Hopeless Romantic

Assalamualaikum and hi, everyone. It's been a while since I wrote something other than 'poems'. It is less than 5 days left for 2021 to end. I feel like I wanted to do 2021 Wrapped up, but I feel like sharing other topics. Save it for later I guess.

This year I learn so many things, but I'm keeping that information for my next entry. This entry going to focus on one of the biggest themes in my life which are My romantic life. Be prepared to get cringe. I've warned you. 

I'm 23 this year and I feel like it is an ideal age to get to know and meet someone. I think it is normal considering a lot of my friends are moving into the next stage. I just want to pass the talking stage I didn't ask for much hahaha. Look, I know more people are older than me and still single. Nothing is wrong with being single. Being single is amazing but sometimes I just can't help.

When I'm struggling with my mental health, I was hoping that I won't get married. I am scared and terrified of the idea of spending time with someone for my whole life. Not just marriage, I am genuinely scared of having a relationship with someone. I talked to my therapist about the relationship for two whole sessions because of how terrifying it is to me. 

Putting my mental health aside, I think another reason why it is so hard for me to be in a relationship is that I am a hopeless romantic. I have this fairy-tale imagination of what love is and I have a pretty high standard on how relationships should be working. My biggest belief is to be in relationship men should be making first steps. So, I've been waiting this whole time and yea still waiting. Until recently, I gather my courage and start talking to people and nothing working out yet.  

Considering, I am still scared of meeting new people I think I did a pretty good job. But sometimes, meeting new people is tiring and it can be so triggering. I feel like I just want to stop looking. But in the mid of 'searching', I met someone who change my perspective on having a 'partner'. We might not be together but he teaches me something valuable. There is going to be someone out there who can understand and can tolerate you if they want to. He might not know this but he helps me a lot on my healing journey. Now, again, I'm setting myself up for hopeless romantic. 

In all the jokes and seriousness for looking partner, the biggest hurdle is myself. I am struggling with my mental health. Most of the time I feel like I'm unlovable, I'm a boring person, I'm going to burden people and most importantly I feel like I'm going to hurt someone I love and care about. Also, since I'm a hopeless romantic, it is easy for me to get carried away with romantic feelings, which could be bad. 

I know I should not rush things up. I am still young. There is a lot more I can achieve other than being in a relationship. I've spent a lot of time being single, nothing is wrong to keep being single. One day, I'll read this entry and laugh over it. 

To other single people out there, it's okay to be sad for not having a partner but it is also okay to be single. Keep your standard high so you don't settle down for less. 

I think that's all for this entry. I hope you got something through my story and share with me your thought on having a partner (if you are single). See you in the next entry. Bye <3

Castaways

Assalamualaikum and hi,  how are you guys doing? I hope everyone is being fine. I'm back with another entry.  I really don't know what topics to write and discuss with my readers but I just want to write. If you were here on my last entry, you probably know what I've been going through. It is not pretty at all. I am still not able to be myself.

 Do you guys know the TikTok viral sound castaways? It goes something like "Castaways, we are castaways, ahoy there, ahoy. We are castaways". Well, I don't know why but why do I feel sad listening to this song? Maybe because of the meaning of "Castaways". Castaways means a person who has been shipwrecked and stranded in an isolated place. If I would describe my life right now it is castaways.

My life is the ship and I am stranded in an isolated place. I feel like I am alone fighting against myself. Few of my friends reach out to me, asking me if I am okay and they let me know that they are available if I need someone to talk to. I appreciate their thoughts but I just don't want to burden them with my problems and sometimes I feel like, they will not understand me if I told them. I feel like they are going to judge me for being this way. I truly believe they will not understand me and one day they'll get annoyed because I'm behaving like this. I know they'll get sad if they know this is exactly how I feel but I am sorry. I can't help but think this way every time. 

The next lyrics go like "We're stuck where we are with no houses, no car, castaways, ahoy, we are castaways". I'm stuck here, no place I can feel like being at home, no cars to get me out of here. I am stranded. I understand that this is just a child song but I don't know I feel like it's a metaphor for my life. Well, who knows child song can be so depressive.  

I get really sensitive nowadays, I can't handle small talks without getting annoyed. I get annoyed at everything, and I'm scared people will push me away because I just can't... Sometimes, I got excited over something and in the mid of it, my feeling just dies. It's sad, very sad.

I am sorry for posting another depressive entry. I really wish to share more fun stories with you guys, but apparently, nothing is exciting going on. However, I would like to thanks anyone who read my entry and supporting me, leaving a very nice message. I am working on improving myself. I've reached out using a proper platform. I'll be going to have my first mental health screening this Friday. Please pray for the best and InsyaAllah everything will be alright. 

Since I'll be going to therapy sessions soon, it will cost me some money, if you want to support me please support my small business at Shopee.  Thank you for reading,  see you guys on the next entry.

The life changing phase

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you doing? Salam Ramadhan and Salam Syawal. It's literally a few days left until 1st Syawal. I hope everyone has a fulfilling Ramadhan and makes the best out of it. I honestly don't know if any of my readers are still here or new people stumble upon my blog. I'm not really sure. 

It's been a while since my last regular update on this blog. Well, I've been busy. If you keep up with my blog you must already know what has been happening around me. But If you don't, that's totally cool and fine. I'm SarahIsyah nice to meet you!

In my previous entry, I talked about how I feel like times go so fast and yes, it is still going fast. I have no space to breathe. Honestly. I'm just too tired. But I don't know what exactly I'm tired of. Maybe just everything. This entry will probably be the same rant entry about me being somewhat ungrateful or emotionally unstable. 

From the earlier stage of this blog, I've been promoted self-love or about my own journey in discovering self-love. To be frank, I thought I was there. I thought I reached it. But I was wrong. If I already love myself, why do I have to discover them? I was totally wrong. I keep posting those stuff to convince myself that I am fine! I am loved! I'm accepting who I am. But at this moment, I'm just confused and really tired of myself. I don't know if this is just a phase or I am emotionally unstable. 

A lot of things are happening, I am 23 years old facing major life-changing experiences from young adult/ student to full flash adult with responsibilities toward a lot of parties including myself. I feel so hopeless. I try my best to keep it positive, I try my best to be a better person but everything seems wrong. I feel like I am stuck in the past and I feel like I left something really important in my past and now I just can't move forward. I don't know what it is, it may be my dream, my purpose, my will, or just the fear of growing up. It's just too much for me. 

When I look back in my life, why do dark memories keep appearing? Even when I read back my past entries, those feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger were inside me. Lately, these feelings just get overwhelmed. I have really bad mood swings, I'm just confused about everything and I feel so tired. 

I realize maybe this is the time to get some help. But, I keep procrastinating. I feel like it is so hard for me to reach out for help from professionals. I was so lost on how I should seek proper help. When I finally got a clue, it feels impossible. Going to a government hospital going to take time and I am working, with this peak period I don't think I can find an excuse to be on leave. If I am going to a private institution, it's just hopeless, I didn't have enough money to spend on it. It's going to take time for me to save up. Maybe this was just another excuse for me not getting any help.  I am not diagnosing myself with any mental illness but I feel it.  Something is wrong with me. 

You know, it is sad when you try to reach out to the closest person you have and they just don't give a damn. For them, it was just me seeking attention. "Stop being sad" "smile more""do you have to act up this way" I wish I can smile, I wish I am happy, I wish I am acting like a proper human.  Maybe it was all for attention. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful person. I can't help but burst into tears most of the days. I can't help but think I am a failure. I just can't be enough to my family and friends. 

Dear reader, I am so sorry for posting this negative energy. But I just don't know where should I tell this feeling. I just want to let it out a little bit. I am so sorry. I hope to see you guys on next entry with better update. Have a good day ahead.

The end

Assalamualaikum and hi, first of all, I want to let you guys know I just changed my blog theme or looks. Because people were having a hard time searching for my chatbox. But, don't worry! I got you! Anyway, I had a draft of an entry I want to post but somehow I didn't finish writing it. So, I'm just going to combine the last story and today's story.

17th August 2020, marks the last day of my college life. Honestly, I don't know how to feels, it's just mixing all over my head and my emotions. If you guys keep updated with my blog, you probably know that I was really sad because I can't meet my friends for the last semester. Put that aside, I still have overwhelming emotions. Practically, I haven't finished my degree yet because I have to go through an internship for 6 months before I can finally graduate. But, the internship is just like working right? it's already in the new phase of life.

Saying goodbye to one of your most favorite phase in life is just too sad. When I look back, I do enjoy my college life. I go through episodes of anxiety through those years, crying for not able to be in class, arguing with myself to be better in studies, getting heartbroken because of the results. Apart from that, there are a lot of memories I make during my college life.

The thing that I will probably miss the most is the events. I was pretty much active in extra co-curriculum activities, I joined a lot of events and handle a lot of events. I was the president of a club at my college. I won't be able to experience all of this if my college years didn't exist. However, it is a little sad because when I was still the president of the club I cannot do much because of the MCO and stuff. I have a really good team, but you know things happened.

If you didn't know, my college is quite far from my home. Sometimes it takes 12 hours to reach home. So, I rarely went home because of time and money constraints. I get the freedom that I crave, hahaha. Growing up in a strict family and I don't have much freedom, but college does give me a chance. I think this is the biggest reason I enjoy my college life. But, don't misunderstand me, I do love and enjoy my time with my family.

In my first year, I really said to myself "think as you are going to a camp but for 4 + years". But, luckily I was able to adapt fast. Time flies so fast, I'm 22 years old and getting into new phase yet still single hahaha. It's funny because I thought I'm gonna meet "someone" in college but shame on me. Well at this moment, I don't really care anymore. I'm just going to work hard and enjoy myself.

I'm just going to hug myself and pat my back, you survived your degree. Please pray for my exam results and I hope my internship will be fine. Thank you to every single person that has come to my life during those years. If we were not in the same boat anymore, you are still part of my stories. But if we are still together, I feel blessed and thank you for staying with me. Same goes to my dear readers, who still keep up with my irregular schedule on this blog and thank you for all the supporting words. I love you guys!

That's all for this entry, it's currently 2.06 a.m. I should sleep right now. Thank you and see you in the next entry!

Friendship that i won't change for anything else.

Assalamualaikum and hi! how are you guys doing? I actually have a list on what to write but somehow this one cannot wait. My heart just screaming to write on this one. So, despite having a final exam I make a time to write this. I believe this is such a beautiful story that I want to share with you guys. I am a person who values every relationship that I ever had. If it's bad, it's just gonna be a bad story but if it's beautiful, I'll keep it in my heart. 

I have a group of friends. There are five of us Sabby, Jah, Ani, Rizka, and me. I met them back in 2016 when I started my university life. To be honest, I don't really have the expectation of having really close friends. I kind of having a hard time in "friendship" back in high school. Well, of course, I have a few close friends from high school. But, staying in university, far from home I am really close to this group. I always keep my friends pool small and I prefer to talk to someone I'm comfortable with. At least that's how I feel at this moment.

Sabby and Rizka is my housemate so we are really close. I remember eating together during orientation despite being in different groups. We pretty much go everywhere together. Jah and Aini came in because we were in the same class. I cannot forget Aini's first WhatsApp. Jah, Ani, and I were in the same class for almost every subject during the foundation. We surely laugh a lot during classes. Then, all of us hang out together every single day. At first, I don't think our friendship will last long because the way I talked might make some people uncomfortable. "orang utagha cakap kasaq" I know I hurt them few times because the way I talk.

To write every memorable story will take forever but in this entry, I just want to tell why I won't change my friendship with them with anything else. If I ever lost memory, I don't want to lost memory of my days with them. We were very close to the point if someone having the problem, we will know without them telling. We kind of read each other minds. I guess.

They were with me since the beginning until now. I experience all the things I wanted to feel with them. We laugh, we cried, we fight, we stop talking all of sudden and start talking like usual the very next day, we forgive each other, we support each other. I'm not sure about them but this is how I really feel about them. They probably won't know but when I was at my lowest during that one semester, having the anxiety to go to the class. They were the biggest help I received at that moment. They were always there when I'm having the hardest time. I don't know if I ever repay them enough. 

All of them are smart students. During foundations, they are all deans list student every semester even in Degree, they did way better than I did and I was the only one who is not that good academically. I thought they are going to abandon me because "smarts mingle with smarts". I went through that during my school days. But I was wrong, they will always be there to help me. They'll come to me and said: "Sarah kalau tak faham tanya je la aku tau!" (sis getting emotional writing this). Those words mean a lot to me. They are surely one of the reasons for me to keep going. They know the best and the bad things about me. But they still accept me. With them, I can pretty much be myself. 

They did a lot of amazing things to me. They even help me search for a boyfriend but being me I'm still single. Hahaha. We can share pretty much everything together. If one of us had a crush on someone and didn't tell everyone in the group, we will interrogate until each of us get the answer. It looks like a "busy body" but no that's what we do. 

Friends are the ones who accept you at your lowest point and be happy with you at your highest point. They really had a special place in my heart. I'm making this entry because this June till September is supposed to be our last moment together in University. But, because of Covid-19, no physical classes will be conducted. We were all separated. I am in Penang, Sabby in Johor, Jah and Ani in Selangor, Rizka in KL. I don't know when we will reunite but one thing for sure, things won't be the same anymore. We will not be able to go to class together, waking up looking at each other faces, staying up in the libraries, fight over who to make decisions on where to eat. 

This blog had been a place where I wrote how I feel at the moment and to read back in the future to appreciate things. If this blog exists without our story, it won't be completed. I really hope that we can keep our friendship forever and each of us grows up individually into an amazing person. 

A little message to my genduts, I am very proud of every single of you and I'm always right over the phone to listen to your story. If there is a possible chance, I will book my ticket to Johor and KL, to be with you if you need me. I believe that you guys are one of the greatest gifts Allah ever give to me. I won't say in front of you because it so cringes, lol! but maybe this blog will help to reach the message to you. 

Thank you for reading and till we meet in another post! Oh, wish me luck for my final exams. 

The RMO story

Assalamualaikum and hi~ Harini tiba2 rasa nak update entry dalam BM sebab rasa a little friendly because this entry will be a story type of entry. So entry ni Bahasa rojak lah ye. 

So ni dah hari ke berapa dah pkp pun dah tak tau dah lost count. Cerita ni jd before pkp and berlarutan smpai sekarang.. So kisah dia begini, few days before pkp rasanya 13th March kot, Sarah balik penang sebab my mum tak sihat and will be warded on 14th March. 

A day before nak balik penang tu I got 3 quizzes dri pagi smpai malam so tak sempat nak basuh baju and kemas sangat. I thought nak balik penang kejap je la kan about 3-4 days je, so it won't be bad lah kan x basuh baju. I left everything there. Literally almost everything yg sarah ada smua dkt sana. Memang balik penang bawak satu beg je ada laptop ada file and sikit2 brg skincare. 

Dari ingat nak balik sekejap je terpaksa extend stay dkt penang sebab mak x boleh keluar ward lagi. Ttba diumumkan pkp akan berkuatkuasa. First thing first bersyukur jugak sbb boleh stay dgn family lg dkt rumah and then things start to hit. Baju aku dah bertimbun x basuh, brg makeup, skincare semua tinggal sana, my textbook. I keep it positif lg "takpe dua minggu je" hahahaha. mimpi aja kamu ni sarah.

Sekarang ni aku dah half redho sbb baju aku bertimbun x basuh. tpi paling sakit week yg sebelum aku balik aku baru beli stock makanan.. aku beli susu, roti, tuna, biskut, chocolate.. semuanya habis ya msti dah busuk ya peti ais itu. tapi nak buat mcm mna kan.. redho.

Aku balik sehelai sepinggang.. and my wardrobe isn't like normal girl banyak baju.. Baju sarah ulang2 je memang skit je kat rumah mmng x de sgt baju elok.. baju tangan pendek je lah ada. Selamat tak payah keluar memana kan. So online class pun tgk la tudung yg sama haha outfit sama je everyday. Nak jawab midterm pun separuh mati sbb textbook tinggal dkt sana. Yang btul2 balik for pkp dorg sempat la grab the books.

The great thing about all this thing is that aku dah balik awal.. bayangkan aku x balik penang sbb mak aku sakit kan msti aku stranded in my college. sebab nak balik penang jauh and confirm bahaya sbb people start panicking and balik masa pkp announcement tu kan. 

I probably won't be back to my college until Jun. Maka!! baju baju yang terperap tu aku harap tak reput or berulat lah ye. I get anxious pikir pasal baju kt sana. Baju you made me worry.. I wanna meet you so bad. hahaha . Psl skincare aku ni aku dah giveup.. mmng tak pakai smua benda.. nak beli baru duit x de. nk pakai my mum punya x sesuai sbb i kulit sensitive.

But baju ke skincare ke semua tu x penting skrg ni, we are in pendamic. It is our job to protect ourselves and people around us.. so Stay Home people! We gonna win this fight.. See you in next entry.

That one friend who change me

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. On this entry, I want to do a throwback back in 2013. I think this one of the most important things that happen to me or a point in my life that I always want to remember and look back.

*Disclaimer, All of the real name will be changed to another name. Just because I don't really want to share their real name.

When I started high school everything seems pretty normal. I make new friends, I became friends with people from my primary school. I happen to be closed like really close to this one girl. In my school, from form 1 to form 3 we will not have to change classes so we will be looking at the same faces in the same classes for 3 years until PMR. But, before we started form 2, teachers suddenly move my closest friend to another class and another girl moves to my class. It's like the teacher exchanged them. I was so annoyed and I don't like that new girl at all as I feel like she parts me away from my best friend. I'll call her Jennie because I want to respect her privacy. But if you happen to know her please respect her.

I heard a lot of things about Jennie which is most of them are not a good one and one thing that I'm sure about her is that she is problematic. I was that kind of girl who doesn't break rules so for me she was pretty bad. She feels pretty invisible for me throughout the year. Until I was in fight with my friend, you know typical high school drama. I was left out by my circle of friend and I'm not really good at making new friends. I was pretty sad, the only friend I had left was in another class. Jennie sat next to another girl, I don't really know her well too but she seems nice and their friend circle is not that big. I'll call her Rose. I'm not sure if Jennie friend with Rose but they sat next to each other in class, so I guess they are friends. I approach them just to sit together with them so that I feel less lonely. Because my "war" doesn't seem like it's going to end soon. It just getting worst.

Rose and Jennie were pretty nice to me, they let me sit with them, eat with them, play with them. But, of course, I'm still judging Jennie pretty hard. Then we grew closer. When school starts for my form 3, I let Jennie sit next to me. So, we are now deskmate. We get so close. I stop judging her and accept her for whoever she is. I told myself that if she is problematic, she won't affect me but I'm going to change her. That's what I thought.

When we grew closer I learn that her life was not amazing. She has a broken family. By means broken it was pretty bad. I tried my best to be on her side. Rose and I will always listen to her when something happened. I can still remember how Jennie trust me so much that she asked our counselor to let me in the counseling session to accompany her. I am just a friend and most likely a stranger to her life. But she trusted me so much. I do my best to be her moral support supplies. I'll buy Cadbury chocolate every time she needed comfort and left it under her table just to make her happy at least. I can't so much to help her.

I knew why she was so problematic in school, why she always absent from school and why people don't like her. People don't like her because people were being too judgemental. People don't know all those stories all they ever know is Jennie is a problematic person. But in reality, she was suffering a lot. I heard with my own ears how people downgraded her I see how people bully her emotionally just because she is not a perfect student. It somehow hurts me too.

After PMR, we were still in the same class. Jennie, Rose and I. We kind of friend that give moral support a lot to each other whenever we going through harsh time. In that class, we got another friend Jisoo. So it's now, Jennie, Rose, Jisso and me. I'll call myself Lisa then. We are now "BLACKPINK" Omg I'm so lame. Please don't critics me for using their name.

4 of us suffers in a different way. Neither of us perfect. We had problems and I think that what complete us. We vowed to keep everything straight if they don't like me in certain ways talk into my face. I'll do the same. Tbh, we slap each other with facts and harsh words of reality. I don't think other people can accept those words. That's how our friendship goes until the end of high school life. Till these days, we still keep in contact. We still hit the groups chat to spill our heart off.

Each character I mentioned in this story affect me somehow. But I think Jennie played a big role. She makes me realize how lucky am I and I should be grateful for my lives. She teaches me not to judge people to fast. If only I knew what she went through I won't label her as a problematic classmate. I won't ever look down on her.

I'm so thankful to be her friend. If I never learned about her, I'm probably still an ignorant and ungrateful same girl who I used to be. She shows me the reality of lives.

Thank you :)

Kpop as an escape

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. So, today I'm back with another entry but it is not the continuation from my Korea trip. I'm not really feeling in continuing it because most of the days are pretty much similar. Anyway, I do make a vlog on it so you guys can check it [Here]. But if you want to know more of Korea trip please leave a comment.

Today I'm going to share with you guys about Kpop. I'm pretty sure a lot of my readers and my friends are aware that I'm a huge Kpop fan. Recently, Kpop is growing bigger than when I first into Kpop especially in Malaysia. When Kpop is huge of course we can see tons of people liking it and hating on it. It's a tea. You can not blame the haters, it is just their norm of hating something people like. What should we do if we confront haters? we ignore them.

Last week, I saw a tweet on Twitter this girl screenshot her conversation with her mom asking her mom to sponsor her to a Kpop concert. Then her mom said no, she can't afford it because the concert is in another city (this happened in America if I'm not mistaken, not a Malaysian I think so). She then was mad at her mother and said that nobody actually loves her but her Korean idol. When I read this I was really mad. You are supposed to work on your own, save up some money. It's your interest, not your mother's. She already works hard enough to raise you and yet you telling her your Korean idol loves you more than your mother?

I can relate how she actually sees her Korean idol as her savior or "the only people who love her" but I do not understand why she needs to be so rude to her mother. I can relate but I will not be rude to my mother. Maybe she's too young I don't know.

I was having a harsh time now and then and I don't really know what to do to feel better. The only things that I'm so interested in are Kpop. So I'll watch their videos, listen to their music without realizing it I feel much better. Kpop is so much more than just music they have tons of videos of them doing so many things like a variety show, daily life series, travel and a lot of funny videos. That's why we feel close to them, we watch them grow.

Yet, being Kpop fans sometimes can be hard. You see another Kpop fans going to their concert, buying their merchandise, buying their album and attending fansign. This makes you feel upset because you can't afford. It's been 8 years for me, I've been through that. Honestly, it is okay to be broke. No one to blame, not your parents. We need to work harder because you will appreciate it more. I won't forget my first ever album and my first concert. Till now I only went to one concert I have no official merchandise and 2 Kpop album and I'm still proud of it.

When my parents first found out I love Kpop, they against me. Well, strict Asian parents hahaha. But I can't stop it, it becomes like an addiction. At least I don't do drugs. LOL. However, addiction can't always be negative. There is a positive effect on me at least. Because Kpop, I'm into writings. I start my blog life because of Kpop. Although my blog was so cringy (my blog name is yayakpopgirl..... like... wtf?) Because of it I became a passionate writer, I got an offer to become a contributor on Zalora and I just got accepted to become one of the pool writers on crunchbynuffnang.

So, any though of Kpop you want to share with me? Feel free to comment down below. See you guys in next post!

Winter Program in Korea (Day 4 and Day 5)

Assalamualaikum and hi! This entry will be the continuation from the last entry. I know it's been awhile, so forgive me. I was having finals so I cannot continue updating you guys about my journey. However, here I am to share with you guys my experience for the program on day 4 and 5

Our fourth day there happened to be on 31 December 2018 (Monday). So, you guys can expect a lot from day 4.

It is our first Korean language class. I've been watching lots of Korean drama and listen to a lot of Korean songs but do I know their language? Maybe. I knew certain words but I have zero ideas on  Korea alphabet (Hangul). Oh, I only know how to spell my name because I googled it. So the class became very exciting for me. The class starts at 9 a.m and end at 12 p.m. Tbh, if it is an accounting class I would be dead because 3 hours is not a short period of time. However, I enjoyed that class a lot because it is new for me and I think 3 hours is not enough. Our 선생님 (teacher) cannot speak in English so it was a little hard for us to communicate in class but she manages to teach us a lot. 

So this is the view of the class from my sit. Nothing much to see but a better view is coming in next entry maybe. 

After our class finished, we have free time we can basically go anywhere we like and we need to gather at 2.30 p.m for next scheduled. We always move to classes or for scheduled together just to make sure everyone was there and nobody was left behind. 

So at 3 p.m, we went to the city tour. Just to let you know that I always have a problem in remembering places name so, I'm sorry if I didn't include the places name (I try my best to google it.huhu)  However, all the places we went to that day are only in Daejon. Daejon are famous for its science and technology stuff so basically for the next city tour also will be related to science.

The first place that we went to was the Hanbit Tower and Expo Bridge. We need to do a task which is taking funny photos there. So, nothing much happened but it was fun. I'm not gonna include the funny photo because I can't find it and my group didn't win. Guess it is not funny enough.

Did I mention in the last entry that we need to walk a lot? Yea, we still need to walk a lot on this city tour. I remember exchanging cultural information with my Korean buddy. She was interested in Malaysia a lot. I think I do a pretty good job of promoting Malaysia. Hahaha. It was fun.

Then we go to a public hot water pool spa kind of place where people soak their legs in hot water. I personally didn't soak my water because I'm just too lazy to take off my shoes. It is a free time for us so we can either go back to the dorm or go anywhere we wanted but it's getting dark and we will be having another activity later on that night. So most of us decided to go back.

I think this is my most favorite event that happened for 2 weeks in Korea. We went to a New Year celebration in Daejon Town Hall I believe. I'm not so sure where is it specifically but it is in the center of Daejon. 

We went there by groups so my buddy decides that we gonna take the taxi because subway will be too crowded and we need to go earlier. So, we split into 2 groups to take a taxi. There was almost no taxi that night because it was a night before the new year. There was one guy, hmm.. an Oppa to be exact. He was a buddy to the other group but he was so kind that he wait with us till we got a taxi. He got his own car, he wanted to bring us all together but we just can't fit in. He was so kind T.T 

When we reached there, my group and his group walk together and it was so packed with humans. Literally PACKED! I don't know how should I describe to you guys but it was so so so so packed. Anyways we found a spot that is not so packed so we just stand there and listen to the performances. 

After the performances, the countdown begins and after the clock is 12 a.m sharp they (Koreans) release the balloons that they were holding as wishes for the new year. Then there was a speech by important people of Korea. hahaha idk who. And there was a lucky draw as well until 12.30 a.m. The most awaited moment, the reasons we went there is to watch firework performances.

The photo is all mine

The firework was based on the song that they played so basically the firework was dancing. hahaha. I got to improve my photography skill as well during the firework. 

After the firework end, we need to take a taxi back to the dormitory. Sadly there was almost no taxi. My buddy Seonmin, need to run all over the place to find taxis for us. I feel bad for her because it was so cold and late at night. I'm so touched when she working so hard to make sure we went back safely.  선민, 너 최고야! 

We reached our dorm at 2 a.m it was a tiring day but I enjoyed it so much. 

The next day, It's a holiday so there was no class. Our activity starts at 3 p.m. It was an International Day. We need to prepare a presentation about our own country. So my team present about Malaysian food and also a Malay song (which is Hari Raya song). We got to learn about other countries as well as German, Bangladesh, China, America and more. Guess what? our team got the best presentation! It was so unexpected. 

And yea we wear Baju Kurung in Winter. By the way, on the 5th day, 1st January 2019, I experience my first ever snow! I was so happy that day!

So, guys, that's all for this entry. Day 4 was a bit longer maybe because I enjoyed that day the most. You guys can go to my Instagram and checked out my Korea journey on the highlight area. I was planning to edit my videos for vlog but I'm not really feeling it. Need some motivations I guess.

Thank your for spending your time <3

Winter Program in Korea (Day 1 to 3)

Assalamualaikum and hi, I'm back in 2019! If you guys haven't updated with my life yet (as if anyone does) I went to Korea for Winter Program as an exchange student for about 11 days. I'm not sure if I should update all 11 days in one post. I think it will be super lengthy and you will be tired from reading. I'm just gonna continue with day 1 until day 3.

There are 30 students from my university who joined this program. Each of us was appointed to do some task while in Korea. So I became a photographer. Anyway, on day 1 nothing much happened. We arrived at Incheon airport around 2 p.m Korean time. Chungnam National University is in Daejon, from Incheon airport (Seoul) to CNU take about 3 hours. So nothing much really happened in day 1 cause we were just busy traveling.

On the second day, we have our orientation. We learn about CNU and about Daejon a little bit. Then we were given buddy. One Korean buddy with five Malaysian buddies.

My Korean buddy's name is Park Seonmin. She is very cute and nice. After "ice-breaking" session she brought us to a local restaurant that sells noodles. I don't really know what is the exact name of the noodle but it was good. The portion of the meals is freaking huge! I can't even finish my food. After we had our meal, she brought us to another side of University. There is a downtown that has lots of shops. She introduced us to Korean bubble milk tea. It's great you guys should try it if you went to Korea. Being in Korea we really need to walk a lot. I'm serious! it's A LOT!!

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Then for the evening session, we have like a class about Korea. They just tell Korea history and places to visit.

After that session finished, we have free times. So I decided to follow my friends to go to the downtown which known as Gung dong. Well, there's a lot of shops but there is no halal food. That's sad.

This is Gung dong.

On the third day, Seonmin brings us to Jungangro. It was my first time to take a bus and subway in Korea. I've only seen it in the drama and I was so so so excited.

We went for some window shopping and we also spent some time in the arcade. Korean arcade isn't different much from Malaysia arcade but they do have more games than us. You can actually play archery, shooting, AR bike and a lot more. We also had some foods there. Sadly, Daejon isn't a foreigner place and there is no Muslim around, so looking for halal food was so hard. Then we just wandered around until we decide to go to the dormitory. At that night I didn't go out, just staying at the dormitory. 

Yeah that is it for this post. Day 4 will be more exciting but it is too long to include in this entry. It's late at night and I'm already tired. So, see you in next post and have a nice day ahead!

Goodbye 2018

Assalamulaikum and hi! This might be the last entry on 2018. I will be going to Korea for 2 weeks. I will be an exchange student in Chungnam University for 2 weeks. Isn't it fun? I hope it will be fun. I will update you guys my experience there. So, I'm here to kind of rewind my 2018.

So, 2018 has been quite a year. It is a rollercoaster. There were joy, sad, depressing,overly joy, sick, hurt and lot more. I'm gonna highlight a few big moments that happen to me. 

I started 2018 with a new resolution and the resolution is quite similar every year because I never achieved it at the end of the year. One of my biggest resolutions is to lose a pretty amount of weight, but guess what? It never happens. Shall I cry now? because it's like another week and it's already 2019.

On February 2018, I went to my most fav country, Korea. I spent like a week there holiday with my family. It was fun! and I'm going again next week. So, this year definitely bring me closer to Korea. I don't why, but Korea has a special place in my heart. Been to few countries before but Korea keeps my heart.

Next, in April I went through a surgery/ operations to remove my ovarian cyst. It's another journey and experiences. I have ovarian cyst since 2015 and finally I'm free from it this year. It is really something that I won't forget. It is not like I will face it every year and not anyone gonna experience this. So, I enjoyed that moment even it hurts af

In September, I guess I had the best birthday gift ever. It's a gift from me to myself. I went to seventeen concerts. I updated an entry about it so you guys can check it out here. 

Photoshoot moment that I will never! ever! in my life forget about it. It is a whole lot of new experience of my big dream. I make an entry about it so, you can check them out. I probably won't move on from it.

Currently, in November, I lost someone I love which is my grandma. It was shocking. I made an entry on that as well. But honestly, till today, I'm still sad and mad on myself how I wish I can see her before and how I can be a better granddaughter. I miss her so much.

Also, 2018 has taught me about how ugly life can be. I am at the lowest point of myself. I don't say I'm having depression, but I feel like my life suffocates me. I can't breathe, I'm not willing to do anything, I have the thought of hurting myself. It is really not me, not how I usually behave. Some people got to change at a certain point right? And I'm changing to the worst. How I wish I am not changing myself. Till today, I'm still having a hard time, if something did trigger me I just want to hurt myself in any way possible. But, gladly I still can manage not to hurt myself.

2018 also thought me to go for my dream. Do what you like, nobody can say no to your passion. It is the reason why I start active on the blog again even though my life is kind of hectic at the moment. But writing blog gives me so much fun and positivity. So keep on running towards your dream. Like I do, I became a freelance on Thread zalora and I am working hard on it. Because it is one of my passion.

Finally, a few days to 2019 I am still single. I have no boyfriend and that is sad. Just kidding, am not sad but rather lonely hahaha. I'm 20 years old and of course, I had that feeling to have a boyfriend. It's normal isn't?

I thought this gonna be a long entry but it is not. I'm going to end it here. How was your 2018? Share with me in the comment section!

Have a nice day ahead <3

Another Sad Story

Assalamualikum and hi, before i start my entry, please pray for my late grandma, she just passed away on last monday (12 Nov 2018).

So, after midsem break i went back to my univ. If you guys don't know my univ and my home quite far it takes almost 12 hours to reach home. On my way back to university my mum send me a whatsapp she told me that my grandma was sick but she still fine. So i did not think of anything bad. I keep in faith that my grandma will be okay because i haven't see her during my midsem break. Then at 11 p.m my dad call me, he told me my grandma faint and her heartbeat stop for awhile. I'm nervous and sad and i don't know a lot of thing was on my mind. I was thinking to go home but it's too far and there is no bus at midnight.

I slept earlier that night because i was afraid, i was scared, i was anxious and i was nervous. I hope when i wake up everything will be fine and it just gonna be another day. On 1.51 a.m i suddenly woke up like in a shock. I look on my phone somehow i read my clock as 5.11 a.m. I was so grateful because nothing had happen but then when i look again.. it still 1.51 a.m i close my eyes for 10 minutes and i got a call from my mum. I was so scared to answer that phone call. It was truly terrifying to hear what my mum gonna say.

My mum try not to freak me out, she ask me if i was asleep with a calm voice. Until she can't hold it anymore. She cried and told me, my grandma has gone. I asked her how can i go home? is there any relatives near me to take me home? My mum told me not to come home.. Because i just arrived and it will take too long. Then she hung up.

I cried all night.. i can't sleep. I keep thinking how to go home at that moment i want to see my grandma for last time. But my mum didn't allow to go home. I remembered my grandma once told me If she passed away, don't come home because it is too far. I cried my lungs out. I was never a good grand daughter to her. I am her first grand daughter and yet i never did something good to her.I desperately wanna go home. 

One my biggest fear is losing someone when i'm not around. It happens once when my granddad passed away but i still can see him for the last time but not this time. I can't say goodbye for my grandma for one last time. It is so heartbreaking. Until today i kept thinking of her. I wish i could be lil nicer to her when she was alive. But it's too late now.

I skip the morning class because i was too exhausted from crying. My brother manage to go home because some of my relatives happen to be in KL. I blame myself for not seeing her during my break. She ask my mum when will i come back and so on. The last time i talk to her was on phone and it is only for 5 second because i was "too busy" with programs that i share with you guys in past entries.

I have no grandparent now. Both my dad and mum side. I wish i could be a nicer grand daughter but it was too late. Al-Fatihah

Photoshoot Experiences

Assalamualaikum and hi people, last entry has been so emotional and i can't even move on. So, i decided to make another entry to move on.

cr. unsplash

If you people follow my instagram or my youtube channel you guys must be aware that i went to a photoshoot session with Zalora. If you don't make your time to watch my vlog okay?

If you guys don't know yet, I'm a contributor on Zalora Thread Magazine. Basically it is an online magazine with a lot of information. On my blog i post so much random and kind of useless thing to share with but on that page i share more information and knowledgeable articles. So make a way to my articles there or any other articles cause you can get a lot from there.

So, i went to the photo shoot not as a model. There is no way i can be a model, not even for plus size hahaha. I went there as one of the contributor, basically that photo shoot is for my profile. Being in a photo shoot session is one of my childhood dream and it became true. I once dream to be a model okayyy haha.

I went there all the way from muadzam shah so it's kinda far tho. I was suppose to be there at 2.30 p.m but i arrived at 3.00 p.m luckily i'm not the last person to arrive. If you guys don't know me in real, i'm that kind of person that can't be late. I will always be few minutes early or on time. So, i feel like uh i feel so annoyed when i'm late haha. So when i arrived, they put on simple and express makeup. I never let someone else put on makeup on me. It freak me out hahaha when the makeup artist did touch my face haha.

They gave me 2 outfit one black and one white. The black outfit is not really my usual style but the white outfit is not much different with my style. My outfit given is rather casual than the other contributor. I kinda love my black outfit cause i never try that kind of style and white outfit actually annoyed me a little because i'm fatttt and white didn't go well with fat person. But i think i did a pretty good job. I get a lot of nice word from the photographer so i think it is a good sign.

From the session i did learn something that i can use in my daily life.

1. Be bold. You need to be bold for yourself look great on photo, same goes with my life i need to be bold to do what i love to do and never be scared of my passion 
2.  Try something new. You got to try lot of pose for your photo and so your life trying something new will not be bad and you will find your best pose if you try. 
3. I also learn how to work with people and polish my communication skills cause i meet new different people there.
4. Lastly, fight for your dream. I'm not sure why but it gave me that feel. I always wanted to be on photo shoot and i got a chance because my blog. because my writing passion. It feels great. It feel like i reach another achievement in my life.

So, i think that is all i want to share for this entry. The photo is not out yet so i cannot share with you guys yet. See you soon in next entry, have a great day ahead :)))

I'm feeling better

cr. weheartit

Hi, I'm back again with another entry. Well i know that i don't have any readers anymore because of my irregular schedule of updating. Anyways hi everyone, hi to whoever read this. If you read this leave your message to me la haha.

If you already keep up with my story in this blog. you probably notice that i'm going through some stuff. I've been so negative. I'm tired. I'm stressed out. To be honest.. till today i'm still going through the same thing but i feel a lot better.

I want to share with you guys how i feel last time and how i can feel better maybe this might help some of you out there especially my friends. I'm here to help you a little.

I was down and feeling depress and stress i cried every night because something did happen to me. i won't tell why but i literally feel like i was such a failure and my life is dark. Nothing seems bright to me. So when i started a new semester it get worse. I start to cry every time i need to go to class or if i don't cry i will start sweating, my heart beat fast. I'm nervous and i was scared. I was scared of everything that might happen in  the class. I can't focus in class.  Every night before i sleep i'll just shed my tears hoping tomorrow will be better but it doesn't get any better.

Until.. i was called to go to a program. At first, i tried to find thousands of reason to not going there. I thought that i need to go there because i'm a failure, i'm a problematic student. That is how i truly feel. But i can't find any valid reasons and i just take a deep breath and go with so much negative perception about that program.

I was wrong that program is not for problematic person not for a failure person but in fact, that program wakes me up. It open my eyes. They help me to find back reasons why i need to stay strong why i need to struggles why and how i can do better. They never blame me for making a mistake. But they convince me that amazing humans made mistakes. Amazing people come through failure.

Friends, i have lost my dream. I have no will to go through my life. I almost gave up. Life seems so hard to me. If you ever feel what i have feel.. I just want to tell you that, it's okay to make mistakes. Yes people will blame you, people will say bad thing about you. But remember, it's your life. You are the one who need to shape your life. It's your airplane! You are the pilot! Find your own happiness, forget all those people. Real friends, will fly besides you together. When you fall, they help you to get up. If there is nobody around you to do that. Nobody deserve you because you are amazing, you are great person. You have yourself! you are not a failure you just make a mistakes and we learnt from mistakes.

Problems will always find their way to see you but you need to be strong for each problem you are facing. You are not alone.. Believe me you are not alone.. There will always be someone to be by your side. You know i cried making this post.. I remember those pains i felt. It hurts.. so bad. I was all alone at that time. I didn't reach my friends or anyone for help because i was embarrassed of my self. You should reach out to someone. Everyone has their struggles don't be embarrassed of yourself.. If you need some help, i will be there to listen just find me. I will try to help you.

That's all for today's post. I hope you guys have an amazing day. Stay happy and be positive for a better days. bye

Thought that i want to share

Hi guys, It seems like i cannot find and good topic to share with you. I'm thinking to do songs, drama review again but i don't feel like doing it again soon i don't know why.. But for now i would like to share my random thought about life.

I have been in bad days i have been a good days.. i wonder what really make my good day good and what make my bad day bad. i just don't understand but i can feel it. Does this make sense? okay whatever.. i feel like life is going too fast, it's already October. what have i done past 10 month? i don't know either. When life going to fast i just feel like i wanna pause for awhile and take a breath a deep breath. life is so harsh. But it is reality you need to face it despite how much you actually hate it.

When life isn't going my way i feel my life has ruin.. it makes me sad and depress. But i realize how there will always someone to be by your side and listen to you, support you. it just myself.. it's me who don't want to speak up, it's me who don't want to accept the reality. it's me who wish everything is a fantasy. It is so hard to be someone who is outside of the box, someone who is unique, someone who has great achievement. I always want to be normal but nowadays.. everyone is racing to be number one.. too many smart people in the world. what special about being smart anymore?

I'm just someone who have a lot of love to give but why do i receive too little? i feel like no one is actually appreciating me. I try my best to do everything but none has worked. i'm tired.

I think this is it that i want to share.. you guys probably won't even bother to read this but i don't care haha. i'm sorry guys i feel like my life principle can't be use anymore so sorry there's lots of negativity on this blog at the moment. i will comeback as happy-go-lucky sarah again maybe.. maybe one day.. i don't know.. so see ya around.

Seventeen Ideal Cut in Kuala Lumpur experience

Hey guyss~ i would like to share my experience going to my first ever kpop concert.. it has been few weeks already.. i make a vlog on my yt channel.. if you haven't watch it yet.. go watch NOW!!

In my video i can't really talk a lot.. so here i will rant and share everything that i went through on that day.. I'm having Post Concert Depression (PCD) real bad.

The concert was held at MIECC hall beside The Mines mall. We arrived there probably at 1 p.m. I was mind blown when some of carats were there since 9 a.m like.. i'm amazed bruh. After arrived i went for freebies hunting.. i don't get a lots of freebies because i was kinda "late". There is so few of Lee Chan's freebies i'm upsettt. i got one Lee Chan's photocard... i'm sed.

So, after freebies hunting at The Mines mall me and my friend went back to the hall area and just walking through the stall that sold lots of seventeen merchandise. I didn't buy any because i was hella broke... i have another story of being broke af.. so not gonna tell you guys here.. so i just cried in my heart bcs i want carat bong and other merch.. my broke purse can't relate with other carat.

After i died a lil after can't bring those merch i just sat on the stairs waiting to be called in. They said at 4 p.m CAT3 zone (which is my zone and it's freaking far from stage) but the organizer failed us.. carat is mad and sad.. even CAT2 hasn't entered yet.. until.. idk 5.30 p.m or something than only they allowed us to enter. While waiting to enter the hall, i was interviewed by hurr.tv hehe you guys can check it out.. wait let me put the video here

I did well right? haha i was the girl in blue shirt, pink shawl and a cap on stairs..

Now, the most amazing part. When they come out on the stage with intro and they sing Highlight, i cried.. everyone was screaming their lungs out, i was just froze there and cried.. it was so unreal even my seat is freakin far from stage i still can see them! Lee chan a.k.a Dino is sooo cute his voice is cute like it was so unreal hahaha everything about him is cute.. On their first ment, Hoshi called himself a princess.. i can't he is just too silly.. he was so hyper an he is so caring. Hoshi kept on mentioning carats on the back seats (which is my zone) until their last ment. 

Dino talked a lot. In most of their variety show Lee Chan didn't really have lots of screen time and he seem kinda quiet type of guy but it was total opposite on the day. He just talk non stop, he talk after each members talk. I JUST FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM MORE! Dino and seungkwan having rap battle, dance battle and dino did win i mean well my boii you did well hahaha. it was so fun, they are so funny and playful. I fall in love with each of them more and more! 

They have units performance. I was speechless on hiphop unit's performances.. it was amazing i have no words to describe! Next, vocal unit.. i kinda save my energy while they are performing because their voice was real and amazing and and wonderful, it's ballad anyways so i really save my energy for performance unit. Performance unit has been my fav all of the time, when they come out on stage they act cute and i died again! LEE CHAN JUST STAB MY HEART! I really wish i have that video. I am a huuugggeee fan of performance team so i scream my lungs out since the songs they perform are  my top fav song from performance team.

Other performance are fun and exciting as well.. until their encore stage. Before their encore stage we are suppose to sing "campfire" song since it is our fan project but it was a failed bcs lots of carats were not informed.. but on their last ment each of carat rise up our banner/slogan and their reaction on the slogan were so warm and touching. They said they will comeback and the slogan make them want to comeback more! It was wonderful i can't describe the feeling

The slogan that i said before.

Fast Track Event is the organizer of Ideal Cut in KL and Singapore, Their security is strict as hweeellll. They are on each angle of the hall haha.. Some of us manage to record.. i don't know how they did. 

I have this thought before.. "Why waste money go to concert and sit at the back when you can watch on youtube and see them up close" i got the answer now.. Not everything about svt is showed on youtube hiphop unit even perform an unreleased song. you cannot hear it anywhere else.. Overall, the concert is amazing i cried, i laugh, i smile, i scream haha.. so yea guys that is all for this long entry.. been awhile since i post a longggg entry.. so bye bye see ya in next post