Castaways

Assalamualaikum and hi,  how are you guys doing? I hope everyone is being fine. I'm back with another entry.  I really don't know what topics to write and discuss with my readers but I just want to write. If you were here on my last entry, you probably know what I've been going through. It is not pretty at all. I am still not able to be myself.

 Do you guys know the TikTok viral sound castaways? It goes something like "Castaways, we are castaways, ahoy there, ahoy. We are castaways". Well, I don't know why but why do I feel sad listening to this song? Maybe because of the meaning of "Castaways". Castaways means a person who has been shipwrecked and stranded in an isolated place. If I would describe my life right now it is castaways.

My life is the ship and I am stranded in an isolated place. I feel like I am alone fighting against myself. Few of my friends reach out to me, asking me if I am okay and they let me know that they are available if I need someone to talk to. I appreciate their thoughts but I just don't want to burden them with my problems and sometimes I feel like, they will not understand me if I told them. I feel like they are going to judge me for being this way. I truly believe they will not understand me and one day they'll get annoyed because I'm behaving like this. I know they'll get sad if they know this is exactly how I feel but I am sorry. I can't help but think this way every time. 

The next lyrics go like "We're stuck where we are with no houses, no car, castaways, ahoy, we are castaways". I'm stuck here, no place I can feel like being at home, no cars to get me out of here. I am stranded. I understand that this is just a child song but I don't know I feel like it's a metaphor for my life. Well, who knows child song can be so depressive.  

I get really sensitive nowadays, I can't handle small talks without getting annoyed. I get annoyed at everything, and I'm scared people will push me away because I just can't... Sometimes, I got excited over something and in the mid of it, my feeling just dies. It's sad, very sad.

I am sorry for posting another depressive entry. I really wish to share more fun stories with you guys, but apparently, nothing is exciting going on. However, I would like to thanks anyone who read my entry and supporting me, leaving a very nice message. I am working on improving myself. I've reached out using a proper platform. I'll be going to have my first mental health screening this Friday. Please pray for the best and InsyaAllah everything will be alright. 

Since I'll be going to therapy sessions soon, it will cost me some money, if you want to support me please support my small business at Shopee.  Thank you for reading,  see you guys on the next entry.

The life changing phase

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you doing? Salam Ramadhan and Salam Syawal. It's literally a few days left until 1st Syawal. I hope everyone has a fulfilling Ramadhan and makes the best out of it. I honestly don't know if any of my readers are still here or new people stumble upon my blog. I'm not really sure. 

It's been a while since my last regular update on this blog. Well, I've been busy. If you keep up with my blog you must already know what has been happening around me. But If you don't, that's totally cool and fine. I'm SarahIsyah nice to meet you!

In my previous entry, I talked about how I feel like times go so fast and yes, it is still going fast. I have no space to breathe. Honestly. I'm just too tired. But I don't know what exactly I'm tired of. Maybe just everything. This entry will probably be the same rant entry about me being somewhat ungrateful or emotionally unstable. 

From the earlier stage of this blog, I've been promoted self-love or about my own journey in discovering self-love. To be frank, I thought I was there. I thought I reached it. But I was wrong. If I already love myself, why do I have to discover them? I was totally wrong. I keep posting those stuff to convince myself that I am fine! I am loved! I'm accepting who I am. But at this moment, I'm just confused and really tired of myself. I don't know if this is just a phase or I am emotionally unstable. 

A lot of things are happening, I am 23 years old facing major life-changing experiences from young adult/ student to full flash adult with responsibilities toward a lot of parties including myself. I feel so hopeless. I try my best to keep it positive, I try my best to be a better person but everything seems wrong. I feel like I am stuck in the past and I feel like I left something really important in my past and now I just can't move forward. I don't know what it is, it may be my dream, my purpose, my will, or just the fear of growing up. It's just too much for me. 

When I look back in my life, why do dark memories keep appearing? Even when I read back my past entries, those feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger were inside me. Lately, these feelings just get overwhelmed. I have really bad mood swings, I'm just confused about everything and I feel so tired. 

I realize maybe this is the time to get some help. But, I keep procrastinating. I feel like it is so hard for me to reach out for help from professionals. I was so lost on how I should seek proper help. When I finally got a clue, it feels impossible. Going to a government hospital going to take time and I am working, with this peak period I don't think I can find an excuse to be on leave. If I am going to a private institution, it's just hopeless, I didn't have enough money to spend on it. It's going to take time for me to save up. Maybe this was just another excuse for me not getting any help.  I am not diagnosing myself with any mental illness but I feel it.  Something is wrong with me. 

You know, it is sad when you try to reach out to the closest person you have and they just don't give a damn. For them, it was just me seeking attention. "Stop being sad" "smile more""do you have to act up this way" I wish I can smile, I wish I am happy, I wish I am acting like a proper human.  Maybe it was all for attention. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful person. I can't help but burst into tears most of the days. I can't help but think I am a failure. I just can't be enough to my family and friends. 

Dear reader, I am so sorry for posting this negative energy. But I just don't know where should I tell this feeling. I just want to let it out a little bit. I am so sorry. I hope to see you guys on next entry with better update. Have a good day ahead.