The journey in 2024

Hi Assalamualaikum, it's been forever since the last update. Life is getting to me and I am super busy with lots of new hobbies.

If you are new to my entries, you can read my previous post to understand what I've been through. I've met a lot of people throughout these years and it's kind of natural to have new people here. I've been pretty open about my mental health and I have been on a journey of finding myself and self-love for quite some time now. You can literally backtrack through this blog. I have been on the journey by myself but I decided to seek professional help back in 2021. I went to multiple sessions of therapy and different therapists. Since then life has been a roller coaster. There are a lot of ups and downs throughout the entire journey. In mid-2022 and the entire 2023, I took a break from therapy because of time and financial reasons. To be honest I was feeling a lot better than I was in 2021, that's why I stopped the therapy.

I don't really want to elaborate on things that happened during those times. Fast forward to 2024, and I am back to therapy sessions. I am not in a bad position as I was in 2021, I wasn't really in the darkest time of my life but I feel so broken. I feel like I am unable to function as a normal human being. I have a lot of issues I need to work on to be able to actually feel "normal". But honestly, what is a normal human being? I don't know. 

Just a recap, in 2021, I was at the lowest point of my life. I have no will to stay alive. After I found my will to live I faced another issue for my existential crisis. I feel like I am unable to do normal stuff, do daily life tasks, regulate my emotions, and in general, I feel bad about myself. A big part of me also is just not comfortable being myself. These are the reasons I went back to therapy. 

Surprisingly, I like this therapist. She has been very helpful just to match up with my pace and just a good therapist. When I do the talking, she honestly feels like I'm talking to my best friend haha. But when it comes to giving advice she is obviously better than just friends because she's professional. I also feel like I'm being super honest and open up more to this therapist compared to the previous therapist I worked with.

You know it's pretty sad given the fact that you were once struggling to stay alive. Once you are over it, you are now struggling with the bare minimum stuff. Sometimes, I wonder why I make such an effort to be better when I can just let myself be in denial and just float like I've always been. Floating around with no dreams and hope is much easier. I wonder why?

One thing is for sure if you are starting this journey, it will never get easier and it will take forever to be better. You will always be a work in progress. So, please never give up and keep spreading positivity. You never know what life will bring you to.

Other than my mental health journey, my looking for "jodoh" part is stagnant. I can't see the future and there is no hope haha. I'm joking. I am learning to be comfortable with myself if the person suddenly appears then they appear. I trust my faith and he knows the best for me.

To anyone who read this, I might not know your struggles and the battles you are in. But I believe you can do it. I know life is unfair, but you can change your life. Live in the moment and take it slow. Small baby steps. It's the effort that matters. I really want to keep blogging, posting, and checking up on my blog friends. But I'm afraid I have no time to do so. I always want to create a safe space for you guys, please feel free to reach out and just talk if you want to. 

Oh before I end my post, I want to wish you well on this Ramadhan and Selamat Hari Raya in advance. Because I don't know when my next post. Take care <3

Safe space 04: Feeling stuck

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How are you guys doing? I hope everything went well. If it's not, it will get better. Today I will share a lesson I learn in my self-discovery, self-love journey. Feel free to read and add your thoughts in the comment section.

Disclaimer!

I am not a professional, therapist, counsellor, or psychiatrist. I have no qualification in advising people on mental health matters. This entry is made from my point of view and is a discussion topic. 

I noticed that when we were hurt, traumatized or in a depressed state, we usually have these thoughts of I could have done better before. For example, "What if I was stronger?" "what if they didn't treat me badly" "What if I did this and not that". I think it is very normal for a lot of people who are struggling. Sometimes, it gets so bad that we will have all sorts of negative emotions like hatred, hopelessness and etc. 

We feel like we are stuck at that point in our life where we think we could have done it better. I was like that, I wish 15 years old me is strong enough, I hope she knows better and fights for herself. I was 22 and was stuck at 15 years old memory. I cannot see the future and I am hurting at the present. What makes it worst, things that happened in past are also happening in present. It felt like you are stuck in a dark room and you cannot move. Honestly, I keep blaming my younger self because I feel like if she do it differently I will not be suffering in my 20s. But never once I thought, my current self are the one who need to save my past, present and future self. Never, because I was so scared of taking the first step. 

I was scared, if I take the first step will it get better? what if it gets worse? and sometimes it felt like it is better to just stay in that state of hopelessness. I am scared if I get better will I forget all the pain my younger self go through? Do I deserve to get better? Do I deserve happiness? Is freedom really for me? Lots of questions and it sounds like it doesn't make any sense but it is how I felt. It is a very big emotion, unexplainable. The things I experienced are very normal. I was hurting, it is a natural reaction. You won't have all of these thoughts if you are fine and healthy. 

My therapist told me, it was in the past, we can't undo things. I need to start thinking about how I want things to be different. Start with small changes. I was hurting because of some people and to change them is impossible. But I can put on boundaries, my therapist keeps reminding me even if the boundaries are very thin, put them on. I just need to focus on small little stuff at the moment and be present. You can't change your past but you can change your present and future. Whatever happened last time is not entirely bad, there are some good things that make us who we are. 

That was my story, it may not entirely fit you but the key takeaways are you can't change your past and stay in present. Honestly, it was not easy, it is a hard process to know what differences I want and consciously remind myself to stay in present. You need to spend some time alone and start putting in your book and working on it. When it gets really hard it's okay to take it slow but never give up. Trust me, every effort counts. 

I think it is okay and normal to feel stuck, but it is not okay when you know and aware that you are stuck and you choose to ignore it. Don't you want your inner child to feel safe? it is really okay to take the first step. It is okay to take it veeerryy slow, progress is still a progress. It's better than nothing. There are hopes and light awaiting you. You just need to take the first step.

I guess that is all for this entry, please share your thoughts on how to manage yourself when you are stuck or just anything you feel is important for people to know. Thank you for reading, see you in the next entry!!!