I feel valid for the first time

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone, it seems like I have somewhat more positive entry today. I am very. happy to share with you guys my first-ever mental health screening session. If you are regular on my blog, you know how my past 2-3 posts are generating negative vibes. But for once, let's just be more positive.

I was having a really rough time, it is rough but the most painful thing is when I keep reminding myself that I should not be acting a certain way, people telling me that I'm just being ungrateful, and so on. Simpler words, invalidating my feelings. After hesitating for so long, I finally reach out to the professionals. My actual plan was to go to the hospital and get a diagnosis or maybe some anti-depressant. But it was so hard for me to go, with all this lockdown and my work schedule it just feels impossible at the moment. However, my other plan is to go to therapy. 

I decided to go to therapy since the time is more flexible. But, before I  went through a  lengthy therapy session I  decided to go for mental health screening first to actually understand myself a  little more. Bear in mind, mental health screening is not a diagnosing tool. I don't know why I feel like getting the diagnosis is more important than finding solutions to my problem. I feel like having the title is more important and rightfully to received therapy. But, no, it is not. Everyone can go to therapy.

So, what happened during mental health screening? Basically, it is a short session where they review your test result. Before you go through your screening you need to take the online test. It is a simple depression, anxiety, and stress test. Throughout this session, the therapist will ask questions on why you are seeking therapy and this session helps me to understand more about myself.

To be honest, before I started the session I am very scared because I don't know what I will go through. But throughout the session, it makes me a little comfortable talking about myself. I try hard not to cry and compose myself to talk more rather than be emotional because it is a really short session. The most eye-opening things the therapist said to me goes something like this: 

"It is normal for you to feel this way, It is a reaction of what you have been going through for all these years" 

It is not an exact word but, you get me right? It is totally okay to feel that way. It is your body responding to all things that I have been going through. To put on some context, I am really vocal about mental health and I love to read about mental health. I believe by understanding mental health I can be better and just not fall into depression and so on. I told myself before I am not "sick" I am not "depressed" because I see them as a negative thing. I am wrong. It is okay, it is the response of all traumatic thing happened to me. I am not overreacting, I am not faking it. I am truly struggling to put my life together. 

I know there is something wrong with me but I always convince myself it's just a phase and I am just stressed out. But, it is not just a phase. I've been going through those for almost my entire life. But it felt havier when I found my short freedom and then now I'm back trapping. All this realization is help from the therapist. 

My therapist also said to me that I have been suffering, conflicting for so long, it took so much strength for someone to seek help. I'm being able to take the first step to improve my life is making me strong. I'd never thought I am strong because all this time I feel so helpless and weakness is the reason why I'm being this way. It feels amazing when she was able to put everything I felt into words conflict, regrets, and anger. It perfectly describe how I felt about myself. 

Although I was able to get input about myself, more issues are hanging inside me, the session is very short and it is not a therapy session. I have booked for my first session in July. I hope everything will get better from now on. 

I also have been making a lot of content on my Instagram feel free to visit it @SarahIsyah_

Thank you for reading and we shall meet again on the next entry!