The 2023 Life Update

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. This is the most extended break I took from blogging or writing. There is a lot of unfinished draft and it's probably just gonna stay as drafts. So, this entry going to be my first 2023 update and let's catch up.

I kind of scroll back my blog and I realized I was in so much pain last year. I would like to thank everyone who has been here throughout my journey. Uh, writing kind of feels awkward now haha. Anyway, I'm doing a lot better than last year. I feel like I'm more mature and really in the acceptance stage.

Early this year, I received a job offer and since then I've been working in the new place. Honestly, I was struggling a lot. My anxiety was high, I keep overthinking, and impostor syndrome really hits me. Although I feel like I'm doing better mentally, I am still struggling to just be at my best. Every day does feel like I'm going into a new battle. But again, my mental state was in a better place so I try to embrace every single day with positivity. Sometimes it does feel like I'm just distracting myself but it does feel better.

I have stopped going to therapy and honestly every month I wish I go to therapy but when I'm at the scheduling part I just left it there until next month and repeat the same thing. It stuck on scheduling and payment. I don't know, since I change therapists, therapy just doesn't feel the same. I miss my therapist hahaha. Anyway, I'm proud of myself for not depending on a therapist anymore. I am able to navigate my emotions and cope well. Also, I might find something to be addicted to so I just feel better :) (don't worry the addiction is not drugs hahaha)

A lot of things have happened since the last update. I know finding a boyfriend or a future husband has been my goal for idk how long, I kept mentioning it in past blog posts as well. Guess what, it's now 2023 and I am still single *smiles with a peace sign. I'm not complaining but I am, why is it so hard to find someone? I gave up on all the dating apps cause it's not getting anywhere. Sis is tired, like at this point I don't care anymore but actually I still care but don't.... do you understand me??

Anyway, I kind of noticed a few of my friends are going through hard times and some of them do be reminding me of my past self. I feel a bit disappointed because I know the pain and I feel like I can help them but they are not fond of the help. I got sad every time it happened but I have to remind myself that my friend's mental health is not my responsibility. I can offer everything but if the person doesn't want to take the first steps, there is no point in helping. I have this entire blog writing and opening up in hopes people who read this will at least relate and start seeking help and it does, I used to receive dms people thanking me for opening up and making them feel less lonely. But if none of my friends are willing to take my stories, it's okay. There is more to life.

I guess this is all I want to update you guys. I really hope I start writing and sharing again even though I feel like the blog is becoming less relevant. It's just a safe space you know. So, share with me your life update, how are you guys doing? Do you guys get partners now? hahaha. See ya in the next post!

The life update: Heartbroken journey

Assalamualaikum and Hi everyone. How are you guys been doing? I hope everyone is well and healthy. I'm just going to update you about my life and "self-love" journey. I have a lot of draft poems but I don't feel like publishing them yet.

So, if you are my Instagram follower, you must have known I am going through heartbreaking stuff and have been sad about it. It's true. I have my first heartbreak from someone I don't even date. I wrote an entire paragraph to that person and publish it here last time but I decided to just remove it. 

This guy is probably my first love after my teenage years. The one that I dream of a future together. But I was just delusional. I admit that I am a hopeless romantic person, I did make an entire post about it last time. Still in this blog. 

I honestly fell for this person because he seems to be understanding about my mental health. He has been really supportive and sweet the entire time. He makes me feel like I want to put on makeup, wear cute clothes, be pretty and just slay. I never experience it in my entire life, so of course, I fell for him. I love him dearly. But again, I was a fool. I knew with my entire existence that we will never be something but I was desperate for his attention. I got really low and anxious all the time. I cried at every opportunity I had because I want him desperately. Then, things happened we slipped away and it just got really messy. Especially in my head. I was delusional, I was in denial. 

I really start to blame every single thing. I hate myself a lot because we didn't happen. I try to hate him. I self-sabotage. I start doing stupid things to cope. I didn't know it will mess me up real bad. I have been suicidal since I can remember but I never knew this one hurt more than my traumas. We used to text a lot, but when we stop out of the blue it is really a hell of a ride. It just did something to my self-esteem. It hurts more than my existing traumas. 

I try to text him on multiple occasions. I just feel like I need to talk to him, I feel the urge to just find an excuse and start texting him. But I'm glad I did not. He seems happy with his love life and I couldn't do anything about it. There is no way in this world that he could ever choose me. I try to accept this but my whole body rejected it. I went crazy for a few weeks. It is so funny how heartbreaks really mess up your head. I am about to go single for eternity. I reject every single man that came after him. 

Now, I am sane. I have moved on. I honestly just realise my self-worth. Begging for someone's attention is not okay. Nobody deserves to feel like an option or a doubt. It was never okay to lower your values just to be with someone. I feel like I will rather be alone than begging to be loved. Even if there is the slightest chance that he will love me back, I wouldn't want it again because I feel like I let him disrespect me once. 

This story is worth mentioning and looking upon because this is the starting point of something that is much more beautiful. A journey that makes me learn about my worth and learn how to detach from my attachment issues. I am now onto the next chapter. I am learning how to love properly and let someone into my life again. 

He was once the standards but now someone else came crashing those standards. I am doing well, I learn to accept myself and someone else is taking care of me well. I still do hope that we are still friends but I feel like it's impossible. I am truly happy that he is doing well and just enjoying his life. I wish nothing but the best for him but I would still punch him if we ever cross paths in future. 

Yeah, who knows a stranger could actually gave a huge impact on my life. It's okay, the new chapter has begun. Look forward to my updates and see you soon on the next entry. Byeee <3