It's dark- my thoughts

Assalamualaikum and hi, how are you guys doing? I hope everyone is well and stay safe. I have a lot of ideas on what to update on my blog but I never did, and I end up posting about my "well-being" which isn't that fun to read. I'm so sorry but I'll come back with a more exciting and maybe knowledgeable entry.

Lately, I wasn't feeling well. Too much thought, too little energy. I broke down multiple times in a week. I feel a little lonely and to be honest, it's getting dark. Since I started my internship it hits me that I'm going to be an adult, I am an adult. But I wasn't ready to be out there be part of society to be a person. I really cannot organize my thoughts and I lost.

When I was younger, my dream is to inspire people. I don't know how, but I want to look up at me and be like "damn she's such an inspiration", it's just my biggest dream. But without realizing it, the dream faded away into thin air as if it wasn't in me. A few years later, some people remind me back to those dreams, and now at 22 years old, I try to make a path for it. Apparently, I'm such a clown. How can someone who can't even manage herself try to inspire other people? Impossible. 

Recently, a lot of things have triggered my trauma. I'm not saying I have the worst childhood. I got this uneasy feeling and kept remembering things that happened past 12-6 years. I hate this feeling and I feel a lot of resentment towards the people that affected my life. I feel like if they could treat me better, I won't be such a mess now. I tried, I try to forget it but it won't go away. 

I got tired of everything that has been in my mind. When I try to open up, seeking some affection and attention, I got pushed away. "You are old enough", "You are being dramatic", "You are overreacting"  is all I got when I reach for some comfort. At this point, what should I feel? It's just like an empty room with no lights. Nothing there to help lighten up the room. Nothing. 

I am in the scariest fight. Fight between me and myself. I don't know if this is just a phase in my life or it's going to be in me forever. I know I should love myself, accept myself but it just too overwhelming. I really hope that this going to be gone soon. Thank you for spending your time reading this, I'm so sorry for such negativity. Take care everyone. 

What keeps you going?

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. I've been wanted to write something a few times and every time it just failed. If you saw this entry please, say congratulations to me hahaha.

"What keeps you going?' I received this question on my Instagram's story from one of my best friends. It takes me a while to answer this and to put my words together. I did answer her on my stories but I think I have a lot more to say on this topic. If you are new to my blog or just didn't keep up with my life journey, I just want to let you guys know that I'm struggling with my life and I'm on a journey in discovering  "self-love". Being sentimental, emotional, and a weird type of person. I just can't stop but thinking about this question so hard!

I am nobody, I have no great achievement, I don't know why my friend ask me that because honestly, she has more great achievement than me. But I know that she always respects me for able to keep doing what I like. This is my answer for anyone out there who may need this. 

The biggest reason for what keeps me going in whatever I did until now is that I believe wholeheartedly that every single human being in this world has their own pace, own destiny, and their own journey. Some of us may have the same destination but we may have detoured from the normal route. A lot of times, I feel very insecure when someone of my age or younger is very successful and I almost give up frequently. But, if I give up, will anything change? Will the person who I feel insecure about suddenly became unsuccessful?  We are all labeled as "humans" but little did we know, each of us is unique and capable of amazing things in our own way. Keep moving, if you are tired, take a break. 

I don't know how I'd look like at the finish line, I want to know
But for now I run on the road ahead of me, I'll decide later
Until then, I'm not looking at others
Don't forget my speed, my lane, my pace - Stray Kids, My Pace

Next, positivity. Lame. I know. It is so hard for us to look on the positive side when things didn't go our way or we are just tired of our own life. I agree. But somehow, I always force myself to believe that everything happened for reasons and I should be grateful that the problem that I have could be worst. This cannot be applied to everyone out there because our capabilities to cope with problems are different. However, I'm just going to put it out there that positivity does help us in a hard time. It will in the slightest way possible, it will help. I always think that people who are successful in their life have the light of positivity in their life. No reasons for us to stop searching for positivity.

This is another crucial point for me. Be happy with every little thing. I realize that I should be happy with every little thing when I always found myself being sad for not able to find a boyfriend. I'm 22 years old, being single my whole life and my friends are having a boyfriend, getting engaged, and getting married. It might sound funny but that's the reality, the pressure to keep up with society. When I was able to find happiness in the smallest thing, it felt good and make me want to keep living. I am doing business, but till now I did not have a lot of customers but when I promote the products and people reply to it without even buying them. I feel happy and grateful. I feel like I can keep doing this! (If you want to buy Korean skincare hit me up @thesthatix_ on IG) Shameless plug.

This is kind of personal but another reason for me to keep going is that I try to stop putting hopes in other people. I feel like, in the end, it's only me in my journey. Asking for help and having someone else alongside is better than being alone. But sometimes, the scariest and the biggest fight that needs to be done is with your own self. I don't know if this makes sense to any of you but I hope you got what I mean. For example, I wanted to get out of my comfort zone but at the same time, I was hoping that someone will guide me. If those people who are meant to help you failed to meet your expectation, you'll feel sad, clueless, and pretty much feels like everything isn't going on your way. In simpler words, expect less. 

Lastly, don't be too hard on yourself. You had already go through so much in your life. Hug yourself and pat your own shoulder and tell yourself "You have done a good job, let's keep going". 

That's all for this entry, share with me what are the reasons for you to keep going in whatever you do! See you in the next entry.