened. I've been struggling with self-motivation a lot lately. I feel like I have no will to live for another day. There was nothing exciting for me to keep going. I'm not gonna lie, some fun things did happen for the past few months but it just feels like... I don't know how to explain it. The only thing that I look forward to was my therapy session. I know a lot of people who dislike therapy, but for me, I enjoyed it. Having someone to talk with makes me feel better. 

I also went to a peer support group. It has been 3 sessions so far and honestly I don't know how I feel about it. It was an eye-opening experience where you can learn and understand what people's been going through, you learn more about taking care of your mental well-being. However, sometimes I finished the session feeling so empty. The support group's main concern was anxiety and when they teach about improving I always feel lost. It's not I dislike it but It gave me too many emotions where I cannot register it properly. I'm still grateful for joining because I learn a lot about how to manage my anxiety. I also feel like my anxiousness is intensified for the past few weeks, so it does help me. 

Okay, let's stop talking about me. Have you ever see your friends and you know too well that they are struggling to put on their life together because of their mental well-being? I do. They show a very strong sign. I reached them and asked them, I offers some help to the extent of paying for their check-up. But, they never wanted it. Most of the time they ignored me or change the topic real quick. I know it was not my problem but I feel really sad when it happened to someone I care about. All I can do now is checking in with them. Asking about what they are doing and so on just to let them know that they are not lonely. But still, when I am struggling lots of people lending their shoulders but I still feel lonely. I might not be enough to help them. But it's okay you have tried your best to convince them. It's up to them to make a change. (me trying to convince myself it is okay)

I  think that's it for this entry.  I feel so exhausted. I wish to share more but I am at my limit if I push myself any further this post might end up in the draft and I won't be updating for another month. Thank you to everyone that has been visiting my blogs, reading my entries. I really appreciate it and somehow feel a little undeserved. The blog view is increasing and I'm glad that my stories are helping people out there that you were not alone.

You are not alone! what you feel are totally valid and thank you for staying alive. You are so strong to keep fighting to live another day. Because of that our path crossed in this blog. 

Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section. I'll reply to your comment but I don't know when sooner or later I'll be replying! See you in the next entry!

Suicidal?

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. I hope each of us is doing better. In today's entry, I would like to discuss something heavier and I really hope whoever comes across this entry, would spend their time and understand the message that I try to convey.

Trigger warning: Suicide

Disclaimer! I am not a therapist, psychiatrist, or any professionals in mental health-related. I'm making this entry on my own POV of suicidal thoughts or suicide in general. 

28th June 2021, I read a lot about suicide on Twitter. 2 people take their own life because of life pressure due the current condition of our own country. It's all over the news. I really hope no one shared the pictures because a suicide image is very dangerous. After all, it can lead to copycat suicide. I really hope people take this seriously. 

Most of the time, we never understand why someone wants to end their life. A lot of sane people, do not understand and some people take extra length to judge and mock the person. It's not about suicide but mental health in general. 

People attempt or wanting to take their own life because they have been suffering. They are sick. They want the pain to end. They are not in their right mind to distinguish which is right and which is wrong. They are unable to do that. Their heads are clouded by their own thoughts. I am really sad when there is suicide news, people are quick to judge them, mocking them. I know and believe that suicide is the biggest sin.

But what people do not understand, they were fighting for their life till the very end. Every single day, they woke up and choose to be strong to go on with their life. No one, no one in the right mind wanted to commit suicide. Who are we to judge them? Why are we mocking them? Why don't we help them when they are still alive? 

When we know someone with suicidal thoughts, don't rub in their face that "it is the biggest sin" they know. Instead, help them. Educate yourself on mental health awareness, be the listener. Stop giving advice if we think we are incompetent to do so. Guide them, persuade them to go to therapy, hold their hands and ask them to see doctors. 

We as a society might have failed them. We never try to create a safe place for them to understand what they actually went through. Most of them felt helpless. Read this properly, there is a lot of option out there for people to get help. But for people who have been suffering to take the first step to seek help, they need a support system to feel comfortable. Educate ourselves, so whenever they reach out to us, we can help them put their thoughts together. We never knew one's life journey. Being mean to them was just not it. I have so much to say about how other people perceive mental issues. I guess I'll talk about it in another entry.

All I really want to say is that I want you to know you are not alone for people who have been suffering. And to other people, be more acceptable and open-minded, don't be so quick to judge but instead offers a hand. Learn from other "suicide" cases. Don't let it repeated. They just want their pain to end without proper help, suicide is the easiest way to escape for them. Be a functional society rather than running your mouth. Be nice to everyone. You might save one life just by being nice. 

I guess that's all for today's entry, It took a lot for me to address this topic. I really want to create a better place and help everyone that has been suffering. If you need someone to talk to,  please contact Befrienders or their suicide hotline at 03-76272929. 

Let's create a safer place for everyone. 

I feel valid for the first time

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, it seems like I have somewhat more positive entry today. I am very. happy to share with you guys my first-ever mental health screening session. If you are regular on my blog, you know how my past 2-3 posts are generating negative vibes. But for once, let's just be more positive.

I was having a really rough time, it is rough but the most painful thing is when I keep reminding myself that I should not be acting a certain way, people telling me that I'm just being ungrateful, and so on. Simpler words, invalidating my feelings. After hesitating for so long, I finally reach out to the professionals. My actual plan was to go to the hospital and get a diagnosis or maybe some anti-depressant. But it was so hard for me to go, with all this lockdown and my work schedule it just feels impossible at the moment. However, my other plan is to go to therapy. 

I decided to go to therapy since the time is more flexible. But, before I  went through a  lengthy therapy session I  decided to go for mental health screening first to actually understand myself a  little more. Bear in mind, mental health screening is not a diagnosing tool. I don't know why I feel like getting the diagnosis is more important than finding solutions to my problem. I feel like having the title is more important and rightfully to received therapy. But, no, it is not. Everyone can go to therapy.

So, what happened during mental health screening? Basically, it is a short session where they review your test result. Before you go through your screening you need to take the online test. It is a simple depression, anxiety, and stress test. Throughout this session, the therapist will ask questions on why you are seeking therapy and this session helps me to understand more about myself.

To be honest, before I started the session I am very scared because I don't know what I will go through. But throughout the session, it makes me a little comfortable talking about myself. I try hard not to cry and compose myself to talk more rather than be emotional because it is a really short session. The most eye-opening things the therapist said to me goes something like this: 

"It is normal for you to feel this way, It is a reaction of what you have been going through for all these years" 

It is not an exact word but, you get me right? It is totally okay to feel that way. It is your body responding to all things that I have been going through. To put on some context, I am really vocal about mental health and I love to read about mental health. I believe by understanding mental health I can be better and just not fall into depression and so on. I told myself before I am not "sick" I am not "depressed" because I see them as a negative thing. I am wrong. It is okay, it is the response of all traumatic thing happened to me. I am not overreacting, I am not faking it. I am truly struggling to put my life together. 

I know there is something wrong with me but I always convince myself it's just a phase and I am just stressed out. But, it is not just a phase. I've been going through those for almost my entire life. But it felt havier when I found my short freedom and then now I'm back trapping. All this realization is help from the therapist. 

My therapist also said to me that I have been suffering, conflicting for so long, it took so much strength for someone to seek help. I'm being able to take the first step to improve my life is making me strong. I'd never thought I am strong because all this time I feel so helpless and weakness is the reason why I'm being this way. It feels amazing when she was able to put everything I felt into words conflict, regrets, and anger. It perfectly describe how I felt about myself. 

Although I was able to get input about myself, more issues are hanging inside me, the session is very short and it is not a therapy session. I have booked for my first session in July. I hope everything will get better from now on. 

I also have been making a lot of content on my Instagram feel free to visit it @SarahIsyah_

Thank you for reading and we shall meet again on the next entry! 

Castaways

Assalamualaikum and hi,  how are you guys doing? I hope everyone is being fine. I'm back with another entry.  I really don't know what topics to write and discuss with my readers but I just want to write. If you were here on my last entry, you probably know what I've been going through. It is not pretty at all. I am still not able to be myself.

 Do you guys know the TikTok viral sound castaways? It goes something like "Castaways, we are castaways, ahoy there, ahoy. We are castaways". Well, I don't know why but why do I feel sad listening to this song? Maybe because of the meaning of "Castaways". Castaways means a person who has been shipwrecked and stranded in an isolated place. If I would describe my life right now it is castaways.

My life is the ship and I am stranded in an isolated place. I feel like I am alone fighting against myself. Few of my friends reach out to me, asking me if I am okay and they let me know that they are available if I need someone to talk to. I appreciate their thoughts but I just don't want to burden them with my problems and sometimes I feel like, they will not understand me if I told them. I feel like they are going to judge me for being this way. I truly believe they will not understand me and one day they'll get annoyed because I'm behaving like this. I know they'll get sad if they know this is exactly how I feel but I am sorry. I can't help but think this way every time. 

The next lyrics go like "We're stuck where we are with no houses, no car, castaways, ahoy, we are castaways". I'm stuck here, no place I can feel like being at home, no cars to get me out of here. I am stranded. I understand that this is just a child song but I don't know I feel like it's a metaphor for my life. Well, who knows child song can be so depressive.  

I get really sensitive nowadays, I can't handle small talks without getting annoyed. I get annoyed at everything, and I'm scared people will push me away because I just can't... Sometimes, I got excited over something and in the mid of it, my feeling just dies. It's sad, very sad.

I am sorry for posting another depressive entry. I really wish to share more fun stories with you guys, but apparently, nothing is exciting going on. However, I would like to thanks anyone who read my entry and supporting me, leaving a very nice message. I am working on improving myself. I've reached out using a proper platform. I'll be going to have my first mental health screening this Friday. Please pray for the best and InsyaAllah everything will be alright. 

Since I'll be going to therapy sessions soon, it will cost me some money, if you want to support me please support my small business at Shopee.  Thank you for reading,  see you guys on the next entry.

It's already March....?

Assalamualaikum and hi! It's been a while since the last update. If you are regular here, you probably know I was going through an internship. I made it guys, I finished my six months internship in February. To be honest, I have a lot going on throughout those six months.

I've been thinking a lot about my future. I constantly think about it. In my life, I never make any "major" decision. It's always been influenced or someone else will decide for me. I don't know if it is for the better or not. I will be graduated with Degree in Accounting and honestly, I don't think accounting is the right path for me. Before I finished my internship, I applied for a lot of jobs in the hope I will be able to work really soon after finishing my intern. I was determined to not cross paths with accounting anymore. But, "I never make any major decision" keeps happening. I was offered to continue working in the firm after finishing my internship on a contract basis. I have no say, to be the good and perfect daughter, I accepted it. I keep convincing myself, maybe it's for the best. Is it? I barely survive my degree, I don't know if I can keep it to the entire life. It's been 4 days since I started working, I think I can make it through. 

I was really preoccupied with thinking about myself, about who I want to be. I didn't realize, it is already March. Nothing really special with March but I feel like I was running without a destination this whole time. I am happy to be working because I can afford my own food but I feel like I want to pause for a while. I feel like my life has always been rushing from a place to another and there's no specific destination. It's lonely too.

However, I have an interest that helps me to compose myself and makes me at ease. It's not drugs for sure hahaha. I do makeup every weekend just to ensure I still have an interest and basically making myself sane. Yeah, visit my Ig at sarahisyah_ to support (shameless plug). Writing is still one of my favorite thing to do! I may not be writing on the blog, but I still write somewhere. 

I'm sorry for another short depressing post. I hope to make the fun entry soon! Anyway, how was your 2021 so far? I hope each of you is doing better.  I'm glad I can still write and communicate with you guys. Thank you for the support for all this time. See you in the next entry!

Is it okay to feel this way?

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone! It's already 5 days into 2021, I actually want to do like 2020 appreciation post but I ended up not doing it and I just want to write about something else. Anyway, how are you guys? I hope each of you is doing good. I've been better these days.

2020 has thought me a lot of things especially with all this self-love discovery. (Oh, if you are new here be sure to check my other entry to keep up with my journey a little bit.) One thing that I discover in 2020 that changed my perspective about humans or feelings is that the validity of feelings. 

I know a lot of people that are struggling with themselves and often questioned their feelings, including me. Sometimes we just keep asking and telling ourselves "why am I feeling this way?", "I should not feel this way", "Is this feeling normal?", I should stop feeling this way".  I always have this kind of thought whenever I have this weird, overwhelmed kind of feeling which I can't really explain. But I hope you get it. 

I learned that whatever you are feeling is true and it is okay to feel that way. Your feeling is valid. We've been through so much in our lives and we can't just expect it to be all happy and good. It's okay to feel sad, angry, excited, irritated, or every single emotion that exists. But sometimes, people around us just don't understand and making us confused. They even compared themselves who had it worst or better. For example, Alle telling Belle she should not feel sad and hurt because she falls from the chair while Alle falls from the stairs, and it hurts Alle more. Does this mean Belle's feeling is invalid and Belle should not feel hurt or sad because Alle had it worst than her? No, she is entitled to her own feeling and life is not about competition. 

Yes, we should be grateful for everything that we had and some people had it worst than us. But don't make "bersyukur" as a concept to invalidate your feeling. Make it a concept to change and improve yourself. Understand your feeling at the moment then look around you and then remind yourself what you are grateful for today. It goes something like "I am sad today because everything isn't going my way but I got to eat my favorite food and I got to meet my friends". This so hard to explain in words. But when I realized this, It just gets better. You need to admit that you are feeling something, tell yourself it's okay to feel that way, and then look towards the solutions to avoid the same overwhelming feeling in the future.

Saying this is easier than to be done. As a person who deals with herself, I used to blame myself or telling myself I shouldn't feel this or that way and as a person who is standing by as friends or strangers, I used to talk about how people should feel. I was immature and probably know nothing better. I feel bad about it.

I think this is the best thing that I learn last year. Although it seems good, I can still be wrong but learning about the validity of feelings does make me feel a little better. Friends, I still have a long way to go but I do really wish I can be a small help to any of you out there. 

Does this entry make sense? I feel like it is such a weird way to write this all up but I just really want to share about this. If you have any other opinions about this topic, feel free to drop comments! See you guys in the next entry.

What keeps you going?

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. I've been wanted to write something a few times and every time it just failed. If you saw this entry please, say congratulations to me hahaha.

"What keeps you going?' I received this question on my Instagram's story from one of my best friends. It takes me a while to answer this and to put my words together. I did answer her on my stories but I think I have a lot more to say on this topic. If you are new to my blog or just didn't keep up with my life journey, I just want to let you guys know that I'm struggling with my life and I'm on a journey in discovering  "self-love". Being sentimental, emotional, and a weird type of person. I just can't stop but thinking about this question so hard!

I am nobody, I have no great achievement, I don't know why my friend ask me that because honestly, she has more great achievement than me. But I know that she always respects me for able to keep doing what I like. This is my answer for anyone out there who may need this. 

The biggest reason for what keeps me going in whatever I did until now is that I believe wholeheartedly that every single human being in this world has their own pace, own destiny, and their own journey. Some of us may have the same destination but we may have detoured from the normal route. A lot of times, I feel very insecure when someone of my age or younger is very successful and I almost give up frequently. But, if I give up, will anything change? Will the person who I feel insecure about suddenly became unsuccessful?  We are all labeled as "humans" but little did we know, each of us is unique and capable of amazing things in our own way. Keep moving, if you are tired, take a break. 

I don't know how I'd look like at the finish line, I want to know
But for now I run on the road ahead of me, I'll decide later
Until then, I'm not looking at others
Don't forget my speed, my lane, my pace - Stray Kids, My Pace

Next, positivity. Lame. I know. It is so hard for us to look on the positive side when things didn't go our way or we are just tired of our own life. I agree. But somehow, I always force myself to believe that everything happened for reasons and I should be grateful that the problem that I have could be worst. This cannot be applied to everyone out there because our capabilities to cope with problems are different. However, I'm just going to put it out there that positivity does help us in a hard time. It will in the slightest way possible, it will help. I always think that people who are successful in their life have the light of positivity in their life. No reasons for us to stop searching for positivity.

This is another crucial point for me. Be happy with every little thing. I realize that I should be happy with every little thing when I always found myself being sad for not able to find a boyfriend. I'm 22 years old, being single my whole life and my friends are having a boyfriend, getting engaged, and getting married. It might sound funny but that's the reality, the pressure to keep up with society. When I was able to find happiness in the smallest thing, it felt good and make me want to keep living. I am doing business, but till now I did not have a lot of customers but when I promote the products and people reply to it without even buying them. I feel happy and grateful. I feel like I can keep doing this! (If you want to buy Korean skincare hit me up @thesthatix_ on IG) Shameless plug.

This is kind of personal but another reason for me to keep going is that I try to stop putting hopes in other people. I feel like, in the end, it's only me in my journey. Asking for help and having someone else alongside is better than being alone. But sometimes, the scariest and the biggest fight that needs to be done is with your own self. I don't know if this makes sense to any of you but I hope you got what I mean. For example, I wanted to get out of my comfort zone but at the same time, I was hoping that someone will guide me. If those people who are meant to help you failed to meet your expectation, you'll feel sad, clueless, and pretty much feels like everything isn't going on your way. In simpler words, expect less. 

Lastly, don't be too hard on yourself. You had already go through so much in your life. Hug yourself and pat your own shoulder and tell yourself "You have done a good job, let's keep going". 

That's all for this entry, share with me what are the reasons for you to keep going in whatever you do! See you in the next entry.

Friendship that i won't change for anything else.

Assalamualaikum and hi! how are you guys doing? I actually have a list on what to write but somehow this one cannot wait. My heart just screaming to write on this one. So, despite having a final exam I make a time to write this. I believe this is such a beautiful story that I want to share with you guys. I am a person who values every relationship that I ever had. If it's bad, it's just gonna be a bad story but if it's beautiful, I'll keep it in my heart. 

I have a group of friends. There are five of us Sabby, Jah, Ani, Rizka, and me. I met them back in 2016 when I started my university life. To be honest, I don't really have the expectation of having really close friends. I kind of having a hard time in "friendship" back in high school. Well, of course, I have a few close friends from high school. But, staying in university, far from home I am really close to this group. I always keep my friends pool small and I prefer to talk to someone I'm comfortable with. At least that's how I feel at this moment.

Sabby and Rizka is my housemate so we are really close. I remember eating together during orientation despite being in different groups. We pretty much go everywhere together. Jah and Aini came in because we were in the same class. I cannot forget Aini's first WhatsApp. Jah, Ani, and I were in the same class for almost every subject during the foundation. We surely laugh a lot during classes. Then, all of us hang out together every single day. At first, I don't think our friendship will last long because the way I talked might make some people uncomfortable. "orang utagha cakap kasaq" I know I hurt them few times because the way I talk.

To write every memorable story will take forever but in this entry, I just want to tell why I won't change my friendship with them with anything else. If I ever lost memory, I don't want to lost memory of my days with them. We were very close to the point if someone having the problem, we will know without them telling. We kind of read each other minds. I guess.

They were with me since the beginning until now. I experience all the things I wanted to feel with them. We laugh, we cried, we fight, we stop talking all of sudden and start talking like usual the very next day, we forgive each other, we support each other. I'm not sure about them but this is how I really feel about them. They probably won't know but when I was at my lowest during that one semester, having the anxiety to go to the class. They were the biggest help I received at that moment. They were always there when I'm having the hardest time. I don't know if I ever repay them enough. 

All of them are smart students. During foundations, they are all deans list student every semester even in Degree, they did way better than I did and I was the only one who is not that good academically. I thought they are going to abandon me because "smarts mingle with smarts". I went through that during my school days. But I was wrong, they will always be there to help me. They'll come to me and said: "Sarah kalau tak faham tanya je la aku tau!" (sis getting emotional writing this). Those words mean a lot to me. They are surely one of the reasons for me to keep going. They know the best and the bad things about me. But they still accept me. With them, I can pretty much be myself. 

They did a lot of amazing things to me. They even help me search for a boyfriend but being me I'm still single. Hahaha. We can share pretty much everything together. If one of us had a crush on someone and didn't tell everyone in the group, we will interrogate until each of us get the answer. It looks like a "busy body" but no that's what we do. 

Friends are the ones who accept you at your lowest point and be happy with you at your highest point. They really had a special place in my heart. I'm making this entry because this June till September is supposed to be our last moment together in University. But, because of Covid-19, no physical classes will be conducted. We were all separated. I am in Penang, Sabby in Johor, Jah and Ani in Selangor, Rizka in KL. I don't know when we will reunite but one thing for sure, things won't be the same anymore. We will not be able to go to class together, waking up looking at each other faces, staying up in the libraries, fight over who to make decisions on where to eat. 

This blog had been a place where I wrote how I feel at the moment and to read back in the future to appreciate things. If this blog exists without our story, it won't be completed. I really hope that we can keep our friendship forever and each of us grows up individually into an amazing person. 

A little message to my genduts, I am very proud of every single of you and I'm always right over the phone to listen to your story. If there is a possible chance, I will book my ticket to Johor and KL, to be with you if you need me. I believe that you guys are one of the greatest gifts Allah ever give to me. I won't say in front of you because it so cringes, lol! but maybe this blog will help to reach the message to you. 

Thank you for reading and till we meet in another post! Oh, wish me luck for my final exams. 

I did wild makeup looks!

Assalamualaikum and hi! First thing first, I would like to wish Salam Aidilfitri to all my readers. I hope you all had a wonderful Ramadhan. I have been quite busy with my assignments and exam in these past weeks. So, how are you?

If you guys don't know, I was really into makeup but now I kind of slow down a little bit. Because I believe that doing makeup is expensive and I AM BROKE! However, I'm dying to do some makeup and learn new stuff with makeup. 

I guess I'm pretty good with basic makeup look but this time is different! I want to try something different! something wild! something that I never did. and if you guys don't know, I do youtube videos. Guess what? I make makeup videos on youtube. 

This is the look, if you wonder how I did it or you want a better view, click here. I did this post because I want to promote my youtube channel. So if you happen to be interested please subscribe to my channel!

Thank you for reading this short post guys! I'll be back with another entry soon. This is just a shamelessly plug-in entry. hahaha. See you guys in next entry!

The RMO story

Assalamualaikum and hi~ Harini tiba2 rasa nak update entry dalam BM sebab rasa a little friendly because this entry will be a story type of entry. So entry ni Bahasa rojak lah ye. 

So ni dah hari ke berapa dah pkp pun dah tak tau dah lost count. Cerita ni jd before pkp and berlarutan smpai sekarang.. So kisah dia begini, few days before pkp rasanya 13th March kot, Sarah balik penang sebab my mum tak sihat and will be warded on 14th March. 

A day before nak balik penang tu I got 3 quizzes dri pagi smpai malam so tak sempat nak basuh baju and kemas sangat. I thought nak balik penang kejap je la kan about 3-4 days je, so it won't be bad lah kan x basuh baju. I left everything there. Literally almost everything yg sarah ada smua dkt sana. Memang balik penang bawak satu beg je ada laptop ada file and sikit2 brg skincare. 

Dari ingat nak balik sekejap je terpaksa extend stay dkt penang sebab mak x boleh keluar ward lagi. Ttba diumumkan pkp akan berkuatkuasa. First thing first bersyukur jugak sbb boleh stay dgn family lg dkt rumah and then things start to hit. Baju aku dah bertimbun x basuh, brg makeup, skincare semua tinggal sana, my textbook. I keep it positif lg "takpe dua minggu je" hahahaha. mimpi aja kamu ni sarah.

Sekarang ni aku dah half redho sbb baju aku bertimbun x basuh. tpi paling sakit week yg sebelum aku balik aku baru beli stock makanan.. aku beli susu, roti, tuna, biskut, chocolate.. semuanya habis ya msti dah busuk ya peti ais itu. tapi nak buat mcm mna kan.. redho.

Aku balik sehelai sepinggang.. and my wardrobe isn't like normal girl banyak baju.. Baju sarah ulang2 je memang skit je kat rumah mmng x de sgt baju elok.. baju tangan pendek je lah ada. Selamat tak payah keluar memana kan. So online class pun tgk la tudung yg sama haha outfit sama je everyday. Nak jawab midterm pun separuh mati sbb textbook tinggal dkt sana. Yang btul2 balik for pkp dorg sempat la grab the books.

The great thing about all this thing is that aku dah balik awal.. bayangkan aku x balik penang sbb mak aku sakit kan msti aku stranded in my college. sebab nak balik penang jauh and confirm bahaya sbb people start panicking and balik masa pkp announcement tu kan. 

I probably won't be back to my college until Jun. Maka!! baju baju yang terperap tu aku harap tak reput or berulat lah ye. I get anxious pikir pasal baju kt sana. Baju you made me worry.. I wanna meet you so bad. hahaha . Psl skincare aku ni aku dah giveup.. mmng tak pakai smua benda.. nak beli baru duit x de. nk pakai my mum punya x sesuai sbb i kulit sensitive.

But baju ke skincare ke semua tu x penting skrg ni, we are in pendamic. It is our job to protect ourselves and people around us.. so Stay Home people! We gonna win this fight.. See you in next entry.

COVID-19- Self-improvement space.

Assalamualaikum and hi! I'm back with another entry. Since we are still in RMO/MCO/PKP, I'm willing to write a little bit.

I bet staying at home is boring and you have nothing better to do other than sleeping and eating. I do that too. I've been sticking to my bed since forever hahaha. Locking down in my own room isn't a big problem for me because I'm someone who loves staying inside and spend my time with my laptop and phone. In simpler words, I'm in my actual habitat hahaha.

However, I believe this is the most proper and good time for each of us to improve ourselves. We can actually improve ourselves in a lot of areas. I personally trying to lose weight but jokes on me cause I keep end up on the bed watching anime.

Instead of doing nothing and feel bored, what you can do is do something you always want to do but you can't because of time restrictions. For example, you wanted to learn your second or third languages but you can't because you are busy. Now is the most appropriate time to do so, you have ample of time to waste and you can find a way to do so.

If you are still clueless about what you can do, here are a few things that I can suggest for you.

1. Learn a new language or improve your current language
2. Explore your cooking abilities
3. Baking
4. Learn how to play a musical instrument
5. Write poems
6. Improve your makeup skills
7. Indoor workout
8. Self-care (Meditation, beauty care)
9. Decorate your personal space
10. Learn how to draw
11. Practice singing
12. Learn how to dance
13. Do art

This is only applicable if you want to do something productive and fun during this MCO. If you are lazy and you are good at being lazy, not feeling boring. Then you are good! 

You can do a lot of things by staying at home. So please stay at home and let's flatten the curve. We still have a life to go back to and we need to stop COVID-19 as soon as possible. We are fighting this together! 

What are your favorite things to do while staying at home? Share it with me. See you in next post~ 

Life update.

Assalamualaikum and hi~ I'm back after a year. I've been so busy with my college and I've been so busy. Now I'm here in my bedroom locking my self for COVID-19. It's been a few weeks already but I don't really feel like blogging back.

edited image cr. to the owner from Pinterest.

Not really sure if anyone would read this but... How are you guys doing? Hope everything is fine. Lately, I've been into anime a lot so, I have no time to update my blog hahaha. I'm trying to cope up with my life. I stop writing for ZALORA for awhile because the payment has been stopped and I was busy even I have lot of time now I don't really feel motivated. Because I kind of stop doing beauty stuff and lifestyle. So I don't really have a lot of ideas to write to them. All these excuses hahaha. Again I drifted away from my dreams. I start losing hopes again. It is not because of the payment things, it's just... I don't know.

 I really don't know what to say on this post but I just want to greet my dear readers and friends who supported me all these times. Since the MCO is extending you guys can expect new post from me soon. See you in the next post! 

Flawsome | Self-love

Assalamualaikum and Hi, It's my semester break again. I've been trying to write but somehow I'm not feeling it. I have more articles to finish up but it feels so hard to do. So, please pray for me.

This entry probably will be similar to my "Why my life isn't perfect as other?". But I still have a lot of things to say on my "love yourself" series. We all have been going through a lot. Every day is a new journey. So, I'm here again to give you all and myself some support for us continuing our life.

Flawsome :an individual who embraces their flaws and know they are awesome regardless.

Every single of us has our own flaws, we sometimes work hard to throw our flaws away. Little did we know, flaws are still part of us. Without your flaws, you may not be yourself. We should accept our flaws. If only we love ourselves for whoever we are regardless of any weaknesses we have we are able to be happy and feel less insecure about ourselves. 

No one is perfect, stop being too hard on yourself. You deserve all the love even though you have flaws. Maybe other people won't give you all the love but you should love yourself. Begging for someone's love can't give us happiness but loving ourselves do give us happiness. Be grateful for being yourself, embrace your flaws and give self-love is one of the best things you can give to yourself. 

Stop hating, envying, jealousy, insecure and all those negative stuff and try to build a positive perception. You will able to be happy on the smallest thing ever. 

This is a short entry that I would like to share with you guys. I ain't perfect but I make this entry to remind myself and maybe this can help some of you guys out there. Embrace your flaws and you'll be Flawsome :) Have a good day.

BTS In Malaysia

*DISCLAIMER!*

This article is based on my opinions 

There is no hate message or anything mean to harm any individual.

Assalamualaikum and Hi. Before I get any further into my entry I would like to wish all my readers Salam Ramadhan.

There are lots of debate and status going around after the Malaysian Youth Minister announce that they want to bring BTS to Malaysia. As majority of kpop fans aware that Malaysian don't really accept kpop because I don't even know why. I knew this post might be a little late but I just finished my final exams.

Before I write more about this stuff. I want to share a little bit of backstory about my position to give an opinion on this matter. I am a kpop fans since 2011. Right now I am in another fandom which means I am not an ARMY and I will not be attending the concert if it happens but I still listen to them don't worry their songs are great. I also give this opinion as an ordinary Malaysia citizen. If you don't agree with my statements that doesn't mean I'm wrong and you're right. It is just a different opinion so don't take it seriously. 

The minister is inviting BTS for Visit Malaysia 2020. For my knowledge, it is still in the negotiating process. A lot of Malaysian citizen and celebrities opposed this idea because they said BTS are not Malaysians. Why are we promoting them instead of our local music? Meanwhile, for fans, they are happy about this news because the long awaiting boy band is finally coming to Malaysia.  

In my point of view, Visit Malaysia is about promoting Malaysia to the individual around the world. Sending them a message that Malaysia exists. I understand that we need to show off uniqueness and the beauty of Malaysia to the world. We have done it back in 2007, 2014. We need something larger to trigger world eyes to at least focus on Malaysia and then learn about Malaysia. If we do a festival or concert bringing all possible Malaysian celebrity on the same stage and promote Malaysia on that stage, who are the audiences? foreigner? It will be Malaysians. What is the point promoting Malaysia to the Malaysians? 

Why BTS?

BTS is currently the largest boy group in the world. We are not talking about kpop anymore. BTS has launched a partnership with UNICEF focusing on youth violence and global education. They did more than just k-pop music. Their song has topped in lots of music chart that has ever exist that you can name it. Every pair of eyes are on them. Bringing BTS in will bring a lot of foreign tourist into Malaysia. Even when smaller k-pop group held a concert in Malaysia few foreigners attend the concert. 

So, when they come here people all around the world will together attend the concert. They will also spend their days here, visiting places and help our economics. Now, people will be opposing in Religion point. BTS or not there will be some festival going on to promote Malaysia. It's the same for me. Even it is not for visit Malaysia there will always be a concert around KL. I mean none of you talking about Ed Sheeran concert in Malaysia "everyone" seems to accept it fine. Shawn Mendes is having a concert this upcoming October, seems fine too. (Please sponsor me Shawn Mendes ticket please).

I truly don't understand why some people are opposing k-pop so much. K-pop is just the same as any other music genre. You disliking them doesn't mean they aren't good. Everyone has their own opinion, judgment, and liking. The least you can do is respect everyone favorite. 

If you agree or don't agree with me feel free to comment and give your opinion but no harsh words, Harsh comments will not be published. 

Why my life isn't perfect as others?

Assalamualaikum and hi! readers, I'm back again with another entry. I feel kind of anxious when I didn't update my blog. I don't know why. Need some serious help I guess.

If you are already in my blog for a while, I bet you know what have I been through, what I feel certain times and many things did happen. Well, that is life. There is someday that I feel so happy and feel so grateful for everything I had in my life. But somedays I just want to cry and blame everything for reasons. In fact, my life has a lot of flaws.

Sometimes we go on Instagram scrolling down to our timeline we see our friends who we believe has a better life than us. We feel anxious, envy and we get to the point that we might actually hate them or ourselves for not being able to live like them. What can I say, their life isn't perfect too. People put up happy moments on their walls just to make themselves feel better. No one would show their own flaws to the world. Yet, we want to be like them.

Everyone has their own strength and weaknesses. Sometimes we kind of left behind our strength just to be like someone else. Trying to fit in the society. One thing that we always forgot is that we can't have everything we desire. Life has its own limitation. Remember, if you try to break your limits there will be consequences.
Don't get me wrong, I did not support you guys to stay in comfort zone. You need to get out of your own box but there is a limit. It's like you get out from your own box to bigger box but the bigger box still has its walls.

You know, it is okay to be broke you don't need to use luxurious things just to make you look good. I truly feel like this is a "flexing era" where everyone feels the need to show off everything from their Gucci slipper to their iPhone Xs to their high-end makeups. This is not supposed to be a culture. It is totally cool to put on "selipar jamban", any Lenovo, Oppo or any cheaper phone. It is fine! totally fine. If no one gonna hangs out with you, hit me up let's set a date.

What I'm trying to say is, every people is different. Some of them are lucky enough to be gifted with lots of money and some of us are gifted with good health, good friend, good grades while a lot of people out there are struggling more than us. You actually can find happiness everywhere even in the smallest things. Life isn't always like a cupcake. Be happy, find your own happiness. Enjoy every moment. Because it is your own life.

 I know that this entry is kind of all over the place but you got what I'm trying to say right? That's all for today's rant, Thank you for coming to my TED talk. hahaha.

That one friend who change me

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. On this entry, I want to do a throwback back in 2013. I think this one of the most important things that happen to me or a point in my life that I always want to remember and look back.

*Disclaimer, All of the real name will be changed to another name. Just because I don't really want to share their real name.

When I started high school everything seems pretty normal. I make new friends, I became friends with people from my primary school. I happen to be closed like really close to this one girl. In my school, from form 1 to form 3 we will not have to change classes so we will be looking at the same faces in the same classes for 3 years until PMR. But, before we started form 2, teachers suddenly move my closest friend to another class and another girl moves to my class. It's like the teacher exchanged them. I was so annoyed and I don't like that new girl at all as I feel like she parts me away from my best friend. I'll call her Jennie because I want to respect her privacy. But if you happen to know her please respect her.

I heard a lot of things about Jennie which is most of them are not a good one and one thing that I'm sure about her is that she is problematic. I was that kind of girl who doesn't break rules so for me she was pretty bad. She feels pretty invisible for me throughout the year. Until I was in fight with my friend, you know typical high school drama. I was left out by my circle of friend and I'm not really good at making new friends. I was pretty sad, the only friend I had left was in another class. Jennie sat next to another girl, I don't really know her well too but she seems nice and their friend circle is not that big. I'll call her Rose. I'm not sure if Jennie friend with Rose but they sat next to each other in class, so I guess they are friends. I approach them just to sit together with them so that I feel less lonely. Because my "war" doesn't seem like it's going to end soon. It just getting worst.

Rose and Jennie were pretty nice to me, they let me sit with them, eat with them, play with them. But, of course, I'm still judging Jennie pretty hard. Then we grew closer. When school starts for my form 3, I let Jennie sit next to me. So, we are now deskmate. We get so close. I stop judging her and accept her for whoever she is. I told myself that if she is problematic, she won't affect me but I'm going to change her. That's what I thought.

When we grew closer I learn that her life was not amazing. She has a broken family. By means broken it was pretty bad. I tried my best to be on her side. Rose and I will always listen to her when something happened. I can still remember how Jennie trust me so much that she asked our counselor to let me in the counseling session to accompany her. I am just a friend and most likely a stranger to her life. But she trusted me so much. I do my best to be her moral support supplies. I'll buy Cadbury chocolate every time she needed comfort and left it under her table just to make her happy at least. I can't so much to help her.

I knew why she was so problematic in school, why she always absent from school and why people don't like her. People don't like her because people were being too judgemental. People don't know all those stories all they ever know is Jennie is a problematic person. But in reality, she was suffering a lot. I heard with my own ears how people downgraded her I see how people bully her emotionally just because she is not a perfect student. It somehow hurts me too.

After PMR, we were still in the same class. Jennie, Rose and I. We kind of friend that give moral support a lot to each other whenever we going through harsh time. In that class, we got another friend Jisoo. So it's now, Jennie, Rose, Jisso and me. I'll call myself Lisa then. We are now "BLACKPINK" Omg I'm so lame. Please don't critics me for using their name.

4 of us suffers in a different way. Neither of us perfect. We had problems and I think that what complete us. We vowed to keep everything straight if they don't like me in certain ways talk into my face. I'll do the same. Tbh, we slap each other with facts and harsh words of reality. I don't think other people can accept those words. That's how our friendship goes until the end of high school life. Till these days, we still keep in contact. We still hit the groups chat to spill our heart off.

Each character I mentioned in this story affect me somehow. But I think Jennie played a big role. She makes me realize how lucky am I and I should be grateful for my lives. She teaches me not to judge people to fast. If only I knew what she went through I won't label her as a problematic classmate. I won't ever look down on her.

I'm so thankful to be her friend. If I never learned about her, I'm probably still an ignorant and ungrateful same girl who I used to be. She shows me the reality of lives.

Thank you :)

Kpop as an escape

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. So, today I'm back with another entry but it is not the continuation from my Korea trip. I'm not really feeling in continuing it because most of the days are pretty much similar. Anyway, I do make a vlog on it so you guys can check it [Here]. But if you want to know more of Korea trip please leave a comment.

Today I'm going to share with you guys about Kpop. I'm pretty sure a lot of my readers and my friends are aware that I'm a huge Kpop fan. Recently, Kpop is growing bigger than when I first into Kpop especially in Malaysia. When Kpop is huge of course we can see tons of people liking it and hating on it. It's a tea. You can not blame the haters, it is just their norm of hating something people like. What should we do if we confront haters? we ignore them.

Last week, I saw a tweet on Twitter this girl screenshot her conversation with her mom asking her mom to sponsor her to a Kpop concert. Then her mom said no, she can't afford it because the concert is in another city (this happened in America if I'm not mistaken, not a Malaysian I think so). She then was mad at her mother and said that nobody actually loves her but her Korean idol. When I read this I was really mad. You are supposed to work on your own, save up some money. It's your interest, not your mother's. She already works hard enough to raise you and yet you telling her your Korean idol loves you more than your mother?

I can relate how she actually sees her Korean idol as her savior or "the only people who love her" but I do not understand why she needs to be so rude to her mother. I can relate but I will not be rude to my mother. Maybe she's too young I don't know.

I was having a harsh time now and then and I don't really know what to do to feel better. The only things that I'm so interested in are Kpop. So I'll watch their videos, listen to their music without realizing it I feel much better. Kpop is so much more than just music they have tons of videos of them doing so many things like a variety show, daily life series, travel and a lot of funny videos. That's why we feel close to them, we watch them grow.

Yet, being Kpop fans sometimes can be hard. You see another Kpop fans going to their concert, buying their merchandise, buying their album and attending fansign. This makes you feel upset because you can't afford. It's been 8 years for me, I've been through that. Honestly, it is okay to be broke. No one to blame, not your parents. We need to work harder because you will appreciate it more. I won't forget my first ever album and my first concert. Till now I only went to one concert I have no official merchandise and 2 Kpop album and I'm still proud of it.

When my parents first found out I love Kpop, they against me. Well, strict Asian parents hahaha. But I can't stop it, it becomes like an addiction. At least I don't do drugs. LOL. However, addiction can't always be negative. There is a positive effect on me at least. Because Kpop, I'm into writings. I start my blog life because of Kpop. Although my blog was so cringy (my blog name is yayakpopgirl..... like... wtf?) Because of it I became a passionate writer, I got an offer to become a contributor on Zalora and I just got accepted to become one of the pool writers on crunchbynuffnang.

So, any though of Kpop you want to share with me? Feel free to comment down below. See you guys in next post!