Another Sad Story

Assalamualikum and hi, before i start my entry, please pray for my late grandma, she just passed away on last monday (12 Nov 2018).

So, after midsem break i went back to my univ. If you guys don't know my univ and my home quite far it takes almost 12 hours to reach home. On my way back to university my mum send me a whatsapp she told me that my grandma was sick but she still fine. So i did not think of anything bad. I keep in faith that my grandma will be okay because i haven't see her during my midsem break. Then at 11 p.m my dad call me, he told me my grandma faint and her heartbeat stop for awhile. I'm nervous and sad and i don't know a lot of thing was on my mind. I was thinking to go home but it's too far and there is no bus at midnight.

I slept earlier that night because i was afraid, i was scared, i was anxious and i was nervous. I hope when i wake up everything will be fine and it just gonna be another day. On 1.51 a.m i suddenly woke up like in a shock. I look on my phone somehow i read my clock as 5.11 a.m. I was so grateful because nothing had happen but then when i look again.. it still 1.51 a.m i close my eyes for 10 minutes and i got a call from my mum. I was so scared to answer that phone call. It was truly terrifying to hear what my mum gonna say.

My mum try not to freak me out, she ask me if i was asleep with a calm voice. Until she can't hold it anymore. She cried and told me, my grandma has gone. I asked her how can i go home? is there any relatives near me to take me home? My mum told me not to come home.. Because i just arrived and it will take too long. Then she hung up.

I cried all night.. i can't sleep. I keep thinking how to go home at that moment i want to see my grandma for last time. But my mum didn't allow to go home. I remembered my grandma once told me If she passed away, don't come home because it is too far. I cried my lungs out. I was never a good grand daughter to her. I am her first grand daughter and yet i never did something good to her.I desperately wanna go home. 

One my biggest fear is losing someone when i'm not around. It happens once when my granddad passed away but i still can see him for the last time but not this time. I can't say goodbye for my grandma for one last time. It is so heartbreaking. Until today i kept thinking of her. I wish i could be lil nicer to her when she was alive. But it's too late now.

I skip the morning class because i was too exhausted from crying. My brother manage to go home because some of my relatives happen to be in KL. I blame myself for not seeing her during my break. She ask my mum when will i come back and so on. The last time i talk to her was on phone and it is only for 5 second because i was "too busy" with programs that i share with you guys in past entries.

I have no grandparent now. Both my dad and mum side. I wish i could be a nicer grand daughter but it was too late. Al-Fatihah

Photoshoot Experiences

Assalamualaikum and hi people, last entry has been so emotional and i can't even move on. So, i decided to make another entry to move on.

cr. unsplash

If you people follow my instagram or my youtube channel you guys must be aware that i went to a photoshoot session with Zalora. If you don't make your time to watch my vlog okay?

If you guys don't know yet, I'm a contributor on Zalora Thread Magazine. Basically it is an online magazine with a lot of information. On my blog i post so much random and kind of useless thing to share with but on that page i share more information and knowledgeable articles. So make a way to my articles there or any other articles cause you can get a lot from there.

So, i went to the photo shoot not as a model. There is no way i can be a model, not even for plus size hahaha. I went there as one of the contributor, basically that photo shoot is for my profile. Being in a photo shoot session is one of my childhood dream and it became true. I once dream to be a model okayyy haha.

I went there all the way from muadzam shah so it's kinda far tho. I was suppose to be there at 2.30 p.m but i arrived at 3.00 p.m luckily i'm not the last person to arrive. If you guys don't know me in real, i'm that kind of person that can't be late. I will always be few minutes early or on time. So, i feel like uh i feel so annoyed when i'm late haha. So when i arrived, they put on simple and express makeup. I never let someone else put on makeup on me. It freak me out hahaha when the makeup artist did touch my face haha.

They gave me 2 outfit one black and one white. The black outfit is not really my usual style but the white outfit is not much different with my style. My outfit given is rather casual than the other contributor. I kinda love my black outfit cause i never try that kind of style and white outfit actually annoyed me a little because i'm fatttt and white didn't go well with fat person. But i think i did a pretty good job. I get a lot of nice word from the photographer so i think it is a good sign.

From the session i did learn something that i can use in my daily life.

1. Be bold. You need to be bold for yourself look great on photo, same goes with my life i need to be bold to do what i love to do and never be scared of my passion 
2.  Try something new. You got to try lot of pose for your photo and so your life trying something new will not be bad and you will find your best pose if you try. 
3. I also learn how to work with people and polish my communication skills cause i meet new different people there.
4. Lastly, fight for your dream. I'm not sure why but it gave me that feel. I always wanted to be on photo shoot and i got a chance because my blog. because my writing passion. It feels great. It feel like i reach another achievement in my life.

So, i think that is all i want to share for this entry. The photo is not out yet so i cannot share with you guys yet. See you soon in next entry, have a great day ahead :)))

I'm feeling better

cr. weheartit

Hi, I'm back again with another entry. Well i know that i don't have any readers anymore because of my irregular schedule of updating. Anyways hi everyone, hi to whoever read this. If you read this leave your message to me la haha.

If you already keep up with my story in this blog. you probably notice that i'm going through some stuff. I've been so negative. I'm tired. I'm stressed out. To be honest.. till today i'm still going through the same thing but i feel a lot better.

I want to share with you guys how i feel last time and how i can feel better maybe this might help some of you out there especially my friends. I'm here to help you a little.

I was down and feeling depress and stress i cried every night because something did happen to me. i won't tell why but i literally feel like i was such a failure and my life is dark. Nothing seems bright to me. So when i started a new semester it get worse. I start to cry every time i need to go to class or if i don't cry i will start sweating, my heart beat fast. I'm nervous and i was scared. I was scared of everything that might happen in  the class. I can't focus in class.  Every night before i sleep i'll just shed my tears hoping tomorrow will be better but it doesn't get any better.

Until.. i was called to go to a program. At first, i tried to find thousands of reason to not going there. I thought that i need to go there because i'm a failure, i'm a problematic student. That is how i truly feel. But i can't find any valid reasons and i just take a deep breath and go with so much negative perception about that program.

I was wrong that program is not for problematic person not for a failure person but in fact, that program wakes me up. It open my eyes. They help me to find back reasons why i need to stay strong why i need to struggles why and how i can do better. They never blame me for making a mistake. But they convince me that amazing humans made mistakes. Amazing people come through failure.

Friends, i have lost my dream. I have no will to go through my life. I almost gave up. Life seems so hard to me. If you ever feel what i have feel.. I just want to tell you that, it's okay to make mistakes. Yes people will blame you, people will say bad thing about you. But remember, it's your life. You are the one who need to shape your life. It's your airplane! You are the pilot! Find your own happiness, forget all those people. Real friends, will fly besides you together. When you fall, they help you to get up. If there is nobody around you to do that. Nobody deserve you because you are amazing, you are great person. You have yourself! you are not a failure you just make a mistakes and we learnt from mistakes.

Problems will always find their way to see you but you need to be strong for each problem you are facing. You are not alone.. Believe me you are not alone.. There will always be someone to be by your side. You know i cried making this post.. I remember those pains i felt. It hurts.. so bad. I was all alone at that time. I didn't reach my friends or anyone for help because i was embarrassed of my self. You should reach out to someone. Everyone has their struggles don't be embarrassed of yourself.. If you need some help, i will be there to listen just find me. I will try to help you.

That's all for today's post. I hope you guys have an amazing day. Stay happy and be positive for a better days. bye