Hopeless Romantic

Assalamualaikum and hi, everyone. It's been a while since I wrote something other than 'poems'. It is less than 5 days left for 2021 to end. I feel like I wanted to do 2021 Wrapped up, but I feel like sharing other topics. Save it for later I guess.

This year I learn so many things, but I'm keeping that information for my next entry. This entry going to focus on one of the biggest themes in my life which are My romantic life. Be prepared to get cringe. I've warned you. 

I'm 23 this year and I feel like it is an ideal age to get to know and meet someone. I think it is normal considering a lot of my friends are moving into the next stage. I just want to pass the talking stage I didn't ask for much hahaha. Look, I know more people are older than me and still single. Nothing is wrong with being single. Being single is amazing but sometimes I just can't help.

When I'm struggling with my mental health, I was hoping that I won't get married. I am scared and terrified of the idea of spending time with someone for my whole life. Not just marriage, I am genuinely scared of having a relationship with someone. I talked to my therapist about the relationship for two whole sessions because of how terrifying it is to me. 

Putting my mental health aside, I think another reason why it is so hard for me to be in a relationship is that I am a hopeless romantic. I have this fairy-tale imagination of what love is and I have a pretty high standard on how relationships should be working. My biggest belief is to be in relationship men should be making first steps. So, I've been waiting this whole time and yea still waiting. Until recently, I gather my courage and start talking to people and nothing working out yet.  

Considering, I am still scared of meeting new people I think I did a pretty good job. But sometimes, meeting new people is tiring and it can be so triggering. I feel like I just want to stop looking. But in the mid of 'searching', I met someone who change my perspective on having a 'partner'. We might not be together but he teaches me something valuable. There is going to be someone out there who can understand and can tolerate you if they want to. He might not know this but he helps me a lot on my healing journey. Now, again, I'm setting myself up for hopeless romantic. 

In all the jokes and seriousness for looking partner, the biggest hurdle is myself. I am struggling with my mental health. Most of the time I feel like I'm unlovable, I'm a boring person, I'm going to burden people and most importantly I feel like I'm going to hurt someone I love and care about. Also, since I'm a hopeless romantic, it is easy for me to get carried away with romantic feelings, which could be bad. 

I know I should not rush things up. I am still young. There is a lot more I can achieve other than being in a relationship. I've spent a lot of time being single, nothing is wrong to keep being single. One day, I'll read this entry and laugh over it. 

To other single people out there, it's okay to be sad for not having a partner but it is also okay to be single. Keep your standard high so you don't settle down for less. 

I think that's all for this entry. I hope you got something through my story and share with me your thought on having a partner (if you are single). See you in the next entry. Bye <3